Life After High School

I lost my place in the honour roll when I was in Junior years. At first, I was at the top until suddenly someone brighter than me got the place. Jonathan Imatong told me when I was put in the third spot of honour roll that, "Narag, next time you will be out of the honour roll". He is right, the next time we are competing with the list, I was not included in it anymore. Even on the top ten list. It was fine, then they opened the workshop for the theatre class. To be honest, my life was really perfect compared to some students I know from that school. We were advised at the audition to think about the saddest thing we had at that time. I couldn't think of any. So, I acted like my father was a very irresponsible father, and I was really awed by how our life was moving. I was a bit frightened that my acting was not that great at all. So, I thought I was rejected on that audition. Luckily, I got a grade of A+. Only the two of us got the first spot. The other one was Roxanne. A senior student. I was given three major roles and some minor roles for the play. I got a spot for Les Misérables. But suddenly, during our practice for all the play we would be playing, our adviser had advised me to stop joining them because my grades are getting lower. I took her advice and didn't even tell the director that I wouldn't be continuing to join the play.

It was the last year of our final year in High School. I was a bit sad and, at the same time, excited that finally we are going to graduate. To be honest, the graduation rites don't excite me that much. I really don't know why. Before we try to choose the right path we think we would be embarking on our college days, they have invited some school representatives to help us discover more of our potentials. Additionally, we were given a series of tests to evaluate ourselves on which is the best course we would be taking in college. Of course, to agree with my mother's decision that I should take a course related to computers, I manipulated the exam that made the result for me to be fitted to a computer related course.

During the visit of some schools in our campus, there were some handsome representatives from System Technology Institute that caught my heart. This is Eugene, I won the ball pen for answering one of the hardest questions they have asked from us. Modesty aside, I am really smart when I am studying in High School. I have been an honour student since I was in freshmen years. However, because of some family problems when my father left our house to earn a living to prepare for my college education, I suddenly lost interest in studying harder during my junior and senior years. My first choice to study in college was Psychology. I considered being an accountancy student when one of the speakers told us that if you have the habit of counting even a single cent from your pocket, you should take accountancy. I know my capability when we have some subjects about accountancy that I would not be great at doing it.

Since, I was advised by my mom to take up Computer Science, there, I manipulated the exam and I have strong decision to take it at STI since during that time, Antoinette Taus was the model of the school and idolized her that much because of her series, Anna Karen Nina. It was out of my tongue when I suddenly uttered to my classmate, Joy Lucas, that I would do all the nuisance in college. So, it happened. You would know when you continue reading this piece of what you would call it.

Alright, I can't recall when I finished High School. I just remember it was March when it happened. I'm so excited to wear my dress. Likewise, I chose a white top and a black skirt. My motto is, "The simpler, the better". Much to my surprise, my classmate, Jennifer, copied the dress I bought. I never knew she would buy the same kind of dress I would wear after she asked what would I buy for the graduation rites. She's the first to be called into the rites, so it seems, I'm the one who copied it. It looks like we are the kind of best friends we had in high school, but we are not. I didn't like her that much because she was always the one to criticize me for being ugly when she was far uglier than me. Maybe she is an insecure faggot. So, to say. She would always find flaws in the way I look or the way I do things my way. Which I don't know why she is doing it to me all the time.

My best friend when I was in elementary was Michelle, but we lost interest in each other when she was the one who had been put to the first section when I was the first honour when we were in sophomoric years. In our junior years, I had many friends who replaced her. Who would forget the times we had, we had been best of friends since we were 10. In our senior years, I became close with Jannet, Amie and Princess. 

We usually hang out at Amie's house when we have nothing to do. Shared our bountiful of crushes, ups and downs. Which made our friendship much deeper than what I had with Michelle. In our senior years, we had a subject, Value Formation, wherein we were advised to write our daily activities on that notebook and pass it every week to our teacher, Ma'am Diaz. I am not sure if she was already a Psychologist at the time. But, I guess she earned a degree in psychology. She shared with us that she used to be a victim of rape when she was younger and because of the grace of God, she recovered from that trauma and met her husband who is a Christian. In the third month of our subject with her, she was replaced by Ms. Briones. From there, I will still write on my journal, and she kept on giving me notes when she read my journal weekly. She was the first one to know that my crush at that time was CJ. My senior seatmate that has a crush on Mel Rhose. I am not sure if they have become together, but when the two of them were absent in our class, some of my classmates would tell us that they were having dates together. I wasn't that great looking when I was in my senior years. Mainly because I was dark and fat. We were having Citizen's Army Training (CAT) and I was part of the medics. I resigned when Cj told me that her rumoured girlfriend, Fretchie, who has a position in CAT, needed camouflage for the training. I never told the commandant or the officers that I would be resigning at that time. I just removed the hairnet from my head and didn't attend the afternoon training any more. That's how crazy I was when I gave my attraction to someone. Please don't laugh at me. It was just an infatuation. I had a lot of crushes when I was in high school, but the one I had with CJ was something serious. I would even dedicate the song Pretty Boy to him and got some shivers on my spine when it was played.

