Sarcasm Saturday #33 - The Story Of Dave The Pirate And The Butcoin Treasure

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Written by

#Club1BCH

3 months ago

Topics: Sarcasm, Sarcasm Saturday, Noise.Cash, Dave the Pirate, Bitcoin Cash, ...

Our online activity includes constant harassments from "helpful" people that want to help us go down the rabbit hole and take advantage of the best crypto opportunities. I am approached by Bitcoin sellers, crypto miners, people that want to pay me bags of money to try their games and so on... all of them focusing on one single thing... to make me rich!

Now let's go back to basics and always remember rule number one... if something is too good to be true... is not true. Behind that perfect American name is always someone who want's to steal your money. The tricksters used to have a professional avatar, and a classic name plus surname, to create that business appearance. This is the story of a random guy that wanted to sell me Bitcoin, and how it become my pirate friend!

Things changed slightly, and now scammers have Bored Apes jpgs as profile pictures. They will tell you you won a raffle whiteout taking part, reminding you about airdrops that never happened and so on. Stay vigilant my friend!

Dave dropped in my DM unannounced, being kind enough to share a great way to become rich! What a top guy! His name was "David James" for an unique touch of authenticity. Did you notice all scammers have some standard English/American names? It's never Igor, Abdul or Pinesh that wants to share financial opportunities with internet strangers.

I started the banter with my new friend Dave, telling him he's a pirate. He insisted he's no cutthroat even if he's from Ohio. As they said in Casablanca... this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Unfortunatelly the screenshots were all messed up in a folder but I tried to respect the timeline. So Dave wanted me to register on this website to earn big bags of Bitcoin and become rich. It was back in the days when I had free time and I decided to play along.

I told him I registered but didn't received anything. He wanted a screenshot, but I think he wanted dick pics as well. Dave was special, and was always ready to help.

Told him I tried again and my phone doesn't let me install the app he said about. It's not working to pay for it with peanuts and I had no cash either. Why peanuts? Just because we are all aping into crypto gains like degens.

Maybe the issue was that my phone was not updated, or maybe because his app was more harmful than spandex

on a hot summer day. Sweaty ass or a scamming app....what you prefer?

Dave told me that Bitcoin will gro' every single day ... but I wasn't Butcoin savvy! I was upset that his app didn't worked on my polyphonic Nokia 1100, but didn't give up.

Dave was trying to help, but internet is expensive and slow on Tattoine. Maybe is the sand that makes it so slow, maybe is the Empire that plays with the signal power.

I told Dave that my nan has a laptop, and will try to use it to get this Butcoin offer. Not sure how cold was in Oh-Hi-Yo but I told him I like knives and ice-cream... I can join his crew and travel the seas. Would his ship be called the Downtrader? Will Prince Caspian make a cameo?

Told my crewmate that I had the laptop, but he was slow. Maybe he had a wooden leg? This time he send me another link, probably as harmful as the first one.

Dave didn't answer quick enough so I bought DOGE, because Elon said that dog face coin will moon. Elon know better than Dave. Or not! Time will tell! However, Dave got upset when I told him about Doge... maybe he had an allergy to dogs.

But Dave is not stupid.... he asked about my profile picture. I dodged the bullet and told him is a picture from the internet. I just downloaded a PVM pfp to look smart and hook up with Tinder chicks. Boom... straight down the basement at the first date.

Dave is cool, he even spoke with his MD about me. But I had to delay my Butcoin investment... as nan will give me my allowance at the end of the month. No money until the 21st!

Time to have fun... and distract Dave from financial advices. You know why nan doesn't let me use her laptop? Last time I ordered some dildos by mistake.

Dave laughed hard but didn't got distracted. He wanted to go back to bussiness.... Dave is a pro! But I am a pro as well... and wanted to know if he likes cats or dogs!

I am curios by nature and had to know what cheese does Dave prefer. I like Red Leicester but Dave doesn't like cheese... I am disappointed! He also had no clue about Jamie Vardy and his party!

Dave kept insisting about his app, to click the link and stuff... I was ready to sell kittens!

What're we goan do about this? said Dave with a pirate accent. We gonna Arrrrghh and then steal nan's laptop. I gonna steal her cards and buy shitloads of those Butcoin.

Dave agreed that my plan was good. Plundering the elderly people is what real pirates do!

Dave wanted to know the exact time when I will steal the laptop, because he's a busy man. But nana is a free elf, she sleeps whenever she wants. It's harder if she doesn't take her sleeping pills!

Was getting late in Darnassus, and nan was getting ready to feed her cats. The spawns of Satan were hungry!

Her Cat? No... the cats... all 12 of them! Nan was a crazy cat person. Think I just dropped some spoilers when I said "was a crazy cat person". Nan's cats where ugly as hell

My plan failed as nana opened a bottle of gin and watched Tik-Tok all night! I was upset I disappointed Dave!

We already chatted for about two weeks and Dave was tired. He wanted to close the deal and wanted to impress me with his gains. All I wanted was some coins that are accepted at Costco.

Silly Dave spilled the beans when he asked what's Costco. I googled and they had many Costco in Ohio. The best location for electronics, groceries, small appliances, and more. Find quality brand-name products at warehouse prices.

Dave was always busy earning those Butcoins! But he dropped his busy schedule when I told him I have $500 ready to invest. The only issue was that the money was on a check.

Bitcoin was at $40,000 back then, the good old days! Let's not lose hope... the 50k days will soon be here! 2024 will be glorious!

