How to save your marriage.
If one of you wants to end your marriage but the other wants to know how to save a marriage on the brink of divorce, there's not much you can do.
Why am I writing about how to save your marriage?
I got to thinking about the people who call our offices and then disappear. Or book an initial meeting with us and never become a client.
Where did they go?
If they wanted to save the marriage and didn't want to get a divorce, why did they call us or recover with us in the first place? I think it's pretty clear on our website what we do, isn't it?
And then I realized...
They didn't believe there was any other problem-solving strategy or anything they could do to save their failing marriage and avoid divorce . Calling and meeting with us became his option of last resort.
But they were really struggling with that decision and still in love with their husband or wife.
So I wanted to do something to help, no matter how small.
Y así nació la idea de una reunión de expertos sobre cómo salvar un matrimonio.
Cómo salvar su matrimonio: el peso de los expertos
Dado que mi formación profesional y mi experiencia se basan en ayudar a las parejas a separarse y/o terminar su matrimonio de manera pacífica y respetuosa, necesita algunos aportes de quienes saben mejor cómo salvar un matrimonio al borde del divorcio.
Así que armé una lista de consejeros matrimoniales, terapeutas de pareja, trabajadores sociales y otros profesionales de la salud mental norteamericanos expertos (a quienes estoy sumamente agradecido por su generosidad tanto de tiempo como de espíritu) y planteé la siguiente pregunta:
“Si pudieras ofrecer a las parejas solo un consejo, sugerencia u orientación sobre cómo salvar un matrimonio del divorcio, ¿cuál sería?”
Les pedí que trataran de mantener sus respuestas concisas. Por lo tanto, usted y su cónyuge podrían digerir fácilmente cada respuesta (y, con suerte, actuaría en consecuencia).
Lo que sigue es una lista de los mejores y más sinceros consejos que he leído sobre cómo arreglar un matrimonio roto y enderezar el barco en tiempos difíciles.
Espero que le sea útil.
Creo que un consejo sobre cómo salvar su matrimonio es buscar ayuda temprana en lugar de esperar que el desprecio, la crítica, la actitud defensiva y la evasiva se afiancen en la relación.
Tal vez antes del matrimonio, asegúrese de haber hecho una buena elección en una pareja y haga un trabajo de asesoramiento previo al matrimonio para que el matrimonio tenga un buen comienzo y obtenga excelentes herramientas para superar los obstáculos más fácilmente.
En las primeras etapas de una relación, si surgen problemas, no los esconda debajo de la alfombra, busque asesoramiento matrimonial.
No mire el matrimonio de manera diferente a la adquisición de educación y un conjunto de habilidades para el empleo. Se necesita trabajo, trabajo diario para la armonía, la alegría y la paz.
El amor y la confianza son componentes vitales para la base de un matrimonio sólido que perdura. Pero el amor y la confianza por si solos no son necesarios.
Cuando los tiempos se ponen difíciles, y siendo la vida lo que es, tener habilidades para escuchar de manera efectiva (a usted mismo ya su cónyuge), manejar bien las emociones negativas intensas y comunicarse sin culpar ni a la defensiva, son las herramientas para navegar los desafios mas dificiles de la vida.
Un buen terapeuta puede ayudar a evaluar y desarrollar sus fortalezas actuales y enseñar, o afinar, las habilidades que podría necesitar para salvar su matrimonio infeliz y hacer que su relación sea lo que quiere que sea.
¿Puedes decirme cómo salvar mi matrimonio?
Mi respuesta es esta: según el Dr. John Gottman, aproximadamente el 70 % de los problemas en las relaciones son, por naturaleza, perpetuos e irresolubles (por ejemplo, ella quiere tener hijos pero él es infértil). Resolver el 30% de los problemas matrimoniales que se pueden solucionar.
Por lo demás, obtenga ayuda para aprender a identificar sus elementos no negociables (p. ej., los niños son imprescindibles), así como sus áreas de flexibilidad (p. ej., podríamos adoptar).
Si unas 20 sesiones de terapias centradas en las emociones no pueden ayudar a una pareja casada a resolver sus heridas y superar sus diferencias, utilice los servicios de asesoramiento para que la transición [de casado a divorciado] sea lo más tranquila y posible.
