Time Past

[WP] You're a plucky 12 year old in 1980s suburban America and you and your friends are convinced something is up with your neighbor. He has a weird collection of surgical masks, laughed nervously one time you mentioned a certain real-estate mogul, and says weird words like based, sus, and ratio'd.

*****

"Maybe he just likes to wear it, like a ninja or something."

"A ninja? You ever seen a ninja with a bright blue mask?"

The two kids stood outside Sam's house. He was their newest classmate who, overnight, became the most popular boy in school. Using words like 'sus' and 'based', girls flocked to him, fascinated by his cryptic slang. They didn't quite understand what he was saying (neither did he, to be fair), but regardless were drawn to him. Johnny and Grumps were determined to figure out Sam's secret. To do this, they decided to befriend him.

"Hi Mrs. Parker," Johnny said as Sam's mother answered the door. "Is Sam home?"

"Oh! You must be from school. I'm surprised he has already made friends, back in... nevermind. Yes, he's up in his room. It's up the stairs to the left, come on in."

She pointed them to the stairs and up they went.

"What should we say?" Grumps asked Johnny as the two were staked outside Sam's door. "Like, do we just invite him to play ball or something?"

"Why are you so nervous? He's a kid just like us, we just gotta be ourselves."

The door creaked open and Sam brought his head up from a small glowing rectangle.

"Hey, Johnny and.. Gums was it? What's up?" "Grumps." "Oh, sorry."

Johnny was, like all kids are, curious about the toy he'd never seen before. "What's that?"

"It's called a cellphone, look."

They were on both sides of him now, looking down into the screen. On the pixels was something Sam called an 'app'. It had a picture of a blue bird on it.

"This is called Tweeter," he said, "it's a place where anyone can talk to anybody. You got any favorite actors?"

The two thought for awhile, and then Grumps blurted, with the excitement only a child could have, "Harrison Ford! Indiana Jones rocks!"

A few taps on the screen (how does it work without buttons? the two wondered) and Sam pulled up a Twit directed to Mr. Ford himself.

"What do you wanna say to him?"

The boys blushed. "You mean, we can talk to him?"

"Well, not talk like a phone call, but you can send him a... virtual letter. He'll see it instantly."

"Okay, then, tell him in the next Indian Jones flick he gotta use his whip more."

"Sure."

The trio waited a few minutes after sending out the Twit, but Ford never responded.

"I didn't like the movie that much anyways," Johnny said.

THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL:

"SHEEEEEEEEEEEESH," Grumps shouted at the scene of three guys talking to one girl. He bumped Johnny on the shoulder. "Talk about getting ratio'd, am I right?"

Not exactly the right use, Sam thought to himself, but he liked the spirit.

In English class, Mrs. Danison handed out the weekly quiz. Immediately Johnny tore it in half.

"Mr. Shoemaker!" the teacher shouted, "what do you think you're doing?!"

"Look, Danison," Johnny said, "that quiz was hella sus. I saw it vent actually. AMOGUS."

In the corner of the room, Sam shouted "BASED!"

All other students giggled. Johnny saw one girl giving him the eyes. He liked this power.

"Yeah, like, BIG yikes, Mrs. Dansion," Grumps chimed in. "Giving us a quiz like that, no cap? That's lowkey harassment."

"What are you kids saying?!" Mrs. Danison shouted, her face turning red. "You are butchering the English language!" She cared more about the grammar than being insulted.

"Butchering?" Sam said, "nah fam, we're making it lit. Now stop throwing shade and put on a movie or something. By the way, your fit is ass..

Mrs. Danison looked down at her butt. Her fit was ass? What?

But suddenly, as the entire classroom was laughing their heads off, a switch flipped in her brain. She had a revelation, as if high on magic mushrooms, and somehow got a glimpse forty years into the future.

"Yeah?" she started, "well, maybe if ya'll weren't so shook you'd be able to take the quiz. You scared of The Giver? He too woke for you? I think he slaps."

Everyone in the room was taken aback. This not even five foot tall woman, spitting slang of the future. And she was damn good at it too.

"Johnny," she continued, "if your momma wasn't so ugly, maybe your dad wouldn't have found a new bae. And even the new one ratchet AF, LMAO!"

Johnny burst into tears. The words stung, even if he didn't know what they meant. Some thoughts could travel through inflection and context alone.

But she wasn't finished. "And Grumps. First of all, what kind of name is that? So extra. It's like your parents just yeeted out every normal name from their brains, and landed on yours. That's a mood though, if I knew my son was going to be so dumb I'd have done the same."

Grumps, true to his name, put on a frown.

It was time for the final boss.

"And Sam," she said, "what year were you born in anyways? 2010? Little basic zoomer. You traveled back in time though, didn't you? So that kind of makes you older than me. Ok boomer."

Mrs. Danison hoped she had said enough, but when she looked at Sam she saw a smirk. He had been waiting for this.

"You passed the vibe check, Mrs. Dansion," he said, "but you aint ready for this clapback."

Suddenly, Sam left the room, and Mrs. Danison reverted back to her old self.

English class was halfway over now, and all the kids were handing in their quizzes, when Sam returned. Behind him came the principal.

"What's this I hear about you insulting your students, Ruth?" he said. "I think we need to have a chat, in private."

Mrs. Danison's face turned red. She stared at Sam, but all he did was shrug.

"Get cancelled."

*****

THE END.