Objection

[WP] You rush into a church to stop the love of your life from marrying the wrong person. Not paying attention, you shout "I OBJECT" only to realize it's a funeral. The deceased immediately rises in perfect health. All eyes turn to you.

*****

“I object! I still love you, Sarah. If I can’t win you over with my words, I’ll do it in song. I thought love was only true in fairy tales-“

Everyone was dead silent, not exactly the reaction I expected from my declaration of love. Usually, this sort of thing is met with praise in movies, so why is everyone so quiet? I stopped my singing, looking over the room. At least they were looking my way, but why didn’t I recognize anyone? Surely Sarah’s parents would have at least shown up for this? Then I felt a hand pat my side.

“You’re in love with my grandma? Gross!” The little boy shouted, still holding his Gameboy in one hand. The death of his grandmother was not enough to stop his goal of being the best Pokémon trainer out there.

“What, no? Why would I love your dead grandma? I’m looking for Sarah. She’s my girl… ex-girlfriend.”

The boy pointed his Gameboy to the front of the church. I followed his hand, only to see a coffin and the stares of angry family members. I began backing towards the door only to stop when the coffin lid shook and was soon shoved aside, allowing the older grey-haired woman to sit up, staring back at the room of people, confused.

“What are you all staring at? Can’t I sleep for five minutes without someone making a big deal?”

“Mom? You’re alive. It’s a miracle.” Soon they were all surrounding her, each unable to comprehend the miracle they had seen. I still stood there, wondering if this was some elaborate prank. Maybe my ex had set this up to get back at me for all those bad dates?

The only person who didn’t seem happy was the priest. The bald old man hugging his cross to his chest with one hand while throwing holy water at the old woman with his other. “Begone demon, begone from this heavenly place. Return to the pits you came from.” His sprinkles of holy water did nothing, only agitating the older woman, who was still furious about being woken up.

“If you sprinkle that on me one more time, I’ll put you in this coffin.” Her threats were enough to get the man to stop, allowing the family to celebrate in peace.

“Um, hey, kid. Was she actually dead, or is this a joke?”

“Hm? I think she was. She was pretty pale when I saw her. She even smelt worse than she usually does.”

“What was that?” The old woman called out, only for the boy to point my way.

“He said it.”

“Did not.”

“He also said you’re ugly and stupid.”

“Shut up.”

“Don’t tell my grandson to shut up.”

After all their tears of joy and cuddling, they came over to me, some wanting to shake my hand while others asked if I would come to their funeral when they died. They seemed to think I had some sort of magical touch, but honestly, I didn’t even know what I did.

“Please, if you need something for your services, feel free to ask of us.” Her son asked, the man nearly about to break into tears again.

“Ok, empty your wallets.”

“Pardon?”

“Empty your wallets. I want everything you have.”

He gave me a perplexed look before reluctantly getting out of his wallet. I made this a little easier for everyone, grabbing a church collection plate as I went around, gathering whatever money they had. Once they had given me their cash, I gave a bow and headed outside, ready to continue with my day. Sure, I hadn’t won over my ex, but I made enough money that I didn’t care about that anymore. As I pushed open the doors, a man was waiting outside. His features were hidden under a dark robe as he tapped the end of his scythe against the dirt.

“You got some nerve objecting to a death. It’s been a while since a human has been foolish enough to challenge the reaper. So, any last words?”

He removed the hood of his robe, his empty eye sockets making it hard to tell where he was looking. His skull didn’t appear to be in the best condition, having a small crack along the right of his forehead. When he approached me, I backed towards the church before calling out.

“Everyone come quick, your great-great-grandfather is here.” And just like that, the church doors swung open, and the reaper vanished, avoiding the crowd of people as they frantically searched for their relative. When they looked my way, I gave a sad sigh. “Aww, you just missed him.”

Ok, now I just needed to run from the reaper. Where do people go to hide from death? Monaco? That could work. Now, how do I get there? I looked at my collection plate, wondering if I had enough money to start a new life. As I got into my car, I adjusted the rearview mirror, only to see his skeletal face in it.

“Did you think you could seriously hide from death?”

“Please, don’t kill me. I didn’t even mean to do it. Come on, can’t we make a deal?”

“A deal, you say. Fine, I have something you could help me with. How good are you with relationships?”

“Um, I’m flattered, but I’m not interested.”

“That isn’t what I meant, you idiot. I recently broke up with Mother Earth. She blames me for the extinction of the Tasmanian tiger. How was I meant to prevent that? I’m just Death. If she has a problem with that, she needs to speak to God. You get what I mean, right? Right?”

After that first right, he had his scythe to my neck, making it impossible for me to give a proper response, so instead, I let out a wheeze of approval.

He removed the scythe, allowing me a chance to speak. “Yeah, I get what you mean.. Totally… But couldn’t you have just not collected their souls?”

“You sound just like her. Couldn’t she have just given them more life? We have jobs and sometimes they clash with one another. Look, just help me win her back over and we can pretend this never happened. You can handle that, can’t you?”

“Oh, sure, I’m great with relationships. I always dump them; they never sleep with my best friend Dave and then dump me. No, never.”

“Oh? Well, that’s good then. Ok, so what’s your first piece of advice to get her back?”

“Ok, have you ever heard of the song I’m a believer?”

“No?”

“Ok, then that’s the first thing I need to teach you. Once you know that song, it will be easy.”

Just like that, I had gone from planning to crash a wedding to resurrecting a dead old woman and becoming a wingman for the grim reaper. I just had to hope I could help smooth over this relationship. If not, it might be my funeral next, and I doubt anyone would object to that.

*****

THE END.