I had a heavy heart being called on the stage because I was afraid that my middle name would be told once again. I felt that my adviser, Ma'am Balugo was trying to make me recall the days I had in elementary days when I was always bullied for having my middle name on my last name. I don't have an issue with my mom's surname, but it sounds awful when it's pronounced with my last name. It sounds like I was hit with a stone on my face. I had an issue with my former classmates in elementary because even though I was one of the achievers at school, I was not treated well by my classmates. I even had some cat fights with my classmate for bullying me for having a big mole on my nose, and they call it, big fly. One of my classmates, Cherry Valera, told me on recognition day that if she would make an order of the honour list, I would be put to the last one. So, that made such a great impact on me. I promised myself that I would do better in High School. To be honest, I wanted to be a Salutatories at the time but because of some unavoidable circumstances that life has brought me, I wasn't able to hit the target. Well, at least, I was able to be honoured when I was in first and second years of my stay in high school. For me, that's already considered an achievement. To know that our Valedictorian. That had also become my crush during high school was also impressive to me because I was able to perfect some of the exams that we had when they were able to check our papers.

Pictures taken here and all. Although it was really hard seeing those classmates being given the medal, I still managed to wear a smile on my face. Oh, well, thanks for my A+ grade in my theatre class. It was hard because, it was my goal to be one of the top 5 in my class, but I failed to reach it. Although, I failed to reach my goals, that didn't make me lose some hope to look for another chance. I could probably make it to college. I told myself. I didn't know any more whom I had taken with that time. I was busy looking for some friends and sadness fills my heart that my mother needed to go back to their office to work because she was aiming after the salary she would still get the whole day. By the way, she was only getting five thousand pesos in a month as a cook in a government office in Quezon City. She was referred by my Grandmother to work there.

I think by now, you already have an idea how our life goes with that small salary. I can say that I didn't grow up with lots of luxuries in life during those times, but our lives have changed since my father was approved with his application abroad as a chief mechanic. I was able to eat chocolates and buy books that are far more expensive than the ones that my classmates are buying. That made them think that I am really rich. But, don't get me wrong. I don't act like  I am rich. I know that we are not. I could say that I was really generous to my friends because I know how it feels to have nothing. For some, they found me something arrogant. But, I really don't mind it. I think to myself, "I know myself better than you" 

That's how I run my high school life. I was excited about the challenge of my college years. Even though, I really don't know what is in store for me. If I had a boyfriend when I start it. To be honest,  I felt a little sad that I didn't have a boyfriend when I was in college because I was ugly when I was in the right age to have it. Oh, I think sixteen or fifteen was not really the right age. I guess I have the right to have it by then.

Instead of going to church and praying. I went to my classmates' house, Merycrise, to have a drink. Furthermore, I told myself, I'm mature enough to do this. They said that,"The first drop of the liquor must be thrown to turn the devil away, but I didn't". I did some ridiculous act when I got drunk while drinking the most famous liquor at that time. However, it was one of the most famous, it's not that expensive because that's the one we  could afford at that time. They would binge into what I was feeling during that time. They would even hit me with a pillow when I started acting crazy that time. It was fun though.

We went home happily. I saw our student teacher, Sir Acosta staring at me when I was so red with the liquor I tasted. I haven't told you that this student-teacher became my crush when I was in my senior years. He gave me an average of 84 in mathematics from my grade 79 from Mrs. Tagura's class. I even revoked that grade when I had it. For hell's sake, it was my first line of seven from the start of the high school year. When we tried revoking it to our teacher, I thought it was all fine. Such time that our teacher humiliated us in front of our class that some of us are grade conscious. Moving on, even though I felt such admiration for him, that was nothing to me because it was just fancy admiration. Not the one I have with Norman Cabos. Our high school valedictorian. I would even ask my classmates, that if I would be the one crushing to them what would they feel just to be sure that Norman would like me. So then it goes, after that, we spent our semester break at home. I invited my cousin to stay at our house while I am waiting for my tuition fee. 

I was thinking to myself that if I could just rest for a while and think more about the course I could be taking because, to be honest, I want to take up Psychology or education at the time, but my mom wants me to get a course related to computers, I took up Bachelor in Computer Science at STI. I even asked the other student-teacher what I should be taking in college. They said that they took up education because students come and go. Plus, education doesn't fade in time.

Then came June 11. I paid my tuition fee in full. I remember being at the front line, and it was hard for them to explain the semester thing because I don't know much about it. I paid it in the front line to one of the student assistants there. What a coincidence, her name is Jen too. I spent my days with my cousin and worked in my brother-in-law's law office at the start of the month. 

My father bought me a cellphone, it's Nokia 3310. During that time if you have that kind of phone, you are  already considered as one of the richest students. My brother-in-law asked me to work for him as a decoder because he is an editor in the tabloid, Bomba. He writes as an attorney-at-law for some of the concerns of the reader in his piece there. The first time I got my salary, it was 500. I was really feeling happy at that time. Five hundred was a huge amount for a teenager like me already.

My cousin, on the other hand, went back home to their house. They spent weeks having a holiday in our house at that time. When they were there, we usually spend our days having videoke sessions, watching movies and cooking some frozen goods that's available in our refrigerator. We even took them to Star City. My brother-in-law is one of the relatives of the owner of the city, and we take rides from there for free. 

It was only Danice, my niece who was born at that time, Ronnie was not yet born. It was the year 2000 when Danice was born. She gave light and love inside our home. I could say that she was an angel sent from above. She was really cute and adorable. Added to the fact that she is really that intelligent and witty. She would even dance whenever she heard the ringing tone knick-knack on my phone. We would play around with her, and she would never fail to amuse us in her own little way. She turned 1 in 2001 and the celebration was one of the biggest celebrations that we had in our home. There were some cameras and a lot of visitors from all walks of life. Of course, our relatives were invited to that celebration.

