My Very First Love

Today, I broke up with my girl. A decision that might or might not help me in the coming years of my life. For the last 28 months I devoted my love for her. But, it only took one message to remind me that I wasn't her first.

I met this girl when I was in 2nd year high school. We were classmates and neighbors at the same time. She live a street next to us. We happened to cross paths going to school mostly everyday during that time. I never thought it led us to fell in likeness with each other. She and I became closer each and everyday. She even held my shoulder as we walked to school most of the time. It was nothing at first. It was nothing at all. Then it was the time when pick up lines became popular to millennials exchanging cheesy lines that make peoples' heart flutter. Because of this, We became the talked of the class. Most of them were asking what was the status between me and this girl. Later that day she approached me. She told me not to be close to her because she's a bad influence to me. That was the moment we grew apart from each other. A whole school year passed without us talking to each other.

First day of my 3rd Year high when I was walking towards my school. You probably know what happened right? We happened to cross path with each other. "Hi!" I said followed by a wave. "Hi! Unsang section ka?(What section are you?). I said "Jacinto. Ikaw?(Section Jacinto. What about you?). Then we walked towards the school since we were once again classmates. That time we never like each other. We actually became very close friends because of this. No malice nor signs of likeness. It was purely friendship for me and her that time. This was also the time when I used to like one of our classmates whom we're gonna called "Dud". I used to like this girl since 2nd year high school. We used to chat each other every other night through facebook. We had a personal computer at the house while she used to go to an internet shop. This girl also live close to my house. We happened to go to school together sometimes too. So this time, it was me, my girl, dud, and 2 other classmates used to go to school together. My likeness for dud was actually on and off. We could say that it was a puppy love and it was bound to fade away.

We became seniors and we were still classmates. This time we were very close friends. Me, my girl and this dud. It was pure friendship for us this time. Then, my very first heartbreak happened. My classmate whom we'll gonna call "sadboi" was trying to court my girl. It was not that long when they became lovers. Consequences of this was the fact that my girl distanced herself to me. Seeing my girl with someone else made me realized that it was not friendship that pulled me to her but instead, love. This was my very first heartbreak which I tried to cover up myself. The only one who was with me was dud. It was the latter half of the school year when we started chatting each other again. My likeness for her didn't really fade. It just stop. This led me to confess my likeness to her through the traditional letter. One afternoon after our class, I told her to wait for me. We went home together and in the same intersection we used to see each other to school, I handed her the letter then ran HAHAHA. I used to be shy and coward so this was expected. Even without giving the letter, we already knew that we like each other. I never had an answer from her and we graduated. My dud finished as honorable mention. Me and my girl finished as graduates HAHAHA.

After that, we went different paths in life. My girl didn't continue her study. I took up BSIT and dud took up BTTE. My girl and sadboi broke up. Then, two whole year passed without us seeing each other until...

My girl chatted me. "Patabang ko sa school next week ha wala koy kaila mag school nako(help me in school next week. I'm going to go back to school)". My girl took up BSBA-HRDM in the same school I was schooling. This school is located walking distance from our house so it was actually possible for her to be there. This event led us to grew close to each other once again. Then, I had this guy one year ahead of me whom I introduced to my girl. This guy actually asked me to introduce her to my girl. After that, I didn't knew they were seeing each other. It was nothing to me at first. My girl actually came from a break up with his churchmate boyfriend. It was not long when my girl and my senior became lovers. I was done with my feelings with my girl that time. She was really just a friend so I was happy for her. But, just after a month they broke up. I was the only one who was there for my girl. Despite being just a friend, I was ready to console her. I was the one who reminded her at night not to do unnecessary things for she was suicidal that time. I never left her. That senior left her for his long time crush, an Education student. My girl was really hurting during that time seeing her ex being with someone else. I knew that feeling quite well seeing her with sadboi when we were high school. The only thing I could to her was to be with her and I never left her side no matter what.

Months passed and it was the annual intramurals of the school. The highlight of this week-long activity is of course the Mr. and Ms. Intramurals. My girl was the representative of the HRDM department. I was sitting in the BSIT bench but I was actually cheering for her HAHAHA. So a lot of my friends were looking at me for not cheering for our rep. Actually it was not just me. My friends who became my girl's friend were also cheering for her beside me. The pageant ended and my girl fell one place short. She finished first runner up. She was beautiful that night. But what really captivated me was her braveness to be at that stage for the first time and represent her department. She even answered nicely in her question and answer portion. I would say I had been enticed by the braveness of her soul.

A week before that she was chatting me to support her. She was so clingy to the point I had malice. She even told me I love you. My heart really flattered hearing those words. I never had a girlfriend during that time so it was really a given to be swayed by that. Fast forward to it, we went back to being that close. Chats and even in school. We went home together sometimes. We continued chatting each other and she never stopped being clingy. One night as we were walking home I asked her, "Seryoso ka(are you serious)"?. She said yes. She wasn't just kidding at first but she said she's already serious. That was how we started not as friends but of lovers.

We became legal to both families. I met her family she met mine. We had the typical relationship of fighting each other mostly everyday. We fought, make up, then start again. It was always like this until last week. Feb 19, 2021, I broke up with her. I can tolerate any problems we had except this one. I felt betrayed, cheated. It only took one message to remind me that I wasn't her first. I saw one of her messenger account with a message from her ex. This was actually not the first time she tried to contact her ex. It was her second ex. Her churchmate. The one who left her because of another girl with a heart problem. What else would I feel. I felt betrayed and frustrated. I never made that a big issue and went to play Mobile Legends in her phone instead. She was hugging me saying sorry. Then 15 minutes later a message pop up but the number was blocked. "Hi!". So, I ask her who it was. She said she don't know. So I replied who it is? and he replied its "kuan". I confronted my girl and asked her who did he get her number and she said she don't know. I tried to reply his text with "Asa ka nakakuha sa akong number(Where did you get my number)? His reply left me to pieces. "Ikaw man nag chat sa akoa nangayo kag number gamit imong fb tapos wala nako natubag imong call(It was you who asked me for my number in fb but I wasn't able to accept your call). She messaged her ex when we had a fight about her blaming me that she might lose her job because she had to be absent because of me. This was actually the same last time. She message her ex when we are in conflict with each other.

I never loved someone before her so I probably don't know what it feels to have an ex. I just lose my father and mother months ago so this really added to the pain I am feeling. I never made contact with other girls for the whole duration of our relationship. I always put her feelings first before mine. It would only take one message for me to break this relationship. The sole reason I see why she can't cut communication with that guy is because I was just a choice because I was the only one who was there when she needed someone. I was never loved the way I loved. I was just accepted because I was there. That is the reality I needed to accept for myself.

I accepted her apology and decided to let go of her. She explained everything that she only wanted to talked to her ex to tell him not to contact her mother. I could have believed it when I have read his chat but I never saw there convo because it was deleted. Besides, she had all the means to tell her through messenger not to contact her mother and there is no need to ask for his number. This just goes to show that she wanted to listen to him. That again is the reality I needed to accept.

To the girl I cherished the most, you take care. I won't be there to send you to your work. I won't be there to fetch you from your work. I won't be there when you want someone to be with. I have no choice but not to be there because I wasn't your first. I don't mind not being loved first, I just wanted to be someone you really loved. I was never that one. I just happened to stayed with you. Because if you do, it was really easy to cut ties with them. Be well and Stay healthy. I hope the best for you.

To anyone who's reading this. You deserved to be love the way you love someone. Do not settle for less. Love isn't money that is needed to be saved. There is no expense in sending love in the same way that it is not greedy accepting so much of it. Be well and stay healthy. This is the only way for you to find the one that would cherish you for the rest of your life. If you already did, be sure not to regret it :)