Futuristic Aid

[WP] A group of heroes finds a magical suit of armor possessed by an all-knowing spirit during their adventure. In reality, it's a suit of power armor with an A.I. that's REALLY confused about where it's ended up.

*****

"WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!" the dwarf shouted.

"Well, I thought that piece of black silk would make a nice sash! I didn't expect it to explode!"

"SILK? YOU... YOU... UGH! It's like you don't have any brains in that skull of yours! I told you not to touch anything until I had the chance to check it!"

A trio of treasure hunters stood in shock at the cacophony as the sheet of fabric burst. They had taken an unconventional approach to a classic problem: how to separate a dragon from its hoard. The normal approach would be to slay the dragon, then retrieve the loot. However, reasoning that the hoard was likely to contain powerful magic items that could be useful for slaying dragons, they decided to flip the order. It took months of prep work, but the wizard was able to magically seal the mouth of the cave while the dragon was out hunting. They weren't sure how long it would take it to dig a new entrance, but they figured at least a few hours.

"Fine, genius, what was that? A Cloth of Combustion? The silk of Shattering? Don't think we haven't noticed these weird names you come up with are just descriptions of what they do. You're probably just making stuff up!" the elf shot back.

"First off, I read more about the arcane in a single day as an apprentice than you will read at all in your entire life! Secondly, that's a Well of Many Worlds! Or at least, it was before your Dagger of Returning sliced it up!"

"There you go again, saying that like it's meaningful! I could practically hear the capitalization. 'Dagger of Returning' my ass! If I throw this rock at your head, does that make it a 'Stone of Smashing', you pompous prick?!"

"Uh, guys, what's that purple thing?" the human interrupted. "It hurts to look at it."

"A hole in the world from that VERY VALUABLE magic item being destroyed," the wizard said, scowling at the elf. "Don't worry about it too much, it's like digging in the sand. It'll fill back in on its own soon enough. Just don't touch it, you might get sucked in."

The three jumped as a clattering noise filled the cavern. The rift shrank to nothing with a sucking hiss, leaving behind a segmented carapace the size and shape of an adult human.

"What is that, some kind of armor?" the rogue asked.

The dwarf cautiously poked it with his staff. "Looks like it. It doesn't have any sort of magical aura. Strange craftsmanship, though. It's not made of metal, maybe some sort of cast resin? Or maybe a strange kind of baked clay?"

"Well, since I'm the only one who wears armor, I guess this one's mine!" the human said, picking up the helmet.

"It'll make a nice discussion piece once we get everything carted back to town, but I don't think you'll want to wear that against the dragon. It doesn't even have eye holes in the helmet, just some sort of dark crystals." the elf observed.

The warrior lowered the helmet onto his head. "The inside is made of some kind of glass." A tone came from the helmet, starting as a low hum and raising to a shrill note before cutting off.

"<NEW USER DETECTED>"

"I thought you said that armor wasn't magic?!" The elf whirled to face the wizard. "It's not, I'd stake my staff on it. Must be haunted." "Isn't that still magic?" "No, it's life energy. Completely different. There's a reason those priests from that one temple don't cast spells and wizards only punch people when they're drunk."

"Uh, guys, I think it's fine. I'm still here. And I can see stuff! It's even better than looking with my own eyes! Is this what being able to see in the dark is like?"

"<PRIMARY POWER SOURCE NOT DETECTED. PLEASE CONNECT CENTRAL CHASSIS>"

"What's the ghost talking about?" the rogue asked the wizard. "I'm not sure, I think a chassis is some kind of box or case?"

"It wants me to put on the rest of the armor."

"Oh? And how would you know?"

"Because it's got a flashing picture in the corner of my eye. It's the outline of the armor, and the helmet is solid. So I'm guessing it needs the rest of the parts." The human started putting on the breastplate.

"<PRIMARY POWER SOURCE DETECTED. RUNNING DIAGNOSTIC, PLEASE WAIT.>"

"Yep, it wanted the rest of the armor. That outline is still blinking, but the torso is solid too now. Wonder what that spinning wheel in the other corner means?"

"I... have no idea. I told you we should have brought a cleric, they'd be the ones to ask about ghosts. But nooooooo, that'd be another person to share the treasure with, as if any of us could tell the difference between a third of this treasure and a quarter of it!"

As the warrior finished putting on the armor, it let out a sudden hissing sound.

"Oh great, it's turning him into a snake-man!" the elf shouted, starting to draw his sword. "No, no, I'm fine. It's got some sort of air sacks in here, they just puffed up. This feels a lot better now, it was kind of loose and rattle-y before."

"Are you sure you're fine?" the wizard asked. "Yeah, this is great! We just have the one crappy lantern for light, but I can count every hair in your beard! I can hear a mouse scurrying around in the corner!" "Well, as long as that ghost is friendly, I guess it's fine. I'll get back to identifying items."

The helmet beeped. "<DIAGNOSTICS COMPLETE. ZERO MAJOR ERRORS WERE FOUND. ZERO INTERMEDIATE ERRORS WERE FOUND. ONE MINOR ERROR WAS FOUND: THE SATNAV SIGNAL WAS NOT DETECTED. WHAT IS THE CURRENT LOCATION?>"

"We're in the cave of Gz'pa-Chou the frost wyrm, a few leagues away from the free city of Tohmay."

"<LOCATION UNKNOWN. WHAT CONTINENT IS TOHMAY ON? PLEASE INDICATE ANY NEARBY OCEANS OR MOUNTAIN RANGES IF KNOWN.>"

"It's on Allium, near the Acetum Mountains." "<LOCATION UNKNOWN. PLEASE INDICATE THE PLANET IF KNOWN.>" "Sorry, the planet? Like the stars that don't twinkle and wander around the firmament?"

A corner of the ceiling abruptly caved in and frigid air filled the cavern. "I think the time's up! Did you find anything useful?" the elf asked the dwarf. "No, nothing. Looks like we're doing this the hard way." The wizard began preparing a spell.

"<HOSTILE LIFE-FORM DETECTED. ACTIVATE WEAPONS YES/NO?>"

"Wait, you have weapons too? What do you have?"

"<PRIMARY WEAPONS ARE 40W PHASED PLASMA RIFLE AND TREBUCHET MICRO MISSILES. SECONDARY WEAPONS ARE ->"

"You have a trebuchet in here? Shoot it! Shoot it!"

A streak of light burst from behind the shoulder of the armor. A significantly larger portion of the ceiling caved in, along with the rear half of the dragon. The front was nowhere to be seen.

"What kind of trebuchet was that?!"

"<TREBUCHET MICRO MISSILES: NEXT-GENERATION MAN-PORTABLE SURFACE-TO-AIR MISSILES EQUIPPED WITH A CATEGORY 5 ANTIMATTER WARHEAD. MANUFACTURED BY TANAKA-BERGMAN WEAPONS SYSTEMS LTD.>"

"Well, uh, good job ghost? Thank you for the help."

"<MY PLEASURE>"

*****

THE END