By the way, I was not able to mention that the first time I worked with my brother-in-law's law office was the day of feast for our patron St. Lourdes. It was May when I first worked as a substitute for his secretary. Before I left home, I already felt that something inside my tummy was not doing fine. But, I still left home and worked. In the middle of my time in the office, I suddenly had a loose bowel movement. I didn't know what to do, and I pooped inside my pants. I didn't know how I was able to go back home when that happened, but I finally arrived home and threw my underwear away somewhere. Yay!

April was the time my father arrived from Saudi Arabia. We had a lot of chocolates and perfume, plus the jewellery that he bought home for us. We fetched him at the airport, and we didn't even take him for lunch from there. I could feel that she felt so tired from the trip he had. He was staring at me as if he never knew me. That he couldn't believe that I am still alive. That makes me have some strange feelings. We gave some chocolates to our neighbour and some money to those who visited our father's home. It was also that month when my grandmother died from cancer. I was the one who the message from her sibling that she is gone.

At first, to be honest, I felt a little happy that she died. Mainly because she told my mom that she is not their relative. That my mom is only their maid servant. That she always scolds me and their family really didn't treat us as a family but as someone whom they control and take their orders with. At the end of the burial, I felt sad and cried. Because she died, having my bitterness. Suddenly, a cat with the face just like her appeared as I was crying. Cold air covered the room and I told the cat, "Sorry, Auntie Nora" I really felt sad with her loss because of the hatred that I still have with her even though she already died. I even looked at my neighbour and could see her face from her.

But, I moved on. As the days went on with the semester break. I couldn't think of anything to do but watch some movies and watch on our sky cable. I suddenly bumped into a dating channel and got a number that appeared still on the screen. Not only that, but I messaged the owner of that number and found out that his name is Yvan Marie Suballlos Dubal. Furthermore, I discovered that he doesn't believe in God. He may be his reason, but I ask him why. I even said that he should believe because maybe there must be something that would be lost if he doesn't. Our texting conversation has deepened. But, inside my mind, it's only for texting. Why would I get something serious if I only met someone by text? He might not be serious about me, either. Besides, if he were my boyfriend, he would be the first one that I could get. Even though I already had a text mate at that time, I still looked for another text mate. Suddenly, keeping a lot of text mates had become my hobby. Since I am always left alone at home and have no one to talk to. I enjoyed every moment I was talking to different people on the phone. Some would invite me to have phone sex with them and since I am still young and didn't know a lot of that stuff at that time, I would refuse their offer.

Among all of my text mates by then, only Yvan has marked in my heart because he was the first one I have been texting with. I would still hope that he had fallen deeply for me and up to now, I still think that he still thinks about me. I used the name Khyannah Martinez to hide my identity from him. Who knows? He is also not telling me his real name, right?

I did not really want a boyfriend at that time. All I need is someone I can talk to that really does not know me. During that time, we do not have a landline phone. I could just call a counselling number to tell them all that I am feeling. I never really felt sad nor depressed at that time. I just want a hobby to focus on, and I think talking to some people has become my hobby. Mind you, I never really left our house to be mingling with our neighbours at that time. Mainly because my father was that strict. He doesn't want us to see people roaming around the neighbourhood and see us as one of the neighbourhood's gossipers. 

I felt so bored and shallow that I just talked to these men in text and talked about our daily happenings. But at that time, I never tried selling anything in front of our house. What I only often do is cook cheese sticks and carbonara. The food I usually eat because I like creamy and cheesy stuff a lot. I even gave some to our landlord, but maybe he doesn't like the taste of it. He would spit the food and make me hear it as he did it. But I don't care, for me, my cooking is the best that I could ever taste. 

Since I thought that we were already graduates of high school, I asked my friend, Princess, to apply for a job anywhere. I am aiming to be a working student as we reach college. We wander around metro Manila and look for a job. But, since we were just young. No one has ever hired us and called us to be their employee. We ended up going to my mother's office to eat some food for free. Oh, it's not free at all because my mother would pay for it afterward. I tried looking for a job because I don't want to be a bother to both my parents. Although, I know they have the capability to send me to college and give me an allowance. We went home tired because we tried walking from Caloocan to Quezon City to Quezon City to Munoz to look for a job. I know I am already working as a decoder at my brother-in-law's law office, but I think the more formal job that I want would give me a decent earning more than what I am getting from him. I am only getting 500 or 300 from him every time he would ask me to go to his office to pass the questions from his readers. That wouldn't make me survive in college. That's what I was thinking at the time. Don't get me wrong, I am always after money but I think college is much more expensive compared to high school. Even so, my siblings have not been sent to college to get a degree.

