Proposals

[WP] All your life, mythological beings have tried to pick you up. Childhood? Forced adoption. Teenagehood/Adulthood? Marriage. For example, selkies purposefully left their skins where you'd find them; banshees serenade you outside every night. Now at 30, you've learned why you attract them all...

*****

“Do you think I’m beautiful?” She asked, her scissors blocking me from shutting the door. She wasn’t ugly by any means, but I had heard the story before.

“Do you think I’m beautiful?” According to the stories, this was the easiest way to escape her. You needed to distract her with a question before fleeing, or in my case, create an opportunity to close the door. She placed the scissors against her cheek, touching the end of that long cut.

“Of course, I think you’re beautiful. I was hoping you would accept my marriage proposal. I came all this way to confess my love for you.”

“Huh?”

Marriage proposals like this were common. No matter what I did, the strange beings would always come to find me, confessing their strange forms of love. Stranger than that was the fact it was spreading to urban legends now. She wasn’t even a mythological being, and yet she was still somehow under that same spell. Perhaps it had a way of messing with anyone that wasn’t a mortal.

“I’m flattered, but I’m not interested in a date.”

“That’s great because I said marriage.” She gave me a smile, her grey lifeless eyes peering at me through her dark strands of hair.

“Marriage is even more out of the picture. You seem nice, but I just can’t commit to a lover. I’m far too busy for it. Maybe in a month or so.”

“I will return in a month, then.” With that, she walked away from my door, going up to a few pedestrians on the sidewalk, asking them if they thought she was beautiful.

I wondered if I should contact the cops or maybe a priest. Eh, that would cause more problems for me. Instead, I elected to just lock the door and close the blinds. If I couldn’t see what happened, I could remain happily ignorant. I slumped back onto the couch, jumping when I felt a hard object poke my back. “Fuck! Not another demon.” I turned, only to see a VHS sitting on the cushion with a white piece of sticky tape over the front with the words. ‘My confession’ written on it. “Who even uses a VHS anymore?” I tossed the tape aside, tying to relax without being harassed by some form of mythological being or supernatural entity.

I tapped the power button on my remote, only for the screen to remain blank. I gave the power button another hit, only to be met with the same blank screen. After a few more attempts, I walked over to the television, smacking the top of it, until I heard a loud scream.

“AHHHHH, WHY IS EVERYTHING SHAKING? I KNEW I SHOULD’T HAVE SLEPT HERE.”

The high-pitched voice was coming from the tv or at least that’s what I had initially thought. When I crouched down to check the screen, I noticed that the whole back of my television had been removed, leaving only a dark screen that had a small fairy sitting behind it. She looked up at me and waved.

“If you’re here to ask for my hand in marriage, I’m not interested.” I said, expecting to have the same conversation as before.

“Why would I want that?”

“Wait, you don’t?”

“You’re a human, and not even an attractive one at that. Why would I want to marry you?”

“This isn’t some sort of reverse psychology, is it? If it is, it’s not going to work.”

“Jeez, you humans have enormous egos. Do you mind?”

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.” She gave me a glare as I went back to the couch, plopping back down onto a cushion before remembering whose house it was. I sprang back up and tossed the remote at the screen, creating a loud bang that made her scream out again.

“What do you mean, do you mind? It’s my house. What did you do to my tv?”

“Oh, this? Well, there was some creepy guy staring at me through the tv so I thought I would unplug it, but plugs are kind of heavy so I just threw a gust of wind at it instead. I think I might have broken the back of it? It’s pretty cozy though. I had an amazing nap. Did you want a turn?”

“How would I nap in it?”

“Maybe curl into a ball?”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I’m an idiot? Your father was right about you. You are ungrateful.”

“Ungrateful for what? Getting my house broken into?”

“For my assistance in helping with your problem.”

“Wait, you know my dad? That same dad that left me on the front door of an ice-cream shop when I was just a baby?”

“Kids love ice cream. He just assumed you would figure it out.”

“I wasn’t even a year old.”

“Show some independence. I left home after a week, and you don’t see me crying about it. You could have easily gotten a job and raised yourself, but instead you just cried on that doorstep until some old man had to adopt you. It’s pathetic.”

“You’re not the brightest fairy, are you?”

“How dare you?” Her wings fluttered as she flew towards my face, delivering a tiny swinging kick to my nose. One that didn’t exactly hurt, but certainly stunned me into silence.

“I may not understand humans that well, but I’m still a fairy with centuries of experience. Sure, maybe I only got given this role because I kept sleeping on the job, but that doesn’t mean you can disrespect me. I’m still a fairy.” I went to respond, only to notice the fairies’ eyes were watering. To avoid creating a scene, I let her have that.

“Fine, sorry. Look, who even is my dad? Are you saying I’m part mythological being?”

“It’s complicated. Do you know what a bastard is?”

“I don’t like where this is going, but yes.”

“Well, that’s the answer.”

“But that doesn’t explain anything.”

She sighed, acting as though I was the one being painful. She sat on the edge of the television, contemplating the best way to explain the current set of circumstances.

“Ok, so. Sometimes angels and demons fall in love. When they do, they can create a bastard child. Technically, a bastard is a child born out of an unholy union. Mortals think that means a child born out of marriage, but it actually means one born between heaven and hell. One of those strange misunderstandings that got passed down through history. So, your mom’s a demon and your dad’s an angel.”

“And my dad cursed me to be attractive to things?”

“Ah, that’s the funny part.” She said, acting as if I found any of this funny. “Your dad made it so creatures and other mythological beings would want to take care of you. But your mother did the same thing, so technically the spell got amplified, so instead of creatures just wanting to help you out, they wanted to adopt you. Well, at first, they wanted to adopt you, now they just send you creepy love letters.”

“Great, so both my parents were hopeless. Do I at least get any cool powers?”

“About that. If you were the child of two angels or two demons, you would. But being a child of both kind of cancels it out. Demonic blood doesn’t work with angel blood, so it just makes you the plainest person around. Somehow, you’re even more average than the average human.”

“Aw, damn. So, are you going to remove the curse or spell?”

“I guess a curse is probably the best way to describe it. I totally am going to remove it. We just need to get you married, and I’m here to help you find your perfect match.”

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Not at all. Once you’re safe and married, the curse will be broken, and you can go about your normal life. Well, you can’t because you will be married to someone. So, I guess you will go about your new life? It’s still a slight upgrade, right?”

“I don’t have much of a choice. Guess It’s better than constantly dealing with this. I’m Jacob, by the way.”

“I already knew that. I’m Tiva or Tiv for short.”

I didn’t know if she really needed to shorten that, but I wasn’t about to have that conversation with her. As I went to finally relax, I heard sirens outside. At first, I thought little of it, only to realize what must have happened.

“That’s noisy. I’m going to go see what’s happening.” Before she could fly off, I placed a hand in front of her, blocking her flight path.

“I wouldn’t…”

“Hm? Alright. I guess we should get started. Don’t worry, with me by your side, you will find the ideal lover. Even if you’re thirty.” With that, she summoned a book of potential suitors, going through some options with me, while I just accepted my fate, listening to what she had to say.

*****

THE END