I tried to focus on what my brain's asking myself, and just like a conditioned practical leprechaun, the answers were all automatic, as if programmed to work that way.
'What do you want to become?'
I DO NOT KNOW. BECOME A ____, AND MAKE MY FAM PROUD.
'What are your plans after your schooling?'
I DO NOT KNOW. FIND A WORK, SAVE MONEY, FIND A PARTNER, AND MAKE MY FAM PROUD.
BULLSHIT!
No. Scratch that. I actually DO know what I want to become and I DO know what I want to do. But I left myself without a choice. And yes, you read that right and I just did that_ I LEFT MYSELF WITH 'NO CHOICE'. I was so fixated on proving my worth, on my desire to show everyone that I am capable, that I can do it . . . ALONE
But who am I fooling?
There are times when I want to leave all this shit, stop everything that I'm doing, and SCREAAAAAM at the top of my lungs. I imagine doing what I want. I imagine picking the toy that I really want to play, the cookie that I really want to munch, the icing that I really want to eat. And all are rainbows and unicorns, with matching glitters and confetti.
Thus, I decided this is it! This is what I will do. This is what I want to do. This is what I have to do.
And yet, once again, I realize that TIME and I were NEVER in good terms, and sometimes, somehow, MY clock rotates BACKWARDS.
(LEN)