Speaking with friends and family, it feels like everyone I speak to is either juggling remote learning, feeling isolated from work colleagues or finding it difficult to focus on the task required to compete their daily to do lists and I feel like the pressure of these changes are taking their toll on my loved ones.
Please know that you are not alone in this, even if you are stringing together some really productive days, we all have those incredibly difficult hours where is seems easier procrastinate, ignore, day drink or even just go back to bed. How do you get through it? You accept that this is how you are feeling right now, and it will not last. What is happening right now for many in the community is varying levels of grief. Each of us handle grief differently and it depends on the impact of the change on our lifestyles. While we want to return to state of normal, we are missing out on the opportunity to see the transition. Honour the impact and know that we get to create what the new normal will look like.
Grief is not restricted just to losing loved ones, while this is what many families are experiencing, it is also the loss of purpose from losing work, loss of connection from family and friends as well as loss of certainty and stability in how we will function in the world. When my mother died at the tender age of 47, I suppressed my grief to raise our 12-month-old son, manage the household and survive the emotional fall out. I can say that while I was organised and disciplined what helped me through it was an awareness that my life was forever changed and hoped that what happened next would be worth the suffering of the change.
Now I understand that my hope that it would be worth it left out the crucial part — I had to power to create what happened next. Embracing change takes vulnerability, courage, and effort, especially for those that have not yet experienced the unlimited potential of being adaptable. Talking with loved ones has reminded me how important it is to be disciplined, organised and remember what really motivates me. Three things motivate me, people, goals, and processes. When I look back through all the major changes, these three things always been present, and this is what I look for as part of my self-care.
People, connection, and relationships keep me centred, literally as I witness the storm of changes in every direction — I connect to myself and the calm in the middle. While part of me wants to protect my loved ones from the suffering that may be caused by the upheaval, I am disciplined to ensure that I am not a burden to others. Allowing each other to take the time to grieve means giving space to try strategies, not always jumping to fix an issue, less judging on whether loved ones are doing it right and more support. Ask, what can I do to support you? In turn, know what it takes for you feel supported.
Goals, if I can go to bed knowing that I have been a support, been of service, used my skills, learnt something new about myself or others — then that is a good day. I am a very organised person, so I write down what I have achieved, as I love the ticking off things. I understand that that this is my need for control, and it gives me a sense of purpose. My work diary has my tasks, the people I want to connect with and each day I do a quick review to understand what I have on for the next day. This is simple, easy and allows for adhoc changes without getting to dogmatic.
Processes, this gives me hope and where I create the life I expect. As part of my day, if I see something that can be done better more effectively, then I take note and act. I use my experience of today to turn this into wisdom for tomorrow. Most workplaces have a process improvement policy, I use me to highlight where we can be doing better. While I may not always be the one that is responsible for the creating the improvements, it is always my responsibility to highlight improvements. This is where vulnerability and courage are essential, first there is acknowledgement of the situation, next there is recognising that the situation can be better and the last is taking the action to make it better.
So now you know what motivates me, give yourself a few moments to uncover what motivates you. Do you agree that as a community we are grieving for the loss of ‘normal’?