Lost Angel

'I am pregnant.' This news spreads like wildfire in where I work and everyone is excited. My team, colleagues and even some higher managers who are dear to me sent their congratulatory messages. On the other hand, my families and his families are happy too!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost seven years at that time. Everybody is expecting that we tie the knot sooner. We've talked about those plans and we're about to prepare when an unexpected blessing arrived. Exactly two weeks after his birthday, we found out that I am carrying our first child. Everyone is as excited as us. Both families and relatives, best friends and colleagues are happy for us. It was an easy first trimester for me. No morning sickness, no complications, no sensitivity to a particular scent. I am not lazy, always felt good during the first trimester. But as just as we thought that everything was going accordingly to our plan, an unforeseen event happened.

It was April 2017, after the Holy Week break from work I had an appointment with my OB-Gyne. It was the first time that I went for a checkup on my own. I was always accompanied by my partner during my prenatal checkups. He had worked so we decided that he will just follow me to the hospital after his shift. So I went inside the room and talked with my OB-Gyne. Everything seemed normal. Before I leave, she asked me to lay down to check my baby's heartbeat. She had a hard time finding his heartbeat. She started to ask me questions like if I had an accident or was sick the weeks before I went there. I said none. I was completely okay. She advised me to have an ultrasound to check my baby's heartbeat because she can't find one.

I was stunned when I heard her say that. I know something was wrong. As much as I wanted not to think negatively, I can't. I went down to the Ultrasound room and scheduled for one. I immediately informed my partner about what happened. I waited for my turn. Nervous and more afraid, I entