A Count for a Roommate

[WP] you’re a vampire hunter and you just discovered that your roommate is a vampire you would kill each other but the rent around where you live is ridiculously high so neither of you can afford killing the other

*****

The thing about English estates, especially old ones like Lord Humphrey's, is that they're leg-achingly sprawling. It's as if some giant picked up a reasonably-sized home and garden and shook it hard for a few millennia until it stretched out like pizza dough.

For someone like me, who had to use public transport to get here, the last thing you want is to walk a three mile driveway just to reach the front door. Especially when you're wearing a cassock a foot-too-long for your perfectly adequate frame, and when you're at constant risk of tripping over the extra material. It's not my fault catholics don't do robes in women's sizes. They're behind the times.

I can hear my mum's voice chastising me from somewhere in the heavens: you should have folded up the hem and given it a good staple before you set off. That would have done the trick. Her imaginary voice continues for a while even after she's dispensed her advice: Now where's my bottle of red gone? I can't have drunk it all already. Have you been at my wine again?

The sky's already darkening as I amble towards the main manor. The overly manicured bushes look like chess pieces, but I'm not sure if they're meant to.

I wear a cross around my neck, as well as a string of uncomfortable garlic bulbs. By the time I reach the double-doors I'm a sweaty mess and regretting my recent career change to vampire hunter.

The man at the hall's great front door has a moustache that curls both ends and looks like two grey squirrels have stuck their tails over his mouth.

"Yes?"

"You are Lord Humphrey, aren't you?" I say.

"Henry," he mumbled, pulling a moustache-tail straight before letting it bounce back into a curl. "Call me Henry. I do so hate with formalities."

"I'm Amelia," I say. "The vampire hunter."

He looks me over, one eye wide. "Huntress, I think you mean."

He's not impressed by what's turned up at his door. There wasn't a picture of me on the emails and I only signed my name "A". In the initial message, I told him I was tracking a vampire across the country and believed it was in this vicinity, and to please let me know if he saw anything suspicious.

He replied an hour later telling me that yes, he's seen much suspicious recently. He's seen a young man outside his daughter's bedroom, and when confronted, the man turned into a bat and flew out of a bloody window. This had apparently happened multiple times -- the vampire wasn't going anywhere it seemed.

I replied with my fee.

He replied complaining about said fee. That if I was already on this vampire's trail why was there a fee to continue doing the task I'd already been undertaking.

That was a good point so I ignored it and replied: One thousand pounds to rid your house of a vampire, take it or leave it.

He took it.

Now he stands on his doorstep looking at me, huffing and hawing in displeasure. Finally he says, tapping his foot. "Seeing as you're here, you might as well try."

"I'm honoured," I say, accompanied by a mocking bow.

"Quite."

He leads me through the hall and to the bottom of a twisting staircase.

He says, "I've never seen the demon down on the ground floor, so I think you're best starting with up there."

I take the EMF detector out of a robe pocket. The good thing about cassocks is they have a lot of internal pockets -- it's a little secret not many catholics will tell you about. But as a girl with perpetually too-few pockets, I've found it to be something of a luxury.

"What's that?" Henry asks, nodding at the black device in my hands.

"EMF detector. That's electro-magnetic field detector, in layman's terms." I flash a toothy smile.

"As in, a ghost detector?"

I frown. I'd gotten it from a supernatural shop outside of town earlier in the day. I don't remember any mention of ghosts -- I'd just figured it was good for hunting anything supernatural. Luckily I'm a professional and remain composed, saying, "I'm doing a two-for-one for my clients at the moment. Clearing out vampires and also checking for ghosts."

"I see," says Henry, scratching his chin.

I leave him at the bottom of the stairs and head up to the main landing to begin investigations. At the top, I turn a corner and head down a dim corridor. Out of sight, I allow myself a deep breath. The truth is, this isn't going as well as I planned, and I'm a little concerned Henry won't pay the full amount.

"Psst," comes a voice. "Psst. Amelia?"

"Jon?"

"Yeah." Out of the darkness of the doorway steps my young vampire roommate, Jonathan. "Took you long enough to get here," he whispers. "I'm ready to get this job over with. Honestly, I'm not convinced this has been worth three hundred quid at all. It's taken the best part of a week to get to this stage. And the other night, that old man chased me with a stake and a net. He's way faster than he looks."

"Well I can't do better than three hundred. That's splitting the payment right down the middle, and remember, I put a lot of work into this too." I point at my cassock. Then at the garlic. Although I'll be reusing half the garlic tonight in a nice bolognaise, and the cassock will become a well-pocketed dress. A good prop is a reusable prop. Not that Jon will be able to eat my garlicy dinner -- talk about a fussy eater.

"I know, I know," he says. "Fine, let's just get this over with."

I nod. "Three, two, one... Go!"

Jon screams and runs through the hallway pounding his boots on the carpet. I wait a second, then follow, the cross brandished in my palm. "Away demon!" I yell. "And never return."

Henry is still at the bottom of the staircase as I chase Jon down the steps.

"Away!" I hurl one bulb of garlic at him, hitting him square in the back.

"Ouch!"

"Ouch?" I say annoyed, unable to help myself. What kind of vampire says ouch? We'll need method acting classes after this.

Jon turns into his bat-form as we pass by the astonished Henry; I continue chasing and yelling. "Away, foul demon! And never return to this place. At least not for the next month or two!"

Finally, Jon flaps through the open front door and vanishes into the night. It's okay for him, he'll be home in an hour. It'll take me half the night, and that's if the busses are still running.

Henry trundles over to me, his cheeks bright pink. "Amazing! You flushed it out better than I ever managed. I mean, I've chased it out before, but never like that."

"Yes, it has to be out of the front door."

His eyes narrow. "How do you know I've never chased it out the front door? I never said I didn't do that."

"Uh. Because if you had, it wouldn't have come back."

His eyebrows twitch. "I see. Makes sense, I suppose. Now, a thousand, wasn't it?"

"On the nose."

"Cheque all right with you?"

"Cash, if it's all the same."

When I first found out I was living with a vampire -- even one who'd sworn off human-blood -- I wasn't exactly thrilled. But Jon's growing on me. We make a good team. And later, when I'm home and handing him his well-earned three hundred, I might even tell him so.

*****

THE END