This chats where during Covid-19 times, but only rediscovered the screenshots last week on my old phone. No... not the Nokia 1100!

Was time for nana drama! She took the laptop and then panicked when she lost her mouse. The mouse is wireless but she put it on a rope to keep it in sight. Last time she lost it we had to call the ambulance.

Nana has some issues, she said Jesus was calling her in heaven. Dave was supportive and was happy when I told him nana was alright! He laughed when I told him she's not going to heaven!

Kittens time! I am sad I couldn't invest but happy nana got kittens! Maybe Dave would like a companion? He said No but this is far from over.

Imagine selling pets for crypto... this is the way! Or create cute kitten-like creatures that will fight against other cute creature and the players could earn crypto from playing this game. This can't be real!

Dave kept pushing the Bitcoin deal, but I was always out of money! The spawns of Satan are expensive to feed, and no spear money is left for me. I wish I listen to Dave and got Butcoins, as they would have helped me to gain more profit!

But ... I had a deal as well! One kitten for $120... discounted from $150 full price. Or an even better one.... get two spawns of Satan for only $200!

Nana had another fit, but the Diazepam helped. Dave prayed for her, but nana prayed for Jefferson. Maybe because she takes her tablets with gin... maybe this is why she speaks with Black Jesus every night!

Yes.... Dave was right! I had to monitor her! Black Lightning is back! Pam-Pam!

We're about two months away since our first chat... we are BFFs now! We sharing breakfast pictures now. Dave ignored my fucking noodles and kept talking about investing.

Sometimes Dave goes on and on.... like a broken record. But he's ok... he's just a guy that want to share wealth!

We are sharing lunch pictures as well... mostly me! Ok... only me! But I had to share this BBQ lamb chops with him! Nana can't eat lamb, or any solid foods, because she has no teeth's!

Dave got sad when he heard, and even more when I told him nan's mouse got lost again. But shit... I spoiled the beans now with the picture. Dave asked if I took the picture with my Nokia. Why do you ask bro... you think I am lying to you? You think I am one of those internet scammers?

Told Dave I've got a new phone now, with memes and gifs! I was ready to register now so Dave wanted to make sure I will do it correctly. He asked again for a screenshot!

He wanted a screenshot... I sent him a screenshot! Not sure why he needed it!

When not trying to sell Butcoin... Dave was like a teacher. He told me that Butcoin is internet magical money, better than gold or dogecoin. Butcoin can make you a rich mofo!

The Butcoin also multiply... like sheeps! I can be a Butcoin Sheppard... I can be whatever I want! But well.... still didn't registered!

Dave didn't want those kittens, and I sold my Dogecoin to early. HODLers always win, and Doge pumped like crazy when Elon shilled it a lot on Twitter. This is no joke ... I missed a $6000 profit!

More life advice from Dave... borrow money from friends and buy Butcoin! I am fat, have no friends and I live in nan's basement! I have to share the house with 12 devilish cats... and I had to drop Nicky Minaj ass into this conversation.

Job opportunities in Mexico? Anyone needs a hitman? This is the first good advice from Dave... making people disappear doesn't sound nice. Maybe Dave but it's a well paid job!

Lets forget crypto and talk about faith! Dave had faith... and was surprised when I told him man will leave her house and money to the church!

She told me I am not worthy .... that God should strike me... only because I told her that Jeff is not real. This Jesus is the effect of gin and diazepam! Nana didn't believe it!

I wanted to shake Dave's faith and told him God didn't do Butcoin but he had an answer for it! God gave man the wisdom to make Butcoin. I started to like Dave... he always had good answers.

Dave was wise but man he hated dogecoin! And man ... I liked to piss him off!

Things got worst when nana changed the WiFi password! Told nana she has dementia and Jefferson is not Jesus, Jefferson is the school principal!

I tried to register from McDonalds WiFi and I couldn't access Dave's website! I tried with VPN and nothing worked. The guy at the Drive-Trough wasn't helpful either.

Three months gone and Dave was still chasing a deal. But things were bad! The good news was that I had the laptop now... the bad news was that nana was dead!

Dave was so sad that he even put three crying emoji on his reply. He couldn't believe it!

Has hard to share this... but she had a cocaine overdoes mixed with diazepam and gin. Dave was confused by the news. I told him that her last words where "Jefferson I am coming to you! Open the gates... Agripina is coming!"

Dave was sad! He told me I have to stay strong. But how could I be strong when 12 demonic cats want my soul?

I thought the cats want to eat my soul but Dave said it's not possible! He promise to be with me! Dave is wise so I trust his judgement... cats can't eat souls!

Meanwhile Carl Claesson dropped in my DM. He didn't want kittens either! Carl was silly! Maybe he was another crewmate on Dave's ship?

Dave turned into a real friend after three months of chatting. I think he was after nana! He wanted to help with my bills and stuff! But he needed my help as well!

I ignored him and answered back with sad gifs for a while... than Dave was gone! Maybe his ship was sunk in the middle of the sea?

I missed chatting with Dave so when Assumta Hasley DM me I was happy! He wanted to tell me about a strategy that will earn me daily rewards! Bitcoin to be precise!

I told her Butcoin is a bitch and never paid me. Told her about Dave and the kittens deal!

Got sad again when she told me she didn't knew Dave the Pirate. She has a company that will make me rich rich like Richie Rich! I told her Doge will go to the moon

I was told to invest with Astrogloballimied but couldn't trust them. This was like the name of a sad clown that always gets hit in the face by pies. Good bye Butcoin investments. Hope you are well Dave!