Obtenga asesoramiento de un terapeuta de parejas calificado que puede ayudar a abordar las lesiones de la relación y ayudar a comenzar el proceso de reparación de su vínculo.
Esté dispuesto a hacer el trabajo que necesita hacer en usted mismo y con su pareja para conectarse en un nivel más profundo, más vulnerable y más auténtico que nunca.
Crea la gran relación que deseas con la persona que más amas en el mundo.
Priorice su matrimonio de tal manera que ambos pongan energía y tiempo en él.
Un matrimonio es como una planta. No sobrevivirá sin la luz solar y el riego adecuado. No puedes simplemente ponerlo en un rincón y esperar que prospere por sí solo bajo las nubes, ni puedes esperar que sobreviva con lluvia ácida.
Ponga un poco de energía y esfuerzo en la relación, tal como lo hizo cuando estaban saliendo. Incluso pasar solo 10 minutos al día juntos, conectándose emocionalmente, a menudo ayudará cuando se trate de salvar un matrimonio.
Esto significa que no hay televisión, juegos de video o niños durante el tiempo de conexión diaria. “Conectarse” puede implicar hablar simplemente y compartir, dar un paseo juntos o hacer algo juntos que ambos disfruten. Ser amable el uno con el otro a menudo produce resultados sorprendentes.
Sé que es un cliché, pero el matrimonio es como competir en un maratón.
Es un viaje muy largo, así que tienes que controlar tu propio ritmo. Comúnmente digo que tienes que correr el maratón y caminar por las estaciones de agua, pero mantente en movimiento constante hacia la línea de meta. No se sorprenda de lo rápido que puede sentirse desconectado incluso en una relación saludable y, a veces, será justo después de que creyó que las cosas estaban mejor que nunca.
Compara el matrimonio con un maratón porque hacerlo bien requiere trabajo duro todos los días. Así que no que las cosas mejoren de inmediato si usted y su pareja no han invertido tiempo en la relación.
Entonces, en pocas palabras, prepárate para trabajar en tu relación todos los días.
¿Cómo puedo salvar mi matrimonio del divorcio?
Si solo puedo dar un consejo, comenzaría a tratar su matrimonio como una entidad viva que respira y que usted es responsable de mantener con vida. Eso puede sonar extraño, pero a menudo no pensamos en lo que podemos hacer por nuestro matrimonio.
Nos quedamos atascados enfocándonos en las cosas que nuestra pareja no hizo por nosotros. Luego usamos eso como una justificación para no hacer cosas buenas para nuestra pareja. Esto crea un ciclo de dolor y resentimiento.
Si, en cambio, se concentra en “alimentar” su matrimonio, independientemente de lo que haya hecho o dejado de hacer su pareja, crecerá y prosperará.
¡Desacelerar! Ese sería mi consejo para una pareja que está al borde del divorcio o la separación. Muchas parejas se precipitan hacia una ruptura o divorcio en lugar de tomarse el tiempo para resolver sus problemas y ver qué podría ser posible para solucionar los problemas matrimoniales y salvar la relación.
Tomando prestada una metáfora deportiva, las parejas se sienten mejor cuando “dejan todo en el campo” antes de separarse. En otras palabras, están mejor preparados para la vida después del divorcio si primero hacen todo lo posible para que el matrimonio funcione.
Sin embargo, la mayoría de las parejas no harán ni la mitad de lo posible para salvar su matrimonio. Las personas a menudo pensarán que lo han intentado todo, pero por lo general ni siquiera están cerca de las muchas formas de salvar un matrimonio del divorcio.
A menudo es por falta de imaginación, o por sentirse desanimados, que las parejas no lograron encontrar nuevas posibilidades para una vida en común. Sin embargo, trato de ofrecer la esperanza de que hay muchas formas de salvar la relación que tal vez ni hayan considerado.
La consejería de parejas ofrece la oportunidad de encontrar estas nuevas posibilidades y crear esperanza de renovación en el matrimonio.
¿Quieres salvar tu matrimonio? ¿Se puede salvar mi matrimonio?
