Stop being a Pawn in your own Chess Game
I remember some years ago when I was madly in love with one of my Facebook friends I've never met. It was as though we were pairs made in heaven, just that she did not know it yet. I was madly in love with her, above and beyond, in my deepest of hearts, there was no reason why we shouldn't be together, she just did not know it yet.
And that that very moment, those very cold lonely days when I stare at her photos I downloaded off Facebook, those rainy days when I fed my eyes with her beauty and charisma, those days, I understood how the mind of a stalker walked. She was like a drug I was addicted to, this time, the drug being her presence, I could not get enough. I became her stalker and sucker.
My day wasn't complete if I hadn't gone through her walls and liked every single thing she posted online. I tried as much as possible to hide how much I had gotten addicted to her, it was as though she was the reason for my very existence. Like stalkers, I followed her on the timeline wherever she went as though her life was a reality show for me. I knew every single thing, to the tiniest of details about her. I knew I had to make a move or risk being caught up in a web of madness, madly in love with her.
And I like the woman with the issue of blood, planning all night on how to struggle past all the crowd and then the disciples to finally touch the hem of Christ's garment, I planned my way right down to sliding into her DM. Boy, isn't she everything I prayed of to have in a lady?
With trembling hands and an unstable phone, I had a million things to type and say to her; how her eyes shine like the sun itself, how her smile mend a broken heart, how her anger could destroy a whole universe, how her curves could never be explained by science or physics combined, or how her burst could make a grown man cry... I had a million things could say, but all I could type was "Hi".
But she wasn't the average girl you know, she was more, she immediately recognized my need to be hers and the urge that emanates from the deepest part of my being to belong to her. "If I had a penny for everything you wanted to say, I'll be the richest woman on earth", replied. It's as though she knew me like she was my creator.
She was funny, had a good sense of humor, and Understands sarcasm. Thankfully, she lived just a state, 4 hours away from where I lived. I dared to ask to see her, and like a merciful god, she granted me my request. In no time I was en route to see her. Those 4 hours on the road were the best worst day of my entire life. I was scared and mesmerized at the same time. I felt a huge tremor of uncertainty rock the very essence of my entire being like I was uncertain of what to say when I see her, how do I address her, Shreds you've got only one shot, do not fuck this up, I told myself.
And when I dropped and saw her, seated in the distance with her face bent as she was staring at her phone, boy, this is her, she is the one. Her hair fell smoothly on her shoulders like a bee dropping honey into a honeycomb. She was the perfect definition of a Celestial being on earth. And boy when she looked up and stared at me, I felt like the heavens stood still to enjoy the view. Her eyes glowed like the sun itself. Her dimples were like a black hole in space, endless, and cannot be explained. She walked like a God, as though every single tree and grass bowed and she walked towards me. I removed from eyes immediately, I felt unworthy to behold such beauty, such eternal epitome of godliness.
And then she called my name, Shreds, I could swear that for a second, having my name called from the book of life felt like a secondary feeling to how I felt that instant. I dared to stare directly into her eyes, oh lord, tears immediately filled my eyes, she was perfect.
And then we had our first outing, she wasn't cheap but she was worth it. I was ready to spend every dime on her, still... She drew her limits.
She invited me over to her place. We talked all through the night, and when the moon had reached its peak, I went on my knees, and like Jacob who had worked 14 years for his bride, I fell on my knees and asked her to become my all, she knew I needed her like the very air I breathe. She had the most polite voice as she told me what she felt the very same way, but she had her own rules which I mostly follow.
She said for us to be together, I must accept her terms
No PDA
No strings
No expectations
Just do as I was told
I was like her Gemini man like I was bottled up in paradise but forbidden to eat from the tree of life. In truth I knew what she was asking of me, to become the very thing I wish I wasn't, walking dead for her. She gradually took my Glory and stole my story. She took my crown and gave me thorns, but torns I accepted gladly because I loved her. She shamed me at every instance but I told myself, aren't these the things we did for love.
She drained my of my spark, she was a wolf in wolf clothing. I saw what she was doing, but I was too embedded in her scheme to resist. Gradually she took everything and left absolutely nothing for me. I felt empty, and even in my emptiness, I gave up more of myself to her. And when I felt like I had had enough, she'll look me in the eyes and tell me that I was important, that she loved me, and then she'll let me behold her beauty, and then starve me of it for the longest of time. She knew how to get a hold of me, she knew how to keep me a pawn in my own chess game.
And when she had taken the last of my shine, and I had nothing left to offer, she threw me out into the woods for the wolves to devour, but even the wolves had nothing to feed on because she had taken everything from me. I was nothing.
I was once in love with a girl I met on Facebook, who showed me that indeed some people could eat their cake and have it. And so I stayed in the woods for what seems like an eternity, until I realized that people could not build from anything, but something, from others. So I cleaned my empty self up and covered my emptiness with the same smile and glow she had. Then and there I understood, that she fed on me, and so to survive, I had to feed on others.
See, she created the monster you are seeing now, she made me that King that feeds on the shine of others, she made me a Playboy, now I'll make you all a Pawn like I was, in your own chess game.
