Destination: H3ll

[WP] Hell is full, but that doesn't mean you're free. Take a number and sit down. You'll suffer when you're called.

******

I wanted to whistle.

Not that I was overcome by a sudden urge to anyway, but that whistling was the only option to take at the moment. In the cartoons, in the movies, foot taps and whistles always helped break the ice - and even if they didn't, at least they dispelled the uncomfortable silence.

Well, tapping my foot on the ground was out of the question since molten magma was flowing all over the place, but I got the concept. Hell.

Who would have thought that snatching candy from a baby was such a grave offense? I mean, God had to have added a margin of error for these things, there should have been, I don't know, probation or something. A one-week tryst in purgatory (which I was surprised to find out did not actually exist) or a few lashes of a whip. Something. Anything.

Instead, I was sent to hell, heavy chains and fetters and all.

The receptionist, or whatever she was, gazed upon me with an amused smirk. To me, there was nothing more amusing than a demon wearing glasses, a black long-sleeved shirt, and a high-waist skirt. I sniggered.

"Might I ask what is funny?" she said matter-of-factly.

"Here I was, expecting here to be full of naked demons or at least scary demons wearing rags and stuff. And you look like an Apple tech support from Hell, or some character from Futanari hentai videos. Horns, the outfit, glasses, schoolgirl shoes with heels - is it me, or is hell the biggest circus ever?"

"Ah...Rick Atkins."

"Y-you know my name?"

"Moderator of an offensive memes subreddit. Sarcasm genius extraordinaire. Occasional sadist. Sexist. Baby Candy snatcher. You have quite the record, I must say. You sure did give us a hell of a surprise from here."

"My reputation precedes me," I said. "How quaint."

They were gonna roast my ass here.

"Sadly, you came...late. We would have loved to watch you rot away in angst, anguish, and sorrow down at the deepest circle of hell, but then, we have no vacancies. Hell is full,"

"Haha," I laughed. "Good one. Let me guess, Jesus told it to you in the 2nd Grade?"

"Oh,` I would love to see that prim mouth of yours open in screams of pure pain. But then, I'm not joking. We have filled up our quarters, and we can no longer afford to buy more...space from Heaven. For now. You're stuck in Limbo - the waiting room."

"Let me get this straight? Hell is a place and has a fixed area size?"

"Wow, your brain finally caught on."

"Your number is C1110953. When the mortgage agreement is brokered and we can get more space, you'll be summoned to suffer for eternity. At least your lucky, you get a few extra...hours, days, weeks, or even months to enjoy a slight bit of normalcy."

"I'm hungry."

"Such desires cannot be attended to either. This is the place of suffering."

"You do look good enough to eat..."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her pointed tail whip around and impale my thigh. The pain was excruciating, and my thigh burned white-hot. But when she took it out, everything was back to normal.

"Understand that I cannot deal you any long-lasting damage here, but I can torture you a bit, human. As much as I'd like to take you up on that offer, you really, really don't want lust to be added to your record."

With a snap of her fingers, I was teleported to my seat. The place where I sat at the moment, trying to whistle and ignore the looks of everyone.

"Heh, trying to sin whilst on the waiting list. You're a cocky one." a masculine voice with an annoying English accent said next to me.

Turning, I met the cold gaze of a man in a blood-stained coat.

"And you are?" I asked, closing my eyes.

"Jack."

I stirred. "The..."

"...Ripper? A crude means of identification, but yes, that's me. In the flesh. Or not in the flesh, dare I say."

"Woah..it's an honor to meet you, especially since some of my memes were based on your actions. Why are you covered in blood?"

"Memes? What are these 'memes' you speak of?"

"Funny pictures."

"Oh? Well, I was in the middle of one of my stabbings when I had an aneurysm. Luckily, my body fell into the Thames while I died, so no one ever really knew what happened to the old chap, Jack. How was crime before you died?"

"Heh, more or less like yours, except on a large scale. Better weapons. Morepsychopaths. More access to guns."

"Ah. My dream paradise. Too bad I was born too early, where men were forced to wear clothes so thick, my knives bent a little when I stabbed."

"Ha!" I said as we burst into a fit of laughter.

"How are you still here?"

"I've been avoiding them since I came here. Switching numbers with unsuspecting condemned bastards like you and I. Although, I've finally accepted that this is futile. Sooner or later, they'll get fed up with my tomfoolery."

"Ah, I hear ya," a female voice said next to me, and I turned to face the owner. "Lizzy...Borden?"

"Y-you know me?" she asked, hugging herself in her dirty, furry sweater.

"Lizzy Borden took an ax,

And face her mother forty whacks.

And when she saw what she had done,

She gave her father forty-one." I sang.

"Ah...that," she said, looking on dejectedly.

"You were my hero back when I read about you. I did feel like killing my parents, a few times anyway. My mother actually, there were about five men that could have been my father, I don't know which one," I said, trying to bite down the animosity I still held towards 'Mom'.

"Well, I guess it was the thrill of the moment. I regret that sh!t now. My life's f"cked."

"Remorse is a mofo. Never forget it. Say it each time you get up from bed so it resonates in your head. You did sh!t, you get what you paid for. Suck it up," I said, looking around.

I could see a few familiar faces - Stalin, Hitler...Oh, was that...Mao? I had to see him...

"Attention you condemned souls. An agreement has been reached and you shall all be warped into your appropriate circles immediately. Standby."

As my body began to fade and I began to feel the heat from the other side, I wondered what it would really feel like to sleep with a demon.

******

@Leo_kitti, @Hanzell, @gertu13,@Gwenie welcome to the stranger things.