Creo que lo más importante para preguntar y explorar es si cada uno de ustedes [ustedes] ha estado realmente casado alguna vez.
¿Si no, porque no? No puedes saber si realmente quieres divorciarte a menos que sepas en tu corazón que realmente has estado casado.
La segunda parte trata sobre lo que tu pareja entró en tu vida para enseñarte o ayudarte a aprender sobre ti mismo.
¿Saben lo que es eso? Si no, entonces [los individuos] se beneficiarían al descubrirlo y mirarse profundamente a sí mismos.
Pueden divorciarse, pero mi experiencia es que simplemente atraerán el mismo problema con una cara diferente a menos que vean su parte.
Deja de hablar de divorcio. En su lugar, ponga todos sus recursos en salvar su matrimonio.
Pon tu corazón y tu mente en el estado de ánimo que dice que todavía estás completamente involucrado en tener una maravillosa relación a largo plazo con tu cónyuge.
Alguna vez pensó que su esposo (o esposa) era una pareja maravillosa para usted. Redescubre las razones por las que pensaste que eso era cierto.
Luego, piense en cuánto tiempo se ha tardado en llegar a este punto difícil y reconozca que no hay una solución rápida para algo que ha tardado tanto en construirse.
Encuentre el mejor consejero matrimonial que pueda pagar. Reúnase con el terapeuta regularmente y haga el trabajo asignado entre sesiones. ¡ La vida puede ser buena y maravillosa juntos!
My advice (I can't take full credit) actually comes from a Harvard Business Review article titled "Making Relationships Work" which offers the following:
Honor your wife's dreams. Men tend to demolish their agenda in relationships, which makes the wife feel ignored and unknown. Honoring her dreams shows the value that she has and that she brings to the relationship.
Too many husbands can't even occasionally answer the question of what their wife's dreams are, but are more than happy to dwell on their own dreams. Addressing this issue may seem like relinquishing power within the relationship, but I would say that power has only been gained ...
Joe's Note: This quote can apply to both men and women. As a mediator, I have to be neutral!
A marriage can be saved when two people stop thinking about themselves and their feelings and instead focus on the relationship .
He + She + US.
When partners focus on the WE, they do so because their main concern transcends each other in favor of the relationship.
So end the battle between good and evil and you can count on the right actions creating all the right feelings to make a marriage work. Stopping the fight is what really empowers us and creates a victory.
The US wins when neither of us plays the blame game and when being close is more important than being right.
Think of it this way: the WE are the home team, and when the WE win, everyone on the team benefits.
Many couples experience relational pain primarily because they lack extensive knowledge of each other. Regardless of the number of years you have been married or have lived together...
There is nothing more painful than not feeling heard, understood, or validated in an intimate relationship with someone we love and care about. Sometimes familiarity breeds apathy.
The best antidote to growing callousness is to rekindle mutual curiosity. Surprisingly, many couples have not taken the time to get to know each other more deeply through proactive and consistent efforts. Most of the time, the conflict arises from not knowing fully, which invariably leads to misunderstandings.
As [the couples and a therapist] work together, [they] are jointly unraveling this shocking mystery. If couples are willing to invest the time and patience to allow this process to unfold, a new possibility may emerge.
What were once interpreted as irreconcilable differences could become a transformative opportunity to learn and reconnect on a whole different level of empathy and understanding.
This learning process alone can be truly eye-opening for many couples and can be instrumental in saving a failing marriage by inviting them into a new chapter in their relationship.
It is the defensive attitude that conveys a lack of power. When each person tries to get the other to understand their point of view, the discussion rarely stops.
Seek first to understand others before seeking understanding for yourself.
So, be the first to get these 3 points right BEFORE asking the other to listen to your explanations or reasons and point of view.
The power response sounds like this:
1. Own what you said or did first. (i.e. yes, she was screaming...)
2. Acknowledge the other's thoughts or feelings. (ie It makes sense you'd think or feel... )
3. Make amends and say what you're going to do about it. (ie. I'm sorry. I'll be mindful of that.)
A relationship is made up of a system that requires change from both partners. When each person focuses solely on what the other needs, it's hard to break a problematic sequence.
