Angry? Stressed? Or somewhere in between?

Been a while, hasn’t it?

I have been so caught up with writing my Skar series (just finished that yesterday) and all the stuff that’s been going on in my life, namely school and my relationships with people around me, to come here and rant. I would be lying if I said that everything was okay and I didn’t have anything to talk about all this while, because I have been through a real hurricane of experiences and emotions these past few weeks, all stuff that I was just managing to keep under wraps, even though my head was bursting at its seams.

It took an incident today to set off the chain reaction that led me to this platform. I can’t divulge any of the specifics, because most of it is private and I don’t want to put all that out, but the summary is that I had an argument with my roommate and we fell out. I’d say he was being quite inconsiderate and unreasonable and went straight to swearing at me while I was on the way back to the apartment after what was a long and hellish day at school since 8 AM this morning.

I wasn’t having any of that nonsense. I’ve been stressed all through September, the stress and physical, mental, and all-around strain increasing in intensity with every passing week, and today was the height of it. I exploded on the phone, and we still argued a lot when I came back. Right now, we aren’t on speaking terms and I’m having a headache. Even though I really couldn’t avoid this incident today, because he basically lit a sitting keg of gunpowder, I hate being angry.

I hate the burning feeling in my chest m=when I get angry at somebody, especially when it goes out of control and we exchange words. I hate how messed up my mental health is at this point, and how worse getting angry makes it become. I can’t even think clearly enough to type this, and I’ll have to deal with the awkwardness that’ll hang in the air between me and the guy who lives in my damn room for Christ’s sake. Like, how the hell am I supposed to handle that?

And normally, I’m used to apologizing first because I don’t like the general atmosphere of malice amongst people I am close to, but this time I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like being that guy. I feel like I am not getting enough respect from people because I do that, and they are beginning to see me as a pushover. At this point, it’s f**k him or whatever till the end of the semester when we can part ways without looking back. I honestly couldn’t care less at this point, if it means that I get to hold on to my sanity and respect.

Even though this might seem like a relatively serious event, it was just the last straw/ tip of the iceberg, because there’s even more serious stuff going on in my life now. Remember the professional exams that I was all about a few weeks ago? Yeah, my 2nd MBBS exams are slated for the first and second weeks of November this year…

…yeah, let that sink in…

AAARGHHHHH GODDAMN IT WFURWYFWDBFWIJDHFVBUWEBFIYWU TF IS THISSS??????

I am definitely unprepared. For sure, no doubt about it. And now I have to go into overdrive, trying to assimilate a lot of information and retain enough of it to be able to write essays on topics that could come from basically anywhere, so I have to be on my toes and read like I’ve never read before. This means that my sleep cycle is about to get really fugged up, and even though I’ve always been a night owl, right now I’ll have to divert all that effort into reading.

Technically, reading, studying, and passing is the main goal, and staying up all night watching YouTube videos on weird, unrelated topics isn’t, so let’s say I’m focusing on what is important, which is reading and forgetting the diversion, which is, well, binge-watching YouTube.

In terms of readiness, I’d have to say I’m in the 30-40% range. And that is not good at all when you consider I didn’t really have amazing test scores, which means that I need to do a lot of reading within the space of a month if I want to get up to where I need to be prepared why.

The exams consist of three parts. First is the theory and multichoice questions part. The multichoice part is self-explanatory, but the theory part is where things really get serious. Because there’s a lot of explaining to do, with questions ranging from describing a bone to explaining the mechanism of the knee jerk reflex. Drawing diagrams, explaining, and leaving no detail out – it’s all there.

Then there’s the practical, also known as steeplechase. Basically, for example, microscopes would be set up with different slides ready. We’d be given a few seconds per microscope. The job? Identify what you’re looking at in that microscope, with reasons for your choice, and then talk about it a bit. Or they could open up a cadaver and point at a structure and ask you about its embryology – how it develops from within the womb and all.

It’s intricate and frightening if I might add.

The last part, which contributes to ten percent of your score, is the oral examination, or Viva. Here, you’d be asked questions at random until the examiners are satisfied – perhaps after three or four questions.

Yeah, the workload is bulky as hell, and even though I was built to handle this stress, I really don’t want to. Well, thanks for listening to me rant about my insecurities, grievances, and just me being vulnerable in general.

See you next time!