It was June when we had our first day of school in college. I was wearing our uniform that looks like I am from another school which is Lyceum. To be honest, after all the months that have passed I am thinking of what course to take, I am still not prepared and ready to embark on a new chapter in my life in college. My uniform seems too large for me. It was very ill-fitting, and I couldn't move perfectly, plus the bag that I bought looks like I haven't moved on from high school yet. I saw my high school classmates there, Marilou and Jesus. Of course, they bullied me since they saw how big my bag was. They said that I haven't moved on from our high school years yet. What idea could I get from that? My siblings didn't take it. Oh, by the way, Jesus is my childhood friend. My mother told me that he would go to our house before asking me to go to church with him. I don't know if that's true. The only thing that I feel for him is something Platonic and nothing more. He courted a lot of women from high school, and that didn't make me feel jealous about it. Jesus then turned into someone I could rely on, up until now. He tried courting me when we were in college, but I don't think he was serious then. 

I was called by our cashier's office because surprisingly they said that I was not able to pay the tuition fee yet to them. I told them the whole thing that happened in the front line when I enrolled. Believe me! It made me feel so nervous. I thought I was scammed or something. I only saw Malou and Jesus with familiar faces there. Not including Gee-ann, who is also my childhood friend. Our friendship just vanished away as we were getting older. Before we hit the teenage years, Gee-ann and I had some childhood quarrels that were not resolved. Maybe that's the reason why she is ignoring me at that time. I don't know if she was shy or something. Then there's Marlon. We were seatmates in elementary days. I couldn't say a lot more than that. Marlon, is one of the top ten in elementary school and I know he is really intelligent. Malou and I were not really close during high school. She even listed me as one of the noisy students way back in elementary days. So, to cut it short, Malou and I have been sitting on the last part of the classroom, the subject then was Algebra. It was our first subject in college. Alleli, approached us. At first, I did not want to welcome her as one of my friends. I just don't feel like being engaged to her. We were three when we had our picture taken for our Identification Card, which we would be using for the whole stay in college. We introduced ourselves, and we were asked about our cellphone numbers. I didn't put mine in at the time. I just don't feel like giving mine. When Jesus saw that I had my phone, it was as if he was shocked that I had it. At the time, I was using Erickson phone that my sister got from his husband. I was hiding it because it was some sort of old model.

Coincidentally, our professor here was Erickson Relayson. An engineer from Mapua University. He looks like my childhood friend, Emong. That makes me want him. But he is not that approachable when it comes to me. I am not great at maths. I got 79 in the third grade of our school year in senior years, right? He even got my paper and gave me a sign that he would fail me because I am really not that good at his subject. It was the first time a professor has done that to me, so I couldn't forget the day he has done that to me. I felt ashamed of that part in my life. As if he knew that I have something romantic going on in my head with him.

The first day was so memorable then, I was lost because I didn't know where to eat. It was 12 in the afternoon, and I was alone because some of my classmates in high school, Jesus and Malou were having another class in their subjects. So, I decided to eat somewhere near. I couldn't recall how much I have spent eating kalderetang kambing for my lunch and what was the name of the carinderia where I ate my lunch. I was not really sure if it was really a cow or a dog. I just remember I ate somewhere along the road of Caloocan back then. I could only recall that the meat was not really that delicious to eat.

After I went back to the campus to attend the class, we introduced ourselves in front of our class with some of our subjects. To be honest, I really didn't recall how my day had ended up after my first day in college. All I know is that I am really a college student now. We met, Ate Julie. A transferee from AMA, the sister of Kathleen Limjuco. Kathleen seems to be that smart and intelligent, and she looks so rich and neat because she has a fair complexion like Kathleen, her sibling. They look like they have Chinese blood. But unlike Ate Julie, Kathleen was really not that approachable. Maybe because of the age gap. Then there's Candice and Smile. I could describe Smile as someone who looks like a snobbish girl but with a good heart, she looks like my grandmother, Auntie Nora. It's what I call her because she wanted to fool others that she was that young. Candice is someone that looks so naive. Mainly because of her baby face. They are a group of people that are good at Math, specifically Algebra. I was thinking if I didn't pass this subject, how could I pass the other math subject? Computer Science is composed of a lot of Maths. With closed eyes, I will try my best to continue my studies here since I am already here now.  

I got 7 subjects on that day. See how tiring my first days in college were. Our class started at around 7:30 in the morning then. I think I am going to go home by 8 in the evening. My first subject as I mentioned was Algebra, the other subjects were, Philippine Literature, by Ma'am Bonwel. Philippine History by Ma'am Corcega, P.E 1, I can't recall who our professor was on this subject, Data Structures, Communications Arts 1 and C++.  The moment we started studying the computer subject, I felt like I was an alien. I was thinking to myself. I know this course is not the right one for me because I was not interested in it at all. I want to be included as one of the tops in the class, I think my goal has been banished once again. I want to be part of the dean's lister. Oh, no! What am I going to do now? It seems like there are many students who are far better than me. But so to say, I was excellent at English. My professor of Communication Arts is Mrs Falculan, and I am one of her favourites from that class. I know I could do better in this subject. But, what about my math? What can I do if my professor in this subject hates me? I could never do anything about it because who am I going to ask for help to explain the numbers mixed with letters? I can only recall the logarithm class from Ma'am Tagura's is it is the exponent of the base. I even got the lowest score on our third grading in her subject. To be honest, that got me a little depressed, but I still moved on with my life. I was thinking that my professor from Algebra would consider me attending his class even though I was not really doing great with it.

Then came our subject in Philippine history. Ma'am Corccega was the next one to teach us today. She introduced herself to us and I found out that she was from the University of the Philippines. I was thinking, she has a high standard when it comes to her subject because she was a UP graduate, and I was not wrong about that.  I have set a high standard for myself, that much. I was not able to pre-empt that this would set me to a much deeper downfall later on. I knew from the start that Ms. Corcega didn't like me either. Maybe I appear like just an average student for her, unlike my other classmates. Who is Ate Julie and the gang. I was able to learn more about the basics of the computer with our Data Structure. Oh, wow! I am doing great on this subject on our first day of school. Modesty aside, I did not really have zero knowledge when it came to computers because I have enrolled myself before with those volunteers in our elementary days before, but I didn't pursue finishing it when they have discussed Boolean Algebra. We were paying fifty pesos in every class to attend this computer subject. See? I was not fantastic at Algebra. What do I know about it? If not only for my mom, I would not really pursue Computer Science. Mainly because I am not perfect at Math and I never knew that it is much more complicated than I thought it would be when we had our class in C++. I already know that Math would be the basic of this course, but I still pursue it, thinking that I could still survive Computer Science even though I was not good at it. I never knew that there existed other languages like Spanish and Italian. If only we had those, I would rather attend those classes than the computer languages they are teaching us.

I felt that I was alien learning the computer language. What do I know from stdio#include? I barely knew all of this thing in my mind but still kept on listening to my professor back then. Thinking that I could grasp it even just a little. I felt like a total idiot on this subject again. This is much worse than Algebra. How come those students I have been with could go with it and not me? Even if I study hard and teach myself those languages they are teaching at a school, I still couldn't get it. But I guess I need someone who would help me with it. Someone who understands the subject far better than me. But I couldn't find that person since I am still new here on this campus. Other than that, I don't have my own computer at that time to learn more about it. I could afford an expensive book but without application I couldn't learn much about it on my own. A lot of things have been done on the first day of school. I met a lot of people, and one of the people I knew from the first day of school was Alhson. He became friends with Jesus, and he was introduced to me by Jesus. He seemed like a cool and humorous guy to be with. I wasn't wrong about how I knew him. He was so jolly, he was one of the reasons why my life at STI has become so memorable. The school was so small that it needed another building to occupy a lot of students. We have an extension campus that is so tiring to walk through because it was miles away from the main campus. That's where we take our major subjects.

It was in our Algebra Class when I met her. She's late for our class. Looks like a classy and simple woman. Not one, uhm, I think I would be having a long term relationship with. Oh, by the way, her name is Alleli. A very simple woman, but I think... Well, guess what I think.

We spent a lot of days in our college in that well-known but not that exclusive school. We are always there whenever we go out for lunch or whatever. Until, my high school classmate, Malou, decided to go abroad and earn a living. That's when Alleli and I find time to get to know each other better.

We usually hang out in the mall. Since this girl is really that classy to be buying stuff in small stores or markets. The thing we always argue about. We treated each other like sisters. I even call her stupid in her face. I remember the exact phrase I told her when she often asked me questions about stuff. It was like, "You know every time I talk to you, I think I'm the smartest" But, she's just smiling at me because she knew it was out of my mouth when I said that.

We even have the same failed subjects. Especially in Algebra. We felt hurt that we both failed in the subject because we at least made an effort to attend this class. But we must admit that we are not that great when it comes to dealing with numbers mixed with numbers. We are just an accessory to the classroom, to be honest. If we only knew that we would both fail this subject, we should have just hung out in the mall and done the things that would make us both happy and entertained. By the way, our professor here is Sir Erick Relayson. A Mapua graduate. An engineer.

So there, you know about how somehow the situation we have been through has deepened our friendship. But you know, life is not always fair, and some things changed for a good reason. Things changed when we were in our 2nd term of college. She found another group and I was hurt. Another group of friends embraced me and told me to leave her. [That was che-che and the gang. A more notorious group that would open my eyes to another world in college] But, I still didn't leave her. I even made myself available for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on with her love affairs that I hardly knew. Haha!

It was Monday, yeah, right. I was late for my Visual Basic class. Rumor has it. Our professor here was damn handsome. They are right. But, there seemed to be something annoying about this person. I could feel that he doesn't like me. Well, that wouldn't change the way I look at him if he does.

He gave me a paper which is needed for the medical evaluation. I don't know what that's for. But he got mine, and it gave me a weird feeling. I put my other number there on that sheet. Of course, the ones which I personally use. Oh, by the way, I was working at my brother-in-law's office when I was 17. He's using my other number for his editorial piece in the tabloid, "Bomba".

So, it goes, as the day passes by. I never knew that I would develop a feeling like the ones I've got for this person. Not when my friend told me to get our profs number to text him and make him fall in love with me.

Believe me, it made my college days in that school very meaningful because of this professor. I even asked my friend to stalk him if he arrived in our school or if he's with someone and text him to pretend to be someone.

Until I couldn't take it anymore. I need to know where I stand. I need to know if we are having mutual feelings. I told him the truth behind me texting him as, "Paula". Then, he told me it was okay. But, I want to hear him say. It was okay, I loved you anyway. Hahaha!

He's my first love. Yeah! How could I forget that man that brought colour to my life?

It has always been my habit to seat in to another class while I was waiting for my other class to start. I seat in to Psychology class and I found it so amusing to listen. I never I knew I would shift right away.

I was in the middle of doing my thesis that time. I'm also in my practicum. I convinced my parents before they finally agreed that I should take education as my second course.