Instead of keeping a primary focus on what your partner is missing, work to look within yourself for positive change and growth. That leads to a healthy marriage!
You both have to be honest with yourselves.
First, make an honest assessment of what you can offer the marriage, as well as what you're asking of your partner. If you want this to work, there must be a commitment to do so .
This includes relearning the meaning of trust. It's not enough to point a finger at your partner and exclaim, "Why don't you trust me?"
Ask yourself the question of how much you trust your partner. Usually they both want the same thing.
Allow yourself to trust them more and make sure they trust you more. There will be, and there should be, ups and downs in reaching a healthier relationship.
Therefore, do not stop working on your simple relationship because the work becomes too difficult. In short, each member of the couple must continue to work on themselves and that leads to a happy marriage.
If you trust that both of you are doing this, saving your marriage can be successful.
Can one person save a marriage?
One of the biggest changes I suggest is to have more goals for yourself than for your spouse. Impressive how it works...
In fact, it is the changes made by only one of the spouses that caused the marital change. Of course, it depends on the issues, but even with cheating partners, I've seen this work.
Once again, my advice to anyone who wants to save a troubled marriage is to work on yourself and get back to the core of who you are without expecting your spouse.
At a minimum, the person doing it alone can choose to address their personal issues and grow as a result. Those positive changes can often begin to challenge the spouse's perspective and create hope of saving the marriage.
If you only had a guide to please if you're looking for ways to save your marriage, you'd ask yourself, "How am I responsible?" It takes two for things to work and for things to get stuck in unhealthy repetitive patterns.
Many times, couples blame each other or feel deadlocked or blocked [with no] way forward. If each spouse takes the time to recognize, name, and act out his or her part in the cycle, he or she can't help but change the way things play out.
This often requires professional help to see through the triggers and emotions, but once labeled, it's much easier to see how things went wrong and therefore how to fix it.
We are usually not able to figure it out on our own as we are in the middle, so calling a therapist is a great idea to see if your marriage is salvageable. I immediately look for both parties willing to take some responsibility.
Sometimes one person or even both partners feel hopeless and counseling is a waste of time, especially if one partner refuses to attend.
I strongly recommend counseling but not with the view of "fixing" the other person. They should approach it with the idea of learning about themselves and seeing their marriage as an experience that contributes to their growth... We need to learn to be happy with ourselves (which takes a lifetime) and not expect others to make us happy .
Often when people fall in love, they show their best qualities and decide to marry based on them. People should also see the shortcomings of others and, more importantly, accept them.
I think fear is a major source of how people react, especially to those they are most intimate with, and marriage is one of the most intimate experiences that brings out our most vulnerable selves.
I also think we give up easily because we live in a disposable society where things are constantly being replaced. We learn in our family of origin how to be in relationships and often carry these patterns into other relationships, including marriage.
Transparency and accountability are paramount to maintaining or "saving" a marriage. Both involve confidence and self-reflection, qualities that often require us to leave our pride at the door.
To maintain trust in a strong marriage, each partner must be not only honest, but also transparent. Sometimes couples will claim “honesty” even with the omission of details, thoughts and feelings, which could damage the marriage bond.
La transparencia, por otro lado, requiere que una comparta abierta y honestamente en una pareja de múltiples niveles, permitiendo la vulnerabilidad con la esperanza de un sentido más profundo de intimidad. Este tipo de intimidad no solo ayudará a mantener una relación sana, sino que también la reparará.
La verdadera intimidad implica autorreflexión y transparencia, las cuales juegan un papel en la rendición de cuentas. La auto-reflexión cuando cada socio puede honestamente, sin orgullo, examinar sus pensamientos y comportamientos y tomar posesión de sus intenciones y posibles “malas acciones”. Si uno o ambos miembros de una pareja son incapaces de hacer esto, el matrimonio no puede avanzar de manera saludable.
El descontento silencioso engendra resentimiento, distancia y discordia marital. Sea proactivo en el mantenimiento de la salud de su matrimonio, siempre valdrá la pena el tiempo y el esfuerzo.
