Anxious

Afraid felt like a nice potential title for this piece, but I settled for 'Anxious' because it actually encompasses the feelings and emotions I'm passing through at this time, and then there's the fact that I hate the word 'fear' too. It should not be something confessed and admitted in one's life, at least in my opinion.

Anxiety is okay, as I just believe it's a normal, natural human reaction to the aggregate of situations around us and then the future which may not seem quite in our favor. But fear, fear is very negative and it breeds self-doubt, discouragement, failure, and giving up. I don't want to allow such thoughts to grow and fester within me by any means.

Anyway, that whole story and intro were just so we could clarify the reasons for my choice of title. Now, what's gotten me in such a state? You might ask. Well, it's been more or less confirmed that we're going to take our first professional examinations.s in November or early December of this year.

Yes, this year.

2021.

Two or three months from now.

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Where did all the time go? Where did the concern for the well-being of the students go? Where did the common sense that the pass rate is going to be relatively lower because they're pushing us into a frenzied overdrive on purpose go? I can't understand the logic behind this anymore, except for a blatant attempt to reduce our numbers drastically.

Will it work? Only time will tell. But as for me, even though I know that I won't fail - I am literally willing to do anything and everything to that effect - my work is cut out for me, and boy, do I feel like Atlas supporting the earth on my damn back? And yeah, the back that was giving me issues a few days ago.

It's all better now anyway. My back, that is.

The stress is really just beyond what it was last week. It's doubled, probably tripled, and my energy and ability remain at the same level. Right now, I know that I cannot achieve anything by myself and by my own power - it's really beyond me. I'm just putting my effort in and leaving the rest to God because... damn.

The weather has;t got any better since when I began this series. It's just as sh*tty and unpredictable as ever. For example, today was sunny as hell and the heat was downright sweltering. I walked under it for roughly 15 minutes, and my handkerchief was soaked after. I absolutely hate this weather, but then, what's a student without a car or one of those hand-held fan units gonna do?

:(

I think I need to start going to the gym and getting serious about working out. I know I've been out of shape for a while now - the pandemic really did terrible things to my physique, but now it's getting out of hand. I have to do something at this point, so I'll probably get a monthly subscription at a gym inside the school,

It costs $20 a day, which is quite affordable, so all I need is some commitment to the whole fitness journey and lifestyle. The biggest constraint to this would be the exams that are coming up - I barely have enough time for myself, but that's something that some major time management can fix. I'll admit that I have not been making very efficient use of my time, but oh well.

I haven't watched anime in a while now - there's justn0t enough time, damn it! In my current daily cycle, there's just not enough time for recreation and such activities. I literally get back from school and either sleep or chat with friends until when it's time to eat, read and then sleep.

Like, this is not the life I want to be living, but then it's a sacrifice. A painful one but one I have to make nonetheless. I don't even go out with friends - luckily the people in my clique aren't really big on going out these days - as they should. It's dangerous for the pocket and for the academics, both of which have long-lasting effects, especially when compared to a few hours of food, drinks, and banter.

I'm still watching the whole space though, I know the good stuff that's being released, I know what animes are popping currently, and I'm compiling that list for a dangerous amount of binge-watching when I'm finally free from the clutches of examinations.

What else is there to say? Oh yeah, then there's the topic of my cold, which is back now, albeit mildly. Apart from the terrible case of runny nose I had today - the bridge of my nose is now flamy hot and irritated due to a lot of vigorous wiping - I'm fine. But then I could really do without that all of that nonsense, so it'd be nice if the whole thing wore off. I could barely talk to people and maintain eye contact because my damn nose was running like a track star. Embarrassing to be honest.

Oh yeah, I just remembered that the weather will probably not get this memo and it will continue with its stupid antics that have caused this cold to continue. The struggle is real, ladies and gentlemen, but I will survive.

We all will. We move!

*****

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