Then, I processed all the papers needed to transfer. Much to my surprise, our guidance counselor didn't want to give me my clearance because of the school I've chosen. By the way, I wanted to enroll to Adamson to take up Psychology there but I went back after choosing another school and she agreed. She told me, oh that school is a lasallian school now.

It was the summer of April when I enrolled, I saw that they are offering Psychology in their offered courses. Hmmm. The one I've been wanting to get way back to High School. I took it and started having my summer.

I'm so excited!

It was the summer of April when I started my class. I enrolled in three subjects. I remember enrolling for Rizal, World literature and other subjects I couldn't recall.  I don't know if those guys are having a crush on me or making fun of me because of how different I made my fashion. Likewise, I told myself, I would change myself entirely because I'm now in an exclusive school.

The days went well. I learned a lot, especially in World Literature. I met my friend, Ghab. Which then turned out to be one of my best college buddies. We would hang out in a cabana to have killed our time before we go into another subject. We had a lot of fun. Not only that, but we would go to a studio and take our pictures together there, and we sometimes hang out in their house if I have time.

All things has been entirely different. I'm dealing with a much younger classmates since this is my second course. As young as they would get. You know that they are much more aggressive than me.

I met a lot of young people in my class. As far as I can remember, it was Sam and Janeca with whom I was the first to close. We spent our days, usually having our stay, in our cabana. I am crushing someone and coincidentally his name is Gab too. He looks so neat and serious. But, what turned me off from this man is that he is not that intelligent when it comes to academic pieces of stuff. But, he always wants to hang out with Korean students. Maybe, because he has Chinese blood that looks evident in his facial features. I would ask Janeca to steal some photos of him when he is around and Janeca would print them and give them to me. But that admiration was not that serious. I don't like younger guys that much. I just like the way he looks. Of course, not something as deep as what I have had with the professor.

Janica know one frat member which is Ralph. Knowing this person would change a lot of things in me. I don't know if Janeca and Ralph had a romantic thing, but when they were together, it looks like they were couples fighting with each other. But I have to tell you one secret about Janeca. Ooopppp, it wouldn't be a secret anymore if I would tell you. I got you there.

I can't recall when Ralph asked me to join. All I know is that I take the initiative to join because I want to see the oblation run. The process was fast. There's another sorority that belongs to my colloquial language who invited me. But Alpha Phi Omega was fast. They gave me all the lectures and presented me to their sisters right away. I was hesitant at first. Who would want to be slapped right in front of your face just to belong to a certain group, right?

Then, there's a lot of my friends who are contracting my decision to join them. They say that I should choose a more wholesome sorority. My friend, Janeca told me that I should hide my Achilles heel because that's where they would cling. So, do I. I acted dumb all the way through the process, so they wouldn't know how smart I am. Some of my friends would cry upon seeing me being slapped at the cabana with my lords and ladies. This is Sam and Anie. Oh my, I really treasure these little sisters of mine.

So, then it goes, I passed the process. I am finally an APO member. That was in the year 2005 of October or 2006. I can't recall to be honest.

Then, I really don't know what part of my brain got a glitch when I finally passed their process. I did some crazy stuff like shouting in the middle of the class while the class was ongoing. I even shook hands with my fellow sister who's a prof at that university and went in front of her class and disturbed her.

Then, my father was called to the university to explain. Nobody knew I joined the sorority other than my friends. I don't know if I could go back to school again and face the consequences of doing that thing. So, I decided to stop for a semester.

The moment I did that crazy stuff in our university, I thought to myself that I've got nowhere to go. I stayed inside my room and thought too low of myself. All that crazy stuff that my lords and ladies have told me when I was their pledgee kept running inside my head. That, I would not amount to anything. That, I was a complete failure.

But, then again, I tried to recover. I read the Bible, and for the most part, I read it from start to finish. But, I think the devil was much wiser to me at that time. That, he's really jealous of me for trying to recover from what I have lost. Luckily, my churchmate at the church of Christ was there to support me. But, still, I think the devil was there to provoke me to do nuisance to ruin me entirely.

I was rushed into a mental facility by my parents because I am not myself any more. I was confined there for three days. But, it seems the pill they gave me got my condition much worse. I was robotic for a month. Yes! When I say robotic. I'm almost paralysed.

There are a lot of things running in my head. If I just told my parents that I joined the sorority would it change a thing as well as the main reason for my guilt, which is my having a small percentage for the tuition fee that they're giving me? To be honest, it accumulated a lot of things.

I couldn't bear to commit another mistake. Mainly because that was my second course. If I try to take another course, would I be able to finish it?

Second, I am a failure.

Third, how could I do crazy kinds of stuff like getting my parents money even if they showered me with all that they could afford to give me?

I'm so lost.

I was under medication for a couple of months. After that period, I went back to normal. I stopped my medication as my mother had advised me because she couldn't afford the amount of medication that I am taking knowing that she is the only one working for the family. But, it was just in my nature to do something worthwhile. So, staying at home waiting for the next semester is not my cup of tea and since my parents were hesitant to send me back to school because they were afraid if I would have my attack again, they said that I should rather work to help them with the growing expenses at home.

I tried several attempts to be hired in different companies. And since that time I wasn't really that competent at all, I received a lot of rejections. Nice! I faced one of my fears. One thing I'm thankful for. After several attempts of getting a job, I bumped into my high school classmate, and she told me that she knew one job hiring near her place. So, I applied. Luckily, I was hired as a Secretary. That was year 2006.