Creo que el único consejo que le daría a una pareja que trabaja para salvar un matrimonio es comenzar a prestar atención al TONO con el que se dicen las cosas.
Someone can say all the right words, but if their tone is condescending, flippant, or disrespectful in any way, the words will mean nothing.
I have noticed in my work that couples who will last together have good communication. They speak to each other in a friendly and respectful tone of voice. They say "please" and "thank you" to each other and genuinely appreciate what the other brings to the relationship.
As couples contemplate divorce , they may be experiencing communication breakdowns, including frequent arguing or mutual avoidance. However, many couples still hope that they can save their marriage.
As a couples therapist, my only advice is to keep communication open. In particular, be willing to validate your partner's experience, listen, hurt yourself, and try to foster empathy with your partner.
Think about when the relationship was thriving and how the two of you communicated better. Try to avoid contemptuous language, hurtful, defensive, and argumentative comments.
Changing communication styles is not easy; however, if both of you are willing to commit to your relationship, it is not only essential , but possible to save your marriage.
My advice to couples considering divorce is to realize that a series of small decisions over a long period of time lead to disconnection, and that further small positive decisions can lead to better communication and a greater sense of connection. .
Small positive decisions made daily include refraining from criticizing your spouse and instead letting your spouse know something you appreciate about them.
Criticizing, judging, and comparing your spouse leads to a breakdown in trust and increased defensiveness.
Practice mindfulness and 'catch' negative thoughts before they leave your mouth!
We can all agree that marriage is full of fun and wonderful times together, but it definitely has its challenges too.
One piece of advice I would give my clients on how to save a marriage on the verge of divorce is to make sure that you communicate as best you can. Effective communication is key to a healthy relationship.
However, if the couple reaches a point in their lives where they feel like they just can't move on, my advice is to contact a martial therapist. I know that many couples use counseling as a last resort, but if both people are genuinely willing to make it work, then counseling can help.
Through counseling, the therapist can help couples recognize some of their differences or stuck conflicts, as they move from being stuck in a situation with ongoing arguments to a healthier and more effective way of communicating with each other.
Couples may do better if they communicate in the presence of a counselor who can direct people to move on from the same conversation and help come up with some reasonable compromises/solutions.
Through marital or couples therapy, the counselor can help the couple increase effective communication skills, help them look at each other's perspective, discuss what makes a relationship work and what a healthy relationship looks like, help identify specific relationship issues and dynamics, understand stalled conflicts , and help establish issues and strategies that will help strengthen conflict management skills.
"Is there a way to save my marriage after cheating?"
Families are often torn apart when an affair is discovered, even when the extramarital affair was insignificant and short-lived. Children grow up believing that one of their parents is unworthy or bad and their parents' divorce is attributed to adultery.
What if it was the combination of action and reaction that led to the divorce and the family lost the opportunity to grow and forgive? Perhaps the wound inflicted by infidelity could have been healed if the betrayed partner had been more curious about their partner and the dynamic they co-created before the partner strayed.
It may be beneficial to go into counseling to learn what emotional need the partner was trying to satisfy in such a damaging way.
I would suggest we avoid words like "cheating" from conversations about infidelity. It can result in stigmatizing a human being without trying to understand it more deeply.
If your world has been shaken by your partner's infidelity, this is a very difficult time for you. You may need to take some time to understand better before moving into divorce proceedings that could tear your family apart.
Pause and be open to deepening your commitment in the face of this shocking realization.
Contemplating separation and divorce can be an extremely confusing time. It can be tempting to blame your spouse for the unhappiness, hurt, resentments, and loneliness you feel inside.
Racing thoughts about whether to leave or stay, striving for all the parts of the relationship you are not satisfied with can lead to an intense fight or flight reaction… Your mind may start racing with thoughts that something is wrong in your relationship, in your partner or in yourself. , creating confusion and distress.
What if I told you that these are the signs of transformation and change? An opportunity to enhance the closeness, connection, and intimacy between you and your spouse?
Knowing whether or not you are in the fight or flight response is essential in determining when to make a decision or not.
I often recommend consulting with a professional relations expert to gain insight and understanding about the issue that triggers your reaction.
