Exhausted!

Tired.

Exhausted.

Out of gas.

That's three different ways of explaining my current state of mind and being right now. I feel like I'm being squeezed hard and wrung out for all I'm worth, by things I committed to myself.

School, friendships, and all of that. It gets to you.

We just ended a session a little over two weeks ago - the irregular schedule was due to the pandemic keeping most public university students in their homes for all those months, up until January this year. As such, within six to seven months, we finished two semesters' worth of work and even had two grueling exams after each semester.

And where does that leave a student like me? Tired. Oh, and depressed.

These exams contribute to my final score and overall fate in my first professional examinations this year. Oh, and if you're not aware yet, I'm a Medical Student, so you should have a general idea of how big this is for me.

Honestly, these last two semesters were nothing but a blur. I can't even begin to process the emotional roller-coaster I've been through, and it is just a slice of the sh!tty pie that my life is right now.

The pressure from within myself not to fail, as this could determine my future and success in life.

The pressure from peers - they don't really say much, but then who would want to be left behind by their colleagues? People with who you started this journey will leave you behind, and then you have to reintegrate with the class below you as you repeat a year. Worse still, if you fail too badly, you might just be forced to leave the program entirely.

And then there are your parents. The guys who pay your tuition fees, accommodation fees, and everything needed in order for you to survive in the cruel school environment. Of course, they try their best to provide emotional support, but then that can tend to look counterproductive, especially since they want the best for AND from you.

You owe them success just as much as you owe it to yourself, don't you see? So even when, or IF AT ALL, they say 'no pressure, there's pressure. Loads of it, on you.

And then you could say that you don't really care about any of these people, and you don't let their expectations or opinions run your life, but you can't tell yourself that lie long enough. Nobody likes to associate themselves with failure, and even if your friends try to stay with you initially, they'll soon have to move on, with your own lives.

Now I understand what Dave meant when he named his album, "We're All Alone In This Together". That's truly the case in this harsh environment. No matter how many friends you have, all the acquaintances you keep, and all the social circles and clubs and units you're involved in...

You're Alone.

You're surrounded by people, yet you're alone. Because they all have their burdens to bear, and their crosses to carry, as do you. It would only be selfish to want them to focus on your own problems while theirs continue to stab them.

So in essence, what's this post for? To motivate you? Nope. I don't even have enough positive energy to keep me running, not to talk of sharing it around.

So it's to make you feel depressed and feel like an underachiever then? No. I'm not that much of a wicked soul. I'm just ranting. Blowing off steam. Screaming into my online pillow and letting all the emotions out. It is okay to do that, isn't it?

Our bodies are remarkably frail, so there's only so much we can handle. I may smile and act like it's all okay but in the end...

I'm exhausted!