Since, I decided to take my medicines again because I'm afraid that I couldn't function normally any more. I was always sleepy at work and sometimes my head was always hanging in the clouds that made my boss terminate me. I even walk to and fro in the office when I feel bored that made them laugh about me.

Alright, another rejection. That was fine. I'm getting used to it little by little. I tried looking for another job again. But, I was not that lucky this time for another try. So, I stayed home. All I did was watch the noon time show, Eat Bulaga. My sister's gay helper wanted to see the dancers of the sex bomb personally, so I accompanied him to their studio. While we were waiting to enter the studio, I saw that there's an audition for their segment, "Kayang-kaya mo 'to" The jackpot price was good enough for me to continue my studies. So, I tried to audition. 

To my surprise, someone called my phone, I thought it was Pizza Hut. The company I applied for as a Customer Service Representative. I was shocked because it was the eat bulaga staff, and they said that I was chosen to play in June.

Come June, I was at their studio. It was only my family who knew I would be playing there. So, all of my friends who've watched me play there were surprised. Unfortunately, I was only the second placer. I got 3500 as a consolation prize which I paid for the silver accessories I bought in instalment and gave some to my father and my mom as well as my brother.

So, after that, since I always want to have my money on my own, I tried applying for another job. I tried several times to apply in a call centre. Since, my English is not that great, that time I've received a lot of rejections from those big companies. I decided to enroll at Philippine Women's University's CDCEC department for a call centre training. Luck was in favour of me at that time because the professor advised me on how I could get the training for free. She told me to go to Quezon City Hall and take the exam for that training. I got a passing score of 85 and took it in the month of September until November.

After I've finished my studies at Philippine Women's University, I applied at Teleperformance and I passed this time. That's another story. Read on...

I applied in Teleperformance after I got terminated in One Contact Solutions for not reaching the target sales. Yeah, I failed. I'm not really good at sales. I admit it. But, I'm more into giving good quality customer service, I guess. That's why I was hired at Teleperformance. The interviewer had a heart enough to hire me even though she found that my English wasn't that good enough. I admit, there are still some flaws with it until now. Haha!

I signed the contract around 11 pm. This is my second time working in a bpo. But, it still gives me the same excitement. Hello? TP is TP. One of the big four in BPO at the time. I was with Aniemae and Bev, but we parted ways going home.

My mother didn't believe that I was hired. So, the only money I had left in my pocket was only a hundred pesos. I don't know how I could make it go through the whole day. I just bought sky flakes which cost 14 pesos per pack. That would be good enough for my lunch up until dinner.

We had our medical at Medical City, and it was my first time to undergo such a process. I saw a stick by my side and was afraid it would be inserted inside my piece of triangle. Haha! Luckily, it was not. It was my first time to have a medical for work, so don't blame me for being so naive.

The first day of training was fun. We were advised to tell our story the whole day. My trainer got the letter I wrote and opted not to read it out loud because it was too private.

The next day, hmm. Of course, I already got enough money for myself. Because it's only then that my mom finally believed I already got a job.

Days passed. Christmas is coming soon. Prepared a Christmas carol for the client's who would visit us. Of course, I gave it my best shot to perform and sing the Christmas carol because they said we would be given a prize. But the sad thing is, we are not. Haha!

It was my first time working in a more humanely company. Well, I worked in sales before... So, you know how inhumane the people there are. Money is all they want. Unlike in TP where we are after providing good quality service.

We had a series of assessments, and I was given the chance to work as an email representative. I was sad because it means I got a low score on the exam. Low end as they say. That's why I became part of the email. But I still got my work. That's a great thing. Many people were not given the chance to work, so, I could still consider myself lucky. Especially during that time, working in a call centre is a very tight competition. I think I am still in for the millennial era. 

That was in December. So, we celebrated our Christmas party at Ultra. Wow! The first time I went to a concert. The beers are overflowing, but I don't drink that much. So, I am just after the food. To be honest, I was culture shocked. Mainly because I am not a party goer kind of lady. For hell's sake, I don't skip the Thursday and Sunday worship service, and we are not allowed to drink liquor and go to this kind of place.

Prior to experiencing the party, I had a suitor. Frank. I never knew he had a crush on me until they invited us for a drinking session. At first, I dumped him. For the reason that he's not my type. But those wave mates I had were pushing him towards me. They say I need a handsome boyfriend as long as the pocket is full. That would be fine.

Well, I tried having dates with him. But, I saw one thing that got me turned off. He's rude to the waiter. I was really disheartened when someone did that because my brother used to be a waiter and for me, if you did that to them, it's like doing it to my brother too.

He was wearing a sad face every day. Like, it's the end of the world for him. Still, I didn't give him a chance. Then, he threatened that he would serenade me in front of the class with my wave mates if I didn't say yes to him. Which he did.

I'm still not happy or touched by this gesture. For me, it's absurd. Or being romantic, that time is not in my mind. I'm just there to work. Nothing else. Besides, I don't like office romance.

So, then, we finished the training and were distributed it to our team leaders. I aced the first trimester of ranking. I was in the top 6. Furthermore, I was never happy because I wanted to be the first. But, I don't envy the first placers. I admire them. So, I often ask them questions when need be.