Taking the time to fully understand this will bring the clarity you want and provide the answers you seek, so any decision you make is from a state of calm and clarity, leaving you, your partner's, and your family's dignity intact. .
How can I save my marriage?
In today's stressful modern world, we have a lot on our plates.
The demands of work, financial pressures, and even friends and family can drain our energy until we have nothing left to give ourselves, let alone others.
It's not uncommon when we feel depleted of our energy to not be at our personal best. And when we're not at our best, we may inadvertently take out our anger and frustrations on our own life with others, including our spouse.
The best advice I can give someone trying to save a marriage is to realize what patterns of negative events in their outer world trigger negative events in their "inner world."
Pay attention to the circumstances that precipitate any fight you have with your spouse. You may start noticing the same things that trigger it every time.
If you can become aware of those triggers, you can begin to manage them and hopefully work to eliminate them, either on your own or with the help of a good therapist or coach, leading to a better attitude and sense of self. .
And finally, a new level of closeness in your marriage.
Relational patterns often lead to unhappy marriages. I encourage you to become aware of these cycles.
When you are aware, you can change your relationships. A simple pattern that is common to get defensive when your partner is critical. It is an automatic response that you give without much thought. In marriages there are many of these automatic responses, where both spouses are responsible.
The problem is not the individuals of the couple, but how both are related. If you are not aware of these patterns, you continue to engage in behaviors that lead to frustrations.
I encourage you to become aware of these cycles. When you realize, you can implement a slightly different answer.
When you choose to implement something different, you find that your partner also responds differently, as you have broken the automatic cycle.
When you do something different, both of you can begin to make changes that will lead to a fulfilling relationship and a happy married life.
Can a marriage be saved?
One piece of advice on how to save a failed marriage would be to understand that in the moments of our love we see each other perfectly, and when we question marriage we notice all our differences.
The challenge of a good marriage is learning to honor and respect those differences in order to find your constant connection despite the differences you have as individuals.
All successful marriages have enormous respect for each other, and that respect is for individuality: the individuality of each spouse's feelings, thoughts, and experiences.
Learn to repair. Mending is a necessary act of reconnection after any disconnection or fight, big or small... Take turns going through the following steps, avoiding blaming, criticizing, and defensiveness. The repair only works if both partners go through each step:
1. Make a list of your feelings during the unpleasant incident . Don't tell each other why you felt that way, as that turns into guilt.
2. Describe your reality . As objectively as possible, describe what happened to him. For the person listening, don't try to correct the sequence of events. Listen to understand (not to respond). You will have the opportunity to describe your reality when you change places.
3. Describe your triggers – Rewind your memory to describe a time before your marriage when you felt this way. A trigger is what sets you up for anger and overreaction. You are just getting more information for yourself and your partner about your emotional system.
4. Take Responsibility – Both partners must take responsibility for the fight or disengagement. He's saying "This is what I did to make that fight worse." This step can include an apology if necessary.
5. Positive Plan – Describe what you could do differently the next time you are in a similar situation, in a positive way, so that the relationship is affirmed, needs are met, and fighting is avoided.
Acquiring peace-making skills is crucial to lasting happiness.
I see couples fighting like two dogs over a bone and couples drifting apart due to misplaced priorities. I see couples who endured the interference of dreams, the pain of addictions, or the betrayal of an affair.
The couples who have the best chance of surviving are the ones who can quickly repair their relationship by knowing how to emotionally reconnect despite the challenges.
Fighting for connection solidifies relationships, while the opposite allows them to fade.
You married your love. The excitement of their relationship has faded. You have faced challenges and perpetual struggles that you have worked hard to overcome.
You're stuck in the "crazy cycle" and you've almost given up hope...
Your longing for a loving connection is possible. Your relationship can be repaired if…you are both 'in', [you both] seek help from a marriage counselor you trust who is solution-focused and emotionally focused, and [you both] attend a marriage conference together.
So there you have it! expert advice on how to save a marriage
If you find even one of the tips shared by our experts useful, I'm very glad.
And I hope what you've learned from this article is that saving your marriage from divorce takes a lot of work, takes time and commitment from both spouses, and it won't happen overnight.
But it is possible !