Antagonist
[WP] You don't know how, or why, but since birth you knew you were given an antagonistic role in life. Every chance fate got, it made sure to remind you of your place. No good deed gets to anyone as intended, instead it filters through as an offense somehow. You still hope to break the pattern.
*****
Do one good deed a day and soon everyone will start to notice just how special you truly are.
Those words from my late mother still echoed in my mind as I passed through the bustling streets, tucking my hands into my sides so I didn’t hit anyone. At first, I thought I just had bad luck. No matter what I did, it always seemed to affect those around me negatively. If I tried to offer someone a snack, they would choke on it. If I tried to help someone up, I would end up dropping them and then they would blame me for whatever misfortune came because of my help. Well, everyone but mom. She never blamed me for it. Perhaps if she did, she would still be around.
It was only later in life that I realized that my life wasn’t just a case of bad luck, instead, I was a victim of fate. I was destined to be a troublemaker, the sort of person who lost at the end of the day. That face on the news that everyone sneers at and thanks whoever they believe in that their child didn’t end up like me. That was who I was, and I hated it.
“WATCH IT IDIOT, YOU NEARLY KNOCKED ME OVER.”
“Huh?”
“HUH? Is that all you have to say? No apology or nothing? I have a bad knee, you know; you could have caused me to fall and crack my head.”
I hadn’t even realized I bumped the man; too lost in my thoughts to even notice we had collided. I did my best to look small, tucking my chin into my neck as I mumbled a small apology to the man, hoping that would be enough to get him off my back.
“Speak up. If you’re going to apologize, do it right.”
I mumbled another apology, this time moving to step past him, only for my shoulder to catch the man throwing him onto his back. There was a gasp from the forming crowd as the man reached for his knee, letting out a howl of pain. I didn’t stop to help him, just keeping my head lowered as I walked towards the train station. I could feel the crowds’ stares following me, so I picked up the pace, wanting to avoid another confrontation.
Once I had created enough distance, I slipped back into the swarm of people heading to the station, hiding myself amongst them. I wiped my sweaty hands off onto my jacket as I got onto platform two. “Good. Made it with a few minutes to spare.” At least it wasn’t all bad. I hadn’t missed my train this time. I found a spot to lean against, pressing my back to the wall while waiting.
“Spare change, sir?” An older man asked, waving a half-filled can in my face. I listened to it jingle with the various loose change it had before reaching into my pocket. I knew it was a bad idea. Things like this always went bad for me, but what could I do? I wanted to make everyone notice how special I was, even if it killed me. I couldn’t let mom down, not after all she did for me.
I gave the man a nod as I fiddled with my pocket, searching for whatever change I had. As my fingers clawed at the fabric, I found my notes missing. Maybe I had put them in the other pocket? The man only scowled, jingling his can with more urgency, trying to hurry me along. My fingers dug deeper, eventually stumbling on a few pieces of lint and a decent sized coin. I opened my palm, showing the man my findings.
“That it? You made me wait for that?” Reluctantly, he held his can towards me, letting me drop the pitiful amount of change in. My fingers slipped, dropping the coins onto the ground before him. I went to pick them up, only for the loud horn of my train to sound as it pulled into the station.
“Um, sorry, can you pick them up?” I went to hurry past the man as he crouched before me. My leg bumping his elbow, spilling the contents of the can onto the ground. A few notes floated past my feet, landing underneath the train as I climbed aboard. My last sight before leaving the station was the man desperately trying to scoop the remains of his money into the can with the help of a few passersby. Hopefully, they would give some money to him and repay my debt to him. I would have given him some money when I returned as an apology, but with how today was going, I already knew that would only cause him more pain.
I didn’t take a seat, just gripping a metal pole as I waited for my stop. I knew better than to sit. Sitting always led to an awkward encounter where I would try to offer my seat to someone that needed it, only to make their life worse. Standing was safer, sure I might bump into someone or fall onto them, but it worked out better than the alternative.
Thankfully, fate had given me a break, perhaps satisfied it had already reminded me of my place enough times today. When the doors to my station arrived, I left as soon as I could, marching my way through the people crowding by the train’s door. It was a simple walk from the station, just a five-minute walk-through a nearby park until I arrived at the Nesting Hollows cemetery.
It was nice being out of the crowds. As depressing as it was to visit a cemetery, there was something nice about how empty it was. I felt like I could move without earning a glare or a harsh word from someone nearby. I felt free. Making my way past the graves until I arrived at the one I came to visit, crouching before it.
“Hey mom, I tried again today.” I gave her grave a smile, trying to wipe off some of the dried pieces of dirt that had stuck to it overtime. I wanted to tell her the truth, wanted to tell her just how awful everything was and yet, when I went to speak, I felt myself struggling to get the words out, so I sat in silence, just staring at the tombstone. Eventually, I felt my throat clear and could get out a few quick words.
“I made a lot of progress. It’s getting easier.” I lied. I didn’t know why I felt a need to lie. She wouldn’t hear my words; I could be as honest as I liked, and still something made me choke up at the thought of admitting the truth. “I think I’ll change my fate, just like you said I would. Soon everyone will see how special I am, and you will get to be proud. All your sacrifices will be worth it and Dad will regret ever leaving us.” It hurt to smile now. Sure, I could lie to her, but I couldn’t lie to myself.
When the tombstone wobbled, I stopped trying to wipe the dirt off, careful to avoid another mistake. “I should get going before I mess anything up. I would have bought flowers, but I heard the ones I bought last time made someone sick. Not sure how, but I don’t bother asking questions anymore. Love you mom, I’ll come back next week. Hopefully, with more good news.” I dusted my clothes off before returning to the station.
“Do one good deed a day and soon everyone will start to notice just how special you truly are.” I said to myself, preparing for the trip home, trying my best to keep my hopes alive of changing my fate.
*****
THE END
