Only God Knows

Please forgive me for my bad thoughts. I cannot almost handle the pain, I'm broken, and it hurts deep inside. I sometimes think of doing bad things to end everything when my anxiety attack, I'm feeling like I carry the whole world, and I cannot control myself, and during the daytime, I thought everything is okay but when night comes the pain is digging.

As of this moment, I can't sleep and it's morning already.

I like to unwind outside but I don't have money to buy something, I'm emotionally pocket-empty inside, how painful it is.

It's 1 month after my baby disappeared, but I still can't forget the pain, I sometimes think of what-ifs, but we cannot turn back time, so helpless of me.

Sometimes I asked, why? Why did this happen to me, am I that very bad to surpass all kinds of pain?

Am I that careless person to didn't see those coming tragedies?

Am I this stupid woman not prepared for misfortunes?

Hays😥 so heavy heart, I sometimes think of running away from everything and putting myself in the hard heavy rain and swaying with the storm and pouring out my bursts so that nothing or no one didn't notice my hurts and not judge me with their two dirty eyes and mind. But I cannot do that because it's cold and I can't dealt with it.

So painful that I want to travel all alone far away from everyone but I can't because I don't know how to drive and I don't have wheels, and the fare is expensive.

So hurt that I want to eat fully in stomach just to divert my emotions in a restaurant but I am in an rural area and the restaurant is far away and i don't have budget for it.

I'm knocking in your kind hearted heart to support me in my little wishes, joke✌️

I know

God knows everything, every pain, every struggle, every rocky roads that we walk, every slippery roadside that we run, every battle that we fight and every hardship we encountered.

I know

God did not give us problems without thinking that we cannot surpass all of those.

He is challenging us through problem so that our faith in him will remain.

He's there always, watching and guiding us.

He's there walking and holding our hands to fight.

He's there to fulfill his promise and not living us in a longer period of pain.

He's there giving hope, courage, and love.

He's there through his disciples in the face of people around us that extending their hands to help.

He's there...

Just trust the process and not to surrender.

I'm sorry for all the mistakes that I commit, for not following the right path, for dis obeying your will, for doing bad to anyone and for challenging others without thinking that it is not good.

I know, that you know everything inside in me.

• I know, that he knows

Ps: Here I am again, sharing my pain

Only God Knows