BS: Love

“I tell you! I tell you! I don’t want to hear any more about this. Love is the one feeling that irks the inner part of my soul! It has caused me more harm than good.” I screamed.

“…but you can’t do that. I mean, look at us. We used to be something. We made each other happy and you can’t deny it” Kevin responded. “Happy? Kevin, our happiness was like a campfire. Don’t you ever speak of happiness between us.”

I could see the look in his eyes. He wanted more than words to bring me back but I wasn’t having it. He had his tie unknotted a bit and his long neck shone out more. He was always charming. As much as he wasn’t perfect in all of his physical features, I could accept him wholly. There was absolutely nothing unlovable about him. Not one human that constantly roams the earth is perfect in all aspects. I could see him walking up to me. He picked each step as though the tiling of my home was as fragile as my heart. A part of my heart wished he cared for it the same way. He carried the look of a man who felt that his words and touch could lift my mind away this idea of love I now had. He pulled out his hand to hold me. “Annie, I know how you feel. I may not perfectly understand you but we are perfect for each other. I...I am sorry, Annie. I just need you to see through me as you always have. I just need…”

“See through you? See through you, you say?” I interrupted. I pulled out my hands and held my head like all the weight of Kevin’s sins would have made it fall off.

“Kevin, we’ve been at this bull shit we call love for over seven years. There’s nothing in the whole world I wouldn’t have done for you. I look at you now and I recollect everything you have ever done to me. You kept hurting me and you kept doing it. You derived pleasure in making me ache literally and figuratively. I could ask you now and you would not have a reason why you cause me so much pain yet you say you love me?” I continued.

All he could ever do was hurt me. It was a skill he didn’t take classes for. There was Becky and there was Sharon. There was Zainab and there was Monica. There was Bon and there was Lara. It was like every year that we fell out because of one woman. And then we tried to make it work, the following year had the same story. Seven years and all he could do was spell out those years telling me that I was never going to be enough for him and us. Standing right there in my living with this same man that lies resided at the tip of his tongue was just another struggle I couldn’t get into for the day. Work was hectic and Kevin had just made my day worse.

“Why don’t I make it work right here, right now?” he made his way through my thoughts. He pulled from the couch and pointed at the ground. My eyes followed his actions. From his expression, you would have felt the need to believe that the next words that were going to fall out would make sense. I could bet the silence was deafening and with the look of agitation due to the pain and confusion, he had to say something quickly. “Marry me.” He rolled out of his mouth. His face was masked with ‘this is my best bet to our unending happiness’

What did this man take me for?

Did he think marriage would be a cure to his infidelity?

Oh no! Thirty-five and foolish.

Kevin couldn’t amuse me anymore in life if he tried to.

I stood there astonished while processing how foolish this young man was. “Kevin, try harder. I request that you try harder not to sound absurd in life. What do you think you are doing?! Do you think this would help you clear out all the atrocities you have committed? Our marriage would only be another battleground. And you know what? Let me make this easier for you and me. Get out!” I knew the vein that always showed up in my moments of anger had popped up. I took off my heels faster than I could ever imagine and went to the door. I opened it and pointed my hand outside. He looked at me like he expected those words to take me right off my feet and jump for joy.

Outright foolishness!

“Annie, let’s make this work please” he pleaded.

“Kevin, I promise you that this will be the last time you ever make use of your legs if you don’t get out of my house this minute!”

Yelling was not my thing. It always made me weak. I slammed the door hard before I could let any more filthy words roll out of his mouth.

I let out a long sigh and fell to the floor. It felt cold but the pain I was passing through was worse.

“Love has to be the greatest bullshit that’s ever existed,” I said and cried for as long as I could remember.