Fck NO

Warning: Profanity is used in this piece

[WP] Your power is “fuck no”. Every time you sense danger of any kind nearby you yell fuck no! And bail. You have suevived serial killers, cults, even terrorist attacks. This morning you wake up yelling fuck no Every 2 minutes without fail.

*****

“Fuck nooo-ughhhh.” A loud yawn followed the swear as Tim stretched his arms out, giving his alarm clock a rather hard smack. Turning the church bell chime, it emitted into a static mess as it collided with his carpet. “That’s weird. Isn’t it a little early for danger? What sort of person tries to murder someone before 7am? Isn’t that against some sort of law?”

Tim grumbled to himself about the legality of early morning murder, slipping on his bunny slippers as he went to retrieve his dressing gown from his wardrobe. As soon as his hands touched the wooden wardrobe, he shouted another “FUCK NO.” before hastily turning away from it, proceeding to his kitchen with his body feeling rather icy.

“In the wardrobe? REALLY? Have some originality. What are you wearing, a hockey mask too? Stupid Hollywood wannabe. Don’t just copy everything you see on T.V, be unique.” A thud was heard in the wardrobe as if someone wearing a very heavy hockey mask had just lowered their head in shame. The serial killer not even feeling motivated to murder him anymore, instead their mind was filled with trips away to some tropical island to find themselves again.

In the kitchen, Tim shook his box of high sugar, low health, crunchy rainbow dragon cereal. “FUCK NO.” He said, only this time the swear wasn’t because of the threat of danger but the fact that they hadn’t packed the supposedly guaranteed toy that came with every box of cereal. Tim had been trying to collect the rainbow dragon set, and this was rather disturbing to him, even more disturbing than the self-pitying serial killer still standing in his wardrobe.

With a heavy heart he poured his milk and cereal, staring at the multicolored dragons marshmallows that were hungrily sucking up the milk and expanding, growing to their full sugary capacity. He let out a sigh, wondering what the point of cereal was without a toy. Before he could eat, he had to stop and watch the serial killer walk sheepishly out of his home, the killer not turning to look at their potential victim.

“Bye.” Tim said, giving a wave with his spoon.

The killer just mumbled something under his mask as he headed out. Tim scooped up a few dragons, ready to devour the beasts before dropping his spoon. “FUCK NO.” His stomach growled after the swear as he got up and tossed the food into the bin. “Ok, who poisoned my cereal? Did you also take my toy? I want that back.” No answer came. The assassin had left long ago, taking with him the rare blue dragon that Tim needed.

Tim waited for an answer before giving up. He had to wonder why he was such a target for these weirdoes. Yes, he had an amazing ability, but it wasn’t like he had any ambitions of using his powers for good. He just wanted a simple life working an office job and collecting cheap cereal box toys. It was as if his ability just attracted danger.

He decided he would just grab some breakfast from the vending machine at work today, about to go get dressed, only to hear a knock on the door. “FUCK NO.” Usually, he would have avoided the door, but his frustrations were getting the better of him. He opened the door, staring at the old, robed man standing behind it. The man had a few curly stray hairs attracted to his wrinkled face. His grey eyes remained locked on Tim as he raised a bent finger.

“You are the one we need for our blood sacrifice. Your blood will gift us with the power of foresight. We will become sons and daughters of the goddess Aliva.“ He reached into his robe, pulling out a gun, only for Tim to tap the edge of his doorway, gaining the man’s attention.

“Ok, there’s certainly a law against this. You aren’t allowed to start door knocking for your religion until at least 8am. It’s still too early, you will have to come back later.”

“Excuse me?” The man placed the gun back into his robe, expecting screaming, not such a levelheaded response.

“Yeah, we had a lot of trouble with door knocking and early morning construction, so now there are laws to say it can’t be done until 8am. So you can’t operate a chainsaw until 8am and you can’t collect me and drain me for blood until 8am either.”

“But… Lady Aliva said we should come and get you.”

“Yes, you can come and get me in the designated time period. Between 8am and 6pm. Even cults have to operate at normal times, or do you want to displease your goddess by getting a fine?”

The man looked inside his robes, then at Tim, considering his options. He had never heard of such a law, but the last thing the cult needed was police kicking in their doors before they could drain his blood. “FINE, we will return at the recommend time. If you are not here, we will leave a card and schedule another time.”

Tim watched the man leave, making a mental note to work late shifts this week. The cult would eventually lose interest, like the others had. When the old man got into his green and red van, Tim shut the door.

“What a morning.” He said to himself as he began dressing for work, hoping the day wouldn’t be as chaotic as his morning had been.

*****

THE END