Wardrobe Malfunction

[WP] You're a female hero in a fantasy world, and you are annoyed. The wizards keep giving you enchanted armor with incredible stats, but it looks RIDICULOUS! This one has nipples! This one has a hole over your heart! This one is just a necklace and a belt! Would they please STOP IT!

*****

Korgren had been saving and scrimping for a year. A whole year, and now this.

She’d been in Waterdeep only two days, long enough to pay her respects at the temple and convert some items retrieved from the last campaign into the funds required. She’d spotted the set she wanted a year ago: Full plate, fashioned by Gulfric the master armorer. Tough, durable, and practical. Like Korgren herself, a half-orc paladin.

An angry half-orc paladin. What in the nine hells was this garbage they were selling now?

“Oh, that’s gone, sold or scrapped. This is the current fashion,” Anthros, the shop assistant, had protested when she’d demanded to know what happened to the set she’d wanted. “All the armorers of the city are making these now, for our, uh…” gazing fearfully up at Korgren’s frown, “..our clientele.”

“Who is buying these from you? Women… or the men who want to see them wearing it?” Korgren growled. She held the glove-sized object in her hand, a hole in its center. “My smallclothes are bigger than this!! Where is it even supposed to go?! Phah!!”

She threw the piece at Anthros and stomped out of the shop.

–

“Well… I understand they do tend to follow fashion trends. Even armorers have to look for any edge they can to make a sale,” Enna said reasonably. “Glad it’s not a problem in my line of work.” Rogues were far more concerned with concealment - and as a half-elf, it took considerably less material to conceal Enna than it would have for her larger friend.

She and Korgren had adventured together for nearly two years, and got along amicably in spite of their differences. When she returned to Waterdeep from time to time to visit family at the inn they ran, the half-orc often stayed there as well, in exchange for providing security.

“It’s ridiculous. Women in need of armor aren’t going to look twice at that crap,” Korgren complained. They stood at the back of the bar as she kept an eye out for unruly customers, but it was a quiet night so far.

Enna nodded in agreement. “Like you said earlier. Women are not the intended customers. And the mens’ armor doesn’t fit, does it?”

“No, of course not. The dimensions are off,” Korgren muttered.

They stood in silence for a few moments. Finally Enna said tentatively, “There might be someone who can help. He’s not a regular, but he comes here every once in a while. A wizard. Good with transmutation, if you get what I’m saying.”

Korgren snorted. “So I can march into a den of ogres in my nice new plate armor, only to have it turn into fluff when the transmutation wears off? No way.”

“This one can make them permanent, with the right catalysts. Or so he says,” Enna replied. Just talk to him, what can it hurt? I’ll point him out the next time I see him here.”

–

The wizard visited the inn again three days later. It was late in the evening; many of the usual patrons had left. Enna walked over to him as he sat down, Korgren in tow, and introduced them.

As Enna had said, Utrix was indeed a transmutation specialist - but more importantly, he could indeed make certain transmutations permanent. When Korgren explained the problem, he burst out laughing, drawing the attention of the remaining crowd. After a moment he simply said, “That’s doable. A like-for-like transmute, that’s the key. Not cheap, though.”

Enna held up a bag. “Will this cover it?” Utrix took the bag and opened it, examining the contents.

Korgren shook her head vigorously. “No, you can’t pay for this. It’s my problem.”

“This is a gift from the family,” Enna smiled. “We insist.” At this, Enna glanced over at the bar; her aunt and uncle were there, cleaning up. As Korgren watched, the uncle caught her eye and winked. She fell silent at this; she had her pride, but kindness of this sort shouldn’t be refused.

“This wouldn’t normally be enough… but I think the situation calls for a price reduction.” Utrix finally said as he pocketed the bag. “I’ll see you at Gulfric’s shop tomorrow, twelve o’clock sharp.”

***

The next day, Korgren arrived at Gulfric’s armor shop right on time; Enna tagged along, saying she wanted to watch the fun. The half-orc wandered inside, glowering at the tiny bits of armor draped upon womens’ dress forms, off to the side of the shop. This time the shop assistant, Anthros, gave her a wide berth.

As promised, Utrix arrived shortly after, his navy wizard’s robes swirling around him, completely oblivious to the incongruity of his presence in a plate armor shop. Wasting no time, he strode up to the half-orc. “Which women’s set do you want?”

“Doesn’t matter, does it?” Korgren grumbled, waving an arm. “Pick one. They’re all equally useless.”

“True that,” Utrix agreed, eyeing the skimpy bits of plate and cloth. “Now, on the men’s side, what do you fancy?”

Korgren strode up to a plate armor set she’d noticed previously: Not beautiful, but crafted well. Functional, durable, practical. And structured for male dimensions. “This one.”

Utrix nodded; then drew himself up, taking in a breath and holding it. He held his hands out, one in the direction of the set Korgren had indicated; the other, towards the nearest women’s set, a tiny plate-armor bikini top and fabric thong. Slowly, a tendril of blue light swirled out from his hands toward each set; it glowed dimly at first, then brighter and brighter, until both armor sets were suffused with bluish light.

Anthros ran over, shouting “Stop this! Stop this at once, unless you intend to pay for them immediately!”

“Here’s your money, shopkeep. Now shut up,” Korgren snarled, tossing a bag at him. Her entire savings, including the sale of her current mail set; just barely enough to cover the cost, but worth it to acquire what she wanted. Utrix scrabbled to catch the bag, then quickly backed away, unsure of what to do.

Just a few moments later, Utrix was done. The glow dissipated. “There you go,” he said with a gasp, releasing his breath at last and lowering his hands. “I trust it meets your expectations.”

The women’s set was perfect; Korgren smiled delightedly. “Thanks. Couldn’t be happier.”

The men’s set, on the other hand, was now nothing more than a codpiece, with dainty blue feathers fastened to its side. Enna snickered, then began laughing loudly. Before long, Korgren and Utrix were guffawing as well.

Anthros, on the other hand, was very unhappy. He pointed angrily at Utrix. “This is your fault! How will I ever sell that piece now!!”

“Don’t be an idiot. She paid you enough for both sets,” Enna retorted.

Utrix turned to the women, smirking. “I believe our business is done, but I’m not finished here. This…gentleman -” he gestured at Anthros - “has given me an idea. You’d best go if you don’t want to get caught up in it.”

Enna yanked at Korgren’s arm as she busily picked up the armor pieces. “We need to get out of here. I’ll help carry.” She lowered her voice. “He sometimes has a temper.”

–

Later that day, as patrons began streaming into the inn for an ale and evening meal, Enna’s uncle Evras walked over to Korgren. “I’m hearing some interesting things happened today at the armorer’s shop.”

“Oh yeah?” Korgren kept her tone neutral.

“Codpieces. Codpieces everywhere.” Evras raised his eyebrows. “You know anything about that?”

“How truly fascinating,” Korgren replied, her eyes on the patrons. “Perhaps it’s the latest fashion.”

*****

THE END