Anxiety Is Never Easy

Hi, it's me PrettyDiane! Just want to share how I am coping with my anxieties every night. I might get help from others who also experienced the same thing and maybe, I could also help others who are with me in this battle.

Since the start of pandemic, most of my days are spent here inside the 4 corners of my room. Since I graduated last year, and since the board exam got postponed, most of my days are spent doing nothing. It was first a boredom, and soon grew to overthinking.

It was almost every night I think about how my life would be in the future. Thinking when this pandemic would stop, when will I become an engineer. It was an endless questions no one could answer. And that's pretty hard, asking questions and gets no answer, because no one knows about the future.

There were times I found myself crying, and it happens almost every night, when everyone is asleep. Those were the times I noticed myself having anxiety attacks, which at first I couldn't understand why. I started asking my mom if ever she'd experienced this thing, because it actually drives me crazy.

I felt alone and sad..

Sometimes I woke feeling tired, feeling sad, found no purpose to continue. I don't want seeing many people, I don't want seeing people laughing because I envy them actually, I envy them because they are simply happy, while I am here feeling sad and don't know where it started.

I fear myself getting old. I fear getting old and would feel useless about myself. I fear my future, if I would achieve all the goals I planned years ago. I fear being left behind. Seeing my friends getting the job they want, getting married, having kids makes me feel the pressure in life. I am happy to them but the pressure is there. You might tell me not to get pressured, but once you feel it, it is very hard not to feel it because it exists in your mind already.

But everyday, I try to find my purpose in life again..

That's why I am still here because I am a fighter. I divert myself lately with all the things that could help me not to overthink. I become active again. I task myself to do almost of the house hold chores to help me go through the day.

It works.

It works for me, and it will work to everyone else who are also having their silent battles. Life is not easy especially during this pandemic, but I believe that we should carry on. We should not let our mind kill our goals and dreams. We should not forget that God is bigger than your problems and that you are stronger than what you think.

Closing Remarks:

I know someone out there would also read this that has the same battle with me. Know that you're not alone. It may feel a little bit blurry to see our way, but it will slowly get clearer. Find something that could divert yourself from anxieties. Be productive. Go have dinner with your friends, don't just let it sink in your mind that you've done nothing. Carry on, because surviving a day is a job well done.

I love you.