Loneliness
is an emotional state that we have when were feeling disconnected, but our need for connection is ingrained in our DNA. Loneliness is a signal just like fighter flight, that something isnt right loneliness is a Public Health crisis. but one in five Americans suffer from loneliness, which means if you havent personally suffered from loneliness, its almost guaranteed that somebody
, you know, closely has it can cause depression and it can even lead to premature death. But now more than ever were living alone. Were spending more time online and less time making meaningful in-person connections. So when emotional storms hit things like losing a job or going through a divorce or a death instead of leaning in towards our communities. Weve learned to suffer alone. So today Im going to offer one solution that will bring us more connection and can help cure the epidemic.
When I was a kid, I had a really hard time fitting in. I wanted to do whatever I could to belong and to not feel lonely. All I wanted was to find connection. So my oh, so wise adolescent self came up with a solution. I was going to be popular. I carried this thought process throughout my team but the problem was the more I wanted to be popular, the more it fueled. My need for attention and approval. And when
I was 20 years old, as fate would have it auditions. For MTVs, reality show. The real world came into town. Now for a girl, still starving for approval and attention. This was my tickets. Now, for some of us, when we think about reality TV, we dont really have that strong of a reaction. Never really watched it. Dont quite get what all the fuss is about. But for others of us, we do have a strong reaction when we think about reality TV, and we generally fall into one of two camps. The first Camp is like, You literally could not pay me enough to go on a reality TV show. In fact, reality TV, is everything that is wrong with our society today. And then the second Camp is like, go on a reality TV show. Honey, I should have my own reality TV show. I would be the next Kentucky for sure. But with a history like mine, Ill give you one guess which cant I fell into. And at 21 years old, I moved to Brooklyn as part of seven strangers picked to live in a house. I love this quote by Jim Carrey. He says, I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that its not the answer. But how many of you have gone after a goal based off of the feelings, you thought you would feel once you accomplish that goal? The real world didnt bring any connection, like I thought it would. in fact, if anything, I would lonelier than I had ever been during those fifteen minutes of fame, but this lesson propelled me into the work I do now studying connection, And whether its the events I produce, or the show that I host or the coaching sessions, I have everything exists to create connection. Because here I am, now my. Oh, so, wise adult self searching for what actually creates connection, and heres what I found. In order to feel connected, we need to feel seen heard and valued. You may have heard of blue zones. Blue zones are areas all over the world. Researchers have found that people live the longest and happiest lives. So everybody does this differently communities in like Loma Linda California? Okinawa Japan, Sardinia, Italy. Some pray together, while others. They walked together. And others simply spend more time nurturing relationships with their families. but the one thing that they all do in common, Is they prioritize connection? They focus on their relationships. What I found is that these societies have created something that I call and anchor a connection. an anchor is created simply by spending quality time with people who see here and value you But how do we create our own anchors of connection? Im so glad you asked. The most powerful way to create an anchor. Its through ritual. Now I know when we think about ritual we generally think about religion or sacred ceremony but today I want to read a fine ritual and something thats not necessarily religious or sacred. But instead something that were already doing on a day-to-day basis The key to making ritual such a powerful tool for connection is that ritual is repeated action plus intention. When you combine repeated action and intention ritual becomes ingrained in you just like have it to do. The best places to find virtual are with your friends and families and your intimate relationships and within your communities. Now, weve been gathering around fires forever to story-tell. Im connect.
. And my girlfriends are couches act as a metaphorical fire that we gather around. Every Monday night, we throwing her leggings. We had one of our houses, we pour yourself some rozay, we pile under the couch and we just talk Weve ritualize Monday night as a time where we come to connect and fill our tanks for the rest of the week. Will plenty of Mondays, were coming. And were talkin about. The things are exciting and going well in our lives, but on lots of Mondays, we come with our tanks, empty, whether thats the small storms that have built up, just daily wear and tear Or the bigger storms, like, going through a divorce or miscarriage. but whether were grieving or celebrating with ritualize Monday night as our anchor, a connection after Monday nights,
I head over to my partners house and we have a ritual that weve been doing for the past year or so were before bed, we each say the thing I love about you. Most today is and then we both say something really kind of that one. Another now easy enough to do when were feeling in love. Not that easy to do when were in a fight. In fact, when we first started this and we were in a fight and I would be angry, it would generally look like this. Hey babe, did you do want to do the thing? I love about Yuma. Okay, do you want to just like try it? Not right now. Im not in the mood. Okay, maybe just maybe just once. Okay. The thing I love about you. Most today is how your eyes sparkle when youre wrong and Im right. But what I could have never guessed this ritual would do is expand my capacity for kindness and compassion and now when were in a fight, sometimes, I even say the thing I love about him. Most first, Its this ritual that has carried us through our storms. So when our sites could just as easily disconnect us and leave us both feeling lonely. Instead, we virtualized our anchor up connection. You know, its interesting now that I know what blue zones are whenever Im traveling Im always looking for Blue Zone qualities. And recently, I took a trip to France with some of the same girlfriends who I spend Monday night with Landing in Paris was amazing and exactly. Like you think it was if youve never been the cobblestone streets, the shutters the window sills with the flowers, the bakeries with spring screw you gluten-free diet. Youre not welcome here. In France, meals are rituals to dinners. For instance, they start later and last longer and whether its two people or 10 people, you sit down and you enjoy the meal for at least 2 hours and usually three, The food takes a long time, no phones are out. And when the meal is over, you sit and you talk some more. Day in and day out the French, go back to the table for their ritualize anchor of connection. Our last stop in France was nice.
We arrived 12 hours after the Bastille Day attack, where the truck driver drove through the fireworks, celebration, tragically killing 84 people. It would have been so easy for everybody to retreat to disconnect to suffer alone. But instead, what we saw. Storefronts and restaurants opening their doors. Even just 12 hours after complete tragedy. People went back to the table. They went back to their ritual. We werent in the mood to go out that night. So, we went back to the apartment. We put on our leggings, we toured herself somewhere. They we piled onto the couch and we just talked We went back to our ritual. because in the face of a storm, In the face of disaster in the face of complete tragedy, ritual acts as your anchor of connection. Now Mike or desire to be late and approved of it might never go away just like your core desires might not either. but what I know now that I didnt know when I was 20 years old, praying that the real world was my answer to loneliness and my ticket to connection Is that connection isnt created by the things we go. Get connection is created by the things we go back to So, my invitation to you today is simple. Dont do something new. Find something youre already doing with your friends and families or in your Intimate Relationships or within your communities. And do that thing over and over and over again. Do it with intention. Doing do it during the good times and do it during the mundane. So when the inevitable emotional storms hit, you have your ritual to go back to You have your very own anchor of connection. Thank you.