Going back to Frank. He was still an eager suitor after that. I said in the month of May but ended it in June because the project had finished, and I would go back to studies. I have a bonus for the amount of 12k PHP.  I think that's enough for me to pay my balance in school, so I could continue my studies.

It was June when I enrolled. At first, my parents were hesitant to send and allow me to study again because my mother just wanted me to work and help her since she was the only one working for us. My father was diagnosed with diabetes before he had planned to go to Australia. That was sad. But we moved on.

I paid my balance. Yes, I was able to pay for it. It costs nine thousand pesos or more. I was able to pay because of the salary I have with Teleperformance. I was getting eighteen thousand pesos every month from that. This does not include the incentives that we are getting. Plus the twelve thousand pesos bonus that we got after we completed the project-based account we had there, which is intuit.

I finally had my first day at school again. I met a lot of transferees. Mira, Mai, Cyngyn, and Loraine. Some of them are sophomoric students that became my friends. They were all beautiful. I was always a loner. I always see them hanging out together in our cafeteria, but I have no plans to be friends with them, since I know that being with a lot of friends could ruin my life again. Haha! It wasn't until Cyngyn asked me to join them, and since there's only one section for our psychology class. I think the only choice I had was to mingle with them.

As days passed by we are getting close to each other. We eventually knew each other's secrets and all. But you know, I keep my diary so all of them were there, so I don't have to tell it to anyone. I'm wise! Haha! Then, there's this new professor again. His name is John Hermes Untalan. My friends are laughing about his name because it sounds like a disease. That time, hermes bags weren't that popular at all. What do we know about it anyway? We are cowboys. Just like what our school represents. We only
know the common brand.

We then finally form ours as the days go by. We named it ABC. This was raised when we were having our class on the foundations of education and carotene mentioned and since we are AB Psychology students. We call it ABC.

We often gather at our cafeteria. We usually hang out in the mall and do weird things together and copy each other's answers during exams. Of course, we also have our drinking session and videoke session. We really got so close to each other. Literally, that we have seen each other naked and peep through the cabin of our restroom if someone is inside. That stuff.

But, not everyone is your friend if you belong to one group. One person might gossip about you to another, or anything. Or tell a secret that you tell to a person you didn't expect. Well, mine's not really a secret at all. But, it is still betrayal. Like, hello? Where's your common sense? I thought you were smarter than I ?

I had several great days with this group. But the thing I didn't like about them was telling their other friend that I am bipolar. I know that during that time, my disorder was not really accepted by society. Especially since I am a Psychology student and I have it. To think that they themselves discriminate against the other students that we have in our school for having this kind of disorder. I remember how they talked about our other schoolmates who had bipolar before knowing I also, was awful. I'm pretty sure that the way they talked about this girl was also the same way they talk about me with their friend. Their friend told me that these friends from ABC told her that I should be understood because of my disorder. If they are telling me that, how sure are they that they are not having any illness like I? Nobody's perfect.

The sad part is that they took side with their friend because this friend that they have is much richer than me. Who am I? What's the 4k for the drinking session that I've spent on the 10k that this girl could spend on them? To think that I have to lie to my parents that I need to pay for my on the job training at Philippine Women's University. I was just taking it at our university. To get a higher allowance.

I was devastated. So, I took revenge on social media. Accumulating wrongdoing that they've done to me that I just ignored, and they're telling me that I should be the ones understood rather than them when in fact they also did me wrong, but I let it pass? That's unfair.

I posted some scandalous posts on Facebook. Telling how we call our teachers behind their backs. I was called to the dean's office, which was eventually resolved by my father. If not for my father, I wouldn't have graduated for the batch 2009.

I was asked to give a public apology by my prof and take back the words I've said. Which I did. Just to end things. Rumours have it that a professor wanted to sue me. Oh! Come on! If I were the one facing them, I could have said go ahead.

I was able to graduate with my course after the scandalous post I have made at school. I was able to win the battle mainly because I asked for God's guidance at that time. I called 700 club to pray with me, so I could graduate. I forgot the name of the person who prayed for me. But, one thing I would be thanking her for is because of her job that I was able to finish Psychology. I was glad that my friend, Bern, got the award for the best thesis in our batch. They found my make-up that time to be somehow ridiculous. Maybe, because they are not used to me wearing make-up. But, after I looked into my graduation pictures, I still looked my best. To tell you honestly, I was having a hard time walking that time because the pair of sandals I bought didn't fit my feet that much because I just bought them in rush. 

I'm thankful that despite all the challenges I went through. I have bipolar disorder. My not so luxurious life during college. I haven't mentioned that I need to go to the nearest computer shop to finish my assignments and do my thesis. To think that my mother's salary was only five thousand pesos at that time. My problems with my friends and professors were resolved. All because of the person who prayed for me and all those people who helped me get through it. I don't have a heavy heart with my friend who betrayed me. I still wish her well. That she could still be well and sound at night, that she triggered my disorder to cause me to post that stuff on social media. Maybe I was just really lucky that I have loving parents and even though some of my previous friends have left me because of those posts, others remained by my side. To accept that people are not perfect like God. 

I am thankful for the people who had been a part of my college life as well as my high school life that made me this way now. Especially those professors and teachers who believed in my ability and embraced my flaws. To the person who tried not to continue the lawsuit that's waiting for me, that's Ma'am Chu. I can't thank everyone enough for being so kind to me.