ANGER

Anger is a different kind of intense feeling. It's spontaneous and there's something inside of you that moves just because something didn't happen the way it was supposed to or in a manner in which your conscience agrees.

I am sitting here feeling anger all over me and it is an overwhelming feeling. The best way for me to deal with it right now seems to just express it to the person that caused it (of course, in a diplomatic way) simultaneously ensuring I am not hurting anyone in the process.

Once while in a deep discussion with a psychiatrist, she happened to mention something about anger which made me curious to understand it as an emotion. She said 

"Remember, Anger is a secondary emotion."

Now, what exactly do you mean by a secondary emotion?

They say that Anger is not something that we feel immediately when something unfair happens to us, or someone wrongs us in any way or any other x-situation which normally makes us angry.

There is a primary emotion underlying to it which we feel deeply before we are angry. It may be fear, sadness, hurt, pain, it could be anything. These feelings make us feel not so 'in control' of our emotions and leave us feeling vulnerable to more sadness or rejection. To avoid such vulnerability and protect ourselves from it we move to feeling angry.

Anger gives us a sense of control and acts as a shield from feeling unguarded or at a lack of a better word exposed. 

In fact, there is an interesting figure to understand graphically what I have just explained-

That's right. According to the above philosophy, if you are angry even if as an emotion at that moment anger is appearing as a visibly stronger emotion it's not really the predominant reason you are feeling so.

However, other theories do suggest that anger could be a primary emotion and we can't just disregard it and focus on the part which is causing it like anxiety, fear, shame. But in most cases when I try to remember the instances when I was really pissed off I was able to find the underlying reason which was forcing me to go all in Hulk mode.

In the given situation , I know why I am angry. Yes. We can work it out the way it helps us.

For me, Anger is definitely acting as a secondary emotion. I was upset with the expectation that people act the same way I act with them. It's not necessary and it is not always an equal amount of give and takes. But at the moment when you are angry, you are just angry. There's no other absolute feeling. There's just so much sort of a surge of energy and rush of adrenaline in your body when you are angry because that little part of your brain which is still raw, impulsive which either takes it as a flight or fight reaction is burning. It takes it as a fight signal and there's little time to rationalize. 

That moment is important. That's when self-control plays a role. Some people act impulsively and react wildly when they are angry and then regret it later. That's why if angry is something that you get very often it gets easier to control when you try to understand the science behind it.

In my case, I dissected why exactly was I angry and gave myself the time to process that emotion. 

• Why am I angry?

• What might be the primary feeling/emotion that might be driving me to be angry?

• Was the situation in my control?

• Was it someone else's action that is heavily affecting me?

I tried finding answers to these questions and some more. My first instinct was not to go and lash out at the person. I stayed back. I felt the need to calm down. The thing is when you are angry the only aim you have is shielding yourself emotionally, mentally. You are free to take the risk by going ahead and expressing your anger in its full glory but then there are consequences. The person angry and the offending party both might end up getting hurt.

In the heat of the moment, you might end up saying something that stings and regret later. The situation can go worse.

The best way to cope when you are super angry is by looking at it as a problem solving puzzle and dealing (coping) with it step by step. Giving yourself the time to think, to reason and for the best part calming yourself. It doesn't take a lot of time to cool down as well. After a while, things start making sense and it doesn't seem as bad. Of course, a lot of factors come into the picture but at that very moment when you are really angry, it's better to take a pause and decide the further course of action.

Hope you don't get the opportunity to use this 😋