Alien Tourism

[WP] Aliens have finally discovered Earth - but they're not hostile. They've tasted human food, and they think it's so astonishingly good that Earth is becoming an alien tourist hotspot.

*****

“Oh, fine establishment. Good scent and human seems mostly clean. Oh, fine establishment.” The alien said, the eight-foot creature crouching under my garage door as it entered my workshop. Just the sound of its roaring voice was enough to make me jump, causing me to bang my head on the car’s opened hood.

“Fuck, ow. How did you even get under that?”

“I crouched, I crouched.” It repeated, making waving motions with its arms as another alien squatted before shuffling under the door like an excited crab.

“Um, is there something wrong with your translator? You seem to have a bit of echo, buddy. Want me to have a look at it?” I went to find a screwdriver, trying to be helpful, even if I knew all I would do was glance it over and then recommend they go see an alien embassy about it. What was I meant to do? I repaired cars; our technology is primitive compared to theirs.

“This is how we talk; we wish to sample the delicacies of this fine establishment. This is how we talk.” It said happily as the other alien returned to an upright position. They both had circular mouths filled with what looked to be rows of tiny teeth. It was hard to see from a distance, and I certainly wasn’t asking for a closer look.

“Ok, you don’t need to repeat the first words. I get the message. Anyway, I’m sorry to say but I don’t sell food, I repair human cars. There’s a nice little place down the road that does good kebabs, though. If you fancy something like that.” I tried to be nice, a little out of respect and a lot out of fear. I often saw aliens from a distance when I was doing my shopping or sometimes at my local kebab shop, but never up-close like this.

“Human cars? Fascinating. I’m Hexi and this is my bondmate, Lavpi. Human cars?” The other alien, Hexi, gave some introductions as she moved to my side. Shortly after, Lavpi did the same, leaving me stuck between two tall aliens.

“What Hullithium gauge does this run on? What hul-“ Lavpi attempted to stop his repetition, politely covering his mouth. His large hand being big enough that it covered his face as well.

“A hull? What like the things that boats have? No, this is a car. It runs on…” I didn’t bother finishing that. The two aliens stared at me like doting grandparents, neither interested in what I was saying. Only listening because they found my attempts at explaining it cute.

“I’m sure you are doing amazing work for your kind.” Hexi too made the same effort at avoiding repetition, the aliens showing a rare understanding that most humans wouldn’t have bothered giving me. After my explanation, a loud click went off before I was blinded. I let out a horrible scream as I flailed my arms, assuming I was being kidnapped. When my sight returned, two concerned faces greeted me as Hexi put away her cheap flash camera. Her yellow eyes staring at me as she gave my cheek a poke.

“I’m sorry, earthling, I was told this device was safe to use. I’m sorry.” The repetition slipped back as she grew worried. I blinked out the last pieces of blinding light from my eyes before giving a reassuring smile.

“It’s fine. It’s safe, I just didn’t expect it, that’s all. Ouch. Um, you two seem nice and you're welcome to look around my shop, but I don’t think I can really help you with the food situation.”

“Are you certain? We wanted to try some authentic human cooking. So many of your restaurants now try to cater to us. We want to taste the flavors of Earth.” Lavpi said, before opening a flap of skin on his stomach, revealing a set of weird unknown black organs. He fished around in his body before retrieving a wet two hundred dollars. “Is this enough?”

I stared at the money, tempted to just take it. It wasn’t like I was that in a good enough position to refuse money coated in slick alien stomach juices. That money could help me pay my next set of bills. Still, I held my hand up, refusing. Mechanics had a bad enough reputation as it is. I didn’t want those nasty rumors to spread throughout the galaxy, too.

“Sorry, I really can’t take that money. It wouldn’t be right. I don’t know how to cook at all. The best authentic human dish I could make you is something I grew up with called a vegemite sandwich.” I said with a small laugh.

The two aliens gave each other a look before their mouths widened in what I could only assume was a smile? Either that or they were getting ready to latch onto my face and suck my skin off.

“A vegemite sandwich? That sounds delightful. A vegemite sandwich?” Again, the excitement caused a verbal slip up as Hexi pushed Lavpi’s hand, trying to get the alien to hand me the money at a quicker rate.

“It does. But are you certain you don’t want the money?” Lavpi clearly felt a little bad, slowly opening his stomach flap once more, giving me plenty of time to request the money.

“I really can’t take the money. Um, look I’ll see if I have the ingredients, ok? If I do, I’ll make you one.”

“Thank you, human, we appreciate it. May we know the name of the human that will feed us?” Hexi asked.

