Ikea Maze

[WP] your sense of direction has always been bad, to the point of being a running joke among your friends, but after 28 hours of stumbling through an IKEA store you realize that it isn't your navigation skills that are preventing you from finding the exit...

*****

I didn't realize something was wrong until I looked at the time. It had to be a mistake. According to my phone, I had been in the store for more than a day.

That couldn't be true, though. I remembered eating a few meatballs, and even taking a nap on a display couch, but, if I had been in here for that long, surely someone would've kicked me out by now, right?

I quickly realized that I hadn't seen an employee for a while. Or anyone else, now that I thought about it. For some reason, that sent a shiver down my spine.

All I wanted was a damn bookshelf. So many were available that I couldn't decide which was the best. I went through many displays, row after row of slightly different models, almost like an endless sea of furniture that always made me second guess my decision. I just couldn't make up my mind. At a certain point, I stopped caring about the bookshelf and only wanted to go home.

And then the true terror sank in.

After miles of walking, no matter which way I went, I always ended up at the same place. This had to be an elaborate prank. I knew this store wasn't that big on the outside. The GPS on my phone wasn't precise enough to lead me out. It just said I was in my local Ikea like I hadn't moved at all.

Was I losing my mind?

I needed to rest again. My legs were too sore from all the walking. I didn't even know how long I'd been inside since my phone's battery had been depleted.

"Hey buddy!" shouted an old man. "You feeling alright?"

I blinked a few times. It wasn't an illusion. The old man had wispy thin hair and an unkempt beard, wearing a strange leather toga as clothing.

"Y-you're a person?"

"Yup!" said the old man. "You must be new here."

I nodded. "Please, you gotta help me. I can't find a way out."

The old man cackled loudly.

I flinched back.

"A way out!" The old man continued wheezing with laughter. "Hilarious! You really are a newbie, aren't you?"

"I'm sorry but... what's so funny?"

The old man put a gentle hand on my shoulder. "There is no need to fret anymore. You have been chosen, brother. Come. Let me introduce you to the tribe."

I squinted. "Tribe?"

The old man led me to a section of the store where dozens of people were gathered. They all wore the same type of toga, which I now realized they created by stripping the leather off different couches. To my horror, there were children and pregnant women among them, meaning they had been in here for quite some time.

A fire pit roared in the middle, using furniture as fuel. They also had bows and arrows fashioned out of other materials in the store. Why did they need those?

"What... is this place?" I mumbled.

"Your new home!"

"Wait, that can't be true. I didn't want any of this!"

"That's out of your hands, sweet outside child. You don't get to choose. That's the point. You see, the store chooses for you. There's no need to worry about picking the best option anymore. Everything here is ours!"

I widened my eyes. "You're nuts."

"No, we're alive!"

"This is impossible! How the hell are you even feeding yourselves?"

"The store guides us to a cafeteria whenever we need it. I've been eating meatballs every day for over thirty years!"

"Oh god..."

"God?" The old man let out a chuckle. "There is no god here." He widened his eyes with manic admiration. "Only Ikea!"

I paused for a second. "No... No! This is wrong!" I gestured at the entire tribe. "You can't just stay here for the rest of your lives! This place is evil! There is so much more to life than average furniture! Come on! If we all work together, we can find an exit!"

The entire tribe stayed quiet.

Did it work?

"Heretic!" shouted the old man.

The rest of the tribe aimed their bows at me.

Shit.

I ran away screaming. This had to be a nightmare. All my life, people have made fun of my sense of direction. It was always so hard to pick a direction and stick to it. Even now, I couldn't decide which way to go, weaving around the aisles and going through the displays.

Eventually, I hid under a bed, letting the tribe people run past it. I stayed there for a few hours, fearing they would find me.

Everything grew quiet. I poked my head out, seeing no one was around, then crawled out of the bed and kept walking through the store. Giving up wasn't an option. Any progress was better than no progress at all.

At least, that's what I thought until ending up in the bookshelf section. The same place where this madness started.

I couldn't help but fall to my knees and start crying. This wasn't fair. I just wanted to furnish my new apartment. Now I wouldn't get to live in it at all.

"There he is!" shouted the old man.

A mob of tribespeople ran behind him.

I almost wanted them to kill me, just to end my suffering.

Almost.

I picked the first packaged bookshelf I saw and used it as a shield for their arrows. I wasn't going to die here! I wanted to live, damn it!

I started running in one direction without looking back.

"You're making a horrible mistake!" shouted the old man. "This place is a utopia! Why do you reject perfection?!?"

I didn't bother answering back. They were too far gone. I was starting to run out of breath when I finally saw a beautiful sight.

Natural light.

It was the front of the store.

All the tribespeople stopped in their tracks, gaping their mouths and widening their eyes.

I turned to face them. "Join me! You can choose a better life out of this hell!"

The tribe shared confused glances with each other.

"Don't listen!" said the old man. "Think! If we leave, we won't have our community anymore. The bonds we made, the meatballs we ate. Are they not what truly matters in this world? If we leave the Ikea, we'll have to..." He shivered. "...furnish our homes. We'll have to decide what to eat, and when to eat it. We'll even have to pick different clothes every day! Why do we need that pressure? Aren't we happy here?"

To my surprise, they all nodded in agreement and slowly shuffled away. I couldn't believe it. Was I the crazy one for wanting to leave?

Fuck no.

As I made it to the check-out counter, all of the employees started clapping. It made me a little afraid, but they seemed genuinely happy for me. Once I reached the register and placed the bookshelf, the employee cheerfully said:

"Congratulations! You're the first to make it out in a decade!"

I squinted. "This... this is insane! You have an entire civilization back there!"

The employee shrugged. "Some people just can't make up their minds."

"How is this even profitable?!? This place should be bankrupt by now!"

"We sell a lot of meatballs."

I rolled my eyes. "Figures."

"Did you find everything you were looking for?"

"Yes!" I shouted. "Let me go home!"

From then on, I would do all my shopping online, and pick the first thing I saw.

*****

THE END.