Darkness is within me.
Even the day and night, I can feel the darkness following me.
It is my nightmare since I was a child.
Up until now I followed by the darkest side of my life but I have my light to lighten my way.
Way back before, during my primary school days, my life is miserable. I felt so much pity for myself. And sometimes felt empty. I was bullied by my classmate because I am a student who always stayed at the corner silently, and afraid to fight for my right.
When my secondary school grades started, I am starting to be brave, I am starting to fight for myself, to fight for my right. I thought to fight for bullies is the best solution. But I never thought my real enemy is the real world, the reality.
In my secondary education, I started to felt the numerous problems from school and personal problems. At the young age I suffered a lot. I experienced to work at a young age every summer to help my parents to lessen their burden, since I belong to unfortunate family. My parents support is always upon me, but I sometimes think I am unloved.
As my college journey started, the reality knocking my consciousness. I feel my life become more miserable. The problem multiplies. I never tried to live my life without my family for a long period of time, but I have to be alone, to be strong for my dreams. I was schooling in a private school in our City despite of our financial capacity. I thought I could get the scholarship that I applied.
The result of my scholarship drag me down. I was afraid to tell my parents first, but they have to know it. I was so scared that they might tell me to stop from schooling. So, to save my education I applied as a working student in our school and luckily I was accepted from a long process of application.
I worked for the whole second semester and I cried every night because to concur both my schooling and work at the same time isn't easy for me. I woke up early in the morning and go back home for almost evening.
I tried attended late in my class because I have to clean my assign area. I have to get the water in a complex floor in my own every rainy days, so the water wouldn't get inside the classrooms. I have to run from the outside of the campus to the inside in the 4th floor building trying not to be late in my first period class.
I tried to eat my lunch late for the whole semester because I haven't no choice but to get that time schedule to attained my eight to nine hours of duty in my school. I tried to take my exam without studying and got a low score in my one subject, but still thankful for I didn't failed my grades at the end of academic year.
I always feel the lonely night most of the time, but luckily my friends always there for me to distract from the loneliness I felt. They acted as my second family during my lonely days. During those times, I am like a robot. Other people can see that I am so much happy outside. But then, when I am alone, I am living in the darkest side of my life.
I need to act as if I am strong so other wouldn't worry for me. I want to fight my battle with my own, but I am fully weak to get up from the situation.
As the pandemic strikes the world, another problem came for me that I need to handle. My parents haven't a work for months due to the situation. Month of July, my father find a job but still not permanent. My father told me to stop my study because they can't afford me to send in school, and I haven't any gadgets to use in online class.
Though inner me protesting of my parents decision and I cried every night, still have to follow them because I have no choice.
Month of October, when someone told my mother if I am willing to work in their house for the meantime as a helper or should I say a "maid". I accepted their offer, and yes I became their maid. I never ashame for this kind of work because I know it is a decent job. But, I wasn't last for long because their helper was back for two weeks and luckily I can buy a phone to attend online class.
Yet, my parents still can't afford to send me in school this time. I was so problematic that time. How can I get all my dreams if I am still at my cage? Again, I was trapped to the most scary side of my life. I started to see the darkness, but a small light came to me, to give me hope. My grandmother's neighbor asked me if I am willing to take care of their only child. I was so happy, I know it is an opportunity to save money for my school.
I planned to work for only a half of school year, so, when the second semester will start I have my money for enrollment. For the following months, the second semester started and I am ready for my enrollment since I saved money for my schooling.
Unexpectedly, my boss offer me to still work for them tho I have my online class. Because they insisted, I get the opportunity. For the whole second semester I am the one who send myself in school without the help of my parents and I am proud of it.
However, at least I know that even I lived for a long darkest years I can still see lights. Now, I am still fighting for my dreams, for I know I have God to light and guide me in a right path. The small light that lighting my way is getting bigger now. And I am looking forward in the future that the darkness I see in my life will totally say goodbye.
