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How am I?: I'm happy, free, confused & lonely at the same time

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Written by   90
10 months ago

We're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time

It's miserable and magical,oh yeah

-22, Taylor Swift

How would you characterized yourself?” our instructor asked in our class in ‘Understanding the Self’. Some of classmates described themselves as a notebook that will collect knowledge, memories and experiences; as a traveler, discovering and learning new things and experiences as he travel in life; as a jigsaw puzzle that still needs a quest for missing pieces and needs to be completed and built and more interesting answers.

I would characterized my self as a paradox or a contradiction. I have traits and characteristics that contradict each other. The most basic example is I’m kind of grade-conscious but I procrastinated a lot and I was always late before. Also, I’m thrifty but kind of impulsive on buying.

The main focus of this article is how am feeling these days. It’s kind of contradicting just like me. Its’s miserable and magical. I’m happy, free, confused, lonely at the same time.

I’m happy.

It’s almost a month since our class started. I can still remember the struggles and problems from getting my requirements in school to application. Then, the initial results brought me to tears. Finally, here I am in my dream university. I’m just thankful that my tears, frustrations, disappointments, and efforts lead me here and reached my dream. Despite the academic stress in the university, I'm happy that I made it this far.

The pandemic brought a lot of changes to everyone’s life and it changed me. Last school year, in Grade 12, I lost my interest in studying.I reached a point that I haven’t passed any schoolwork in some subjects and got 80% of grade and I was not ‘with honors' in the second semester. But now, I’m glad that so far I don’t have any backlogs or experiences passing my works late, even though I procrastinate a little. And I’m always present in class and doing well in quizzes. Sadly,I can’t want anime and be active here because of being busy.

I was not changed academically by the pandemic, I was also changed socially and physically. Now, I’m going out a lot and spending my time with friends, very far from before that I was just stuck in the house with my social accounts deactivated so no one can disturb me. Also, I gained a lot of weight and acne breakout but now I’m working on my body and my pimples are now able to be counted with my fingers. I’m happy that I’m able to bring change in myself even in the slightest way.

I haven’t seen my mother for almost four years because she went to Mindanao. Of course, we miss her. I’m very excited and happy because she will be home in the next few days.

I’m happy that I still have my friends around. They’re always there. We hang out more often and eat ‘merienda’ together. And moments with them bring me laughter, fun, and peace.

You know why I used lyrics from Taylor Swift’s song 22 from the album Red  in the title? I’m so excited for her rerecorded version of Red this coming November 12! I’m happy and excited and looking forward to the said date. Also, I can’t wait for the All Too Well short film. Please be sure to check out her new rerecorded album next Friday if you want to be heartbroken yet happy at the same time.

I’m free.

I don’t have much to say about being free. Luckily, I’m not in an overprotective family. And I’m already 18 and old enough to decide for myself and do what I want. Several days ago, my friends, former classmates and I enjoy and have fun in the beach. Some of us drank alcoholic beverages, including me. I went home and they didn’t scold me (or haven’t discovered it, LOL). Anyway, I don’t drink often, just occasionally.

Also, I’m free with my own prison I built. I’m free from those negative thoughts and feelings I had since the pandemic. My chest and mind became lighter and lighter as I freeing myself

I’m confused.

I’m literally confused, especially with our lessons. The past few days I’m struggling with our lessons in Chemistry for Engineers. The lesson was just given to us(asynchronous class) and I had hard time self studying. I’m not even sure if I got correct answers in the assignment. I’m confused with chemicals equations and stoichiometry in Chemistry. I’m manifesting passing grade cutie!

As days pass and as our lessons get harder, I’m getting more confused. I don’t know if I’m sure with my chosen degree program. I’m doubting and confused with my decision because of my capability and skills.

I’m lonely.

I don’t exactly know why but I always feel lonely, especially at home. That’s why most of the time, I distract myself with music including anime, writing and school works. I’m not alone but I feel lonely—that’s it.

But it’s fine being lonely, you’ll learn how to be independent and be there for yourself.

Just like from the music industry's song lyrics I am feeling happy,free, confused, and lonely at the same time.

I want to ask you. How are you?

You can describe what you feel using a song lyrics or title in a new article if you need a prompt. And genuinely, you can express how you feel in the comments.

We supposed to have classes in ROTC every Sunday but it was announced yesterday that we don't have meetings. So finally I got free time given that I already finished my school works that will due tomorrow. I have time to write something.

Again,I'm Nyctofiles,reminding you to stream Red( Taylor's Version) on November 12!

To the Swifties out there in, what's your favorite Red track and what are you looking forward to in November 12( 11 or 13 here in the Philippines,I'm not sure😭)

My top three are Begin Again,I Knew You Were Trouble and 22 and special mention to All Too Well and Holy Ground. I'm excited for the short film and Run ft. Ed Sheeran.

Thank you everyone for reading!

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Written by   90
10 months ago
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