“Um, Rob. From Rob and son’s mechanics. I don’t have a son. I just thought that the name would make my business sound more authentic and would bring in the customers. But clearly it didn’t.” I motioned to my near empty store, only having one car currently in my workshop. With that, I went to the staffroom, my steps followed by the flashes of a camera and alien chatter.

Searching my staffroom for ingredients, I found a few pieces of nearly stale bread and a jar of vegemite that had been there since the shop opened three years ago. Given the bread was a little old, I shoved it into my toaster, listening to the horrible metallic groans as my old toaster did its best to toast the bread.

With the toast ready, I slathered on a nice amount of vegemite. I was a professional after all and knew that vegemite was a more even to moderate spread. Not like those half jar spreads that those viral stars do before complaining that the taste is too strong. Amateurs, giving a wonderful dish a bad name. Everyone knows a half jar spread is only for the professionals.

I finished up the meal and my little rant before letting out a sigh. Was this going to cut it? These aliens had tasted human food, they would know that my cooking was just above a six-year-old’s. Still, I hadn’t charged them, so they couldn’t complain unless they got food poisoning. I just hoped food poisoning was only a human problem. Bringing out the two plates, I placed them on the hood of the car.

“This is a vegemite sandwich. It’s a dish from my home country and something I hope you appreciate as much as I did growing up.” I did my best to give the food a story, acting like I was a recipe writer trying to reach their word count. I would have called it vegemite toast, if not for the fact that the toaster had only given the bread the equivalent of a mild sunburn rather than actually toasting it.

A flash of light again blinded me. As the camera went off and as my eyes recovered, they were both at my side once more. It was like a magic trick; just how quickly could they move? The thought made me shiver.

“OHHH, I’ve never seen such a dish. It looks simple and yet I sense some complexities. The food has feeling and soul, a string of passion that is already tingling on my two tongues.” Hexi said, opening her mouth, letting two long black tongues roll out from it.

“It’s just a vegemite sandwich. It’s really not that complex.”

“It is. You can just feel the energy from it. It smells like something we would fuel our ships with, and yet there’s a certain allure. The way it sits on the warm bread is exciting. May we taste it?”

I had never heard anyone say anything nice inside my workshop before. It was lovely to be complimented for a change. They even impressed me by managing not to repeat themselves in their excitement, clearly trying to be as polite as possible. Maybe I should try to get a job on an alien ship? Would be better than dealing with people that don’t appreciate me.

“Sure, here you go.” I just smiled and handed them a vegemite sandwich.

I watched as they wrapped their tongues around the sandwich, bringing the sandwich into their mouths before munching on it with a ferocity that made it look like their mouths would pop off at any moment. The small teeth tearing the meal apart before eventually it was swallowed. They both stared at me, not uttering a word, leaving me to take a few uneasy steps back. Was it not good enough? Were they going to eat me now?

“Wonder, just so very wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.” Hexi cheered as she licked her lips. Her arms wrapped around Lavpi, waiting for his opinion.

“Its something so new. I have tasted nothing comparable. It’s something so new.” Neither alien could hide their feelings. The two boundmates hugging each other in an oddly cute way before turning back to me.

“Please, you must take the money. Is it ok if we come back? We would love to sample this meal again.” Hexi nudged Lavpi as the alien again opened his stomach flap, allowing me a chance to reach in and grab the money.

“We insist. You did us a great service human. Please, take it.”

I looked away as I reached into the flap, shivering as I heard the wet squeaks of liquid before I pulled out the notes. I gave my hand a few waves, cleaning the liquid as best I could before setting the money aside.

“Sure, I’ll buy some more bread. If you want to come back, feel free too. It’s been pretty pleasant having you around.” With that, the two aliens were off, leaving me to finish my repairs. Little did I know, the two aliens were the off world equivalent of foodies and my humble mechanic shop had earned five Glummixs out of five. Soon I was greeted every day by crowds of aliens requesting my sandwiches. Eventually, it became easier just to give up on being a mechanic and become a chef. Still, I knew the vegemite sandwich hype would die down eventually, which is why I was planning my next dish, fairy bread.

My favorite and first customers still dropped in and of course they always had a seat at my workshop turned kitchen. I was getting to know them rather well. They even offered to take me to their home world for a visit. As much as I would love to go, I doubt the alien embassy on Earth would approve of it, mainly because they were jealous that the aliens seemed fonder of me than them.

Who knows, maybe someday I would get to taste their cooking. For now, though, I will just enjoy the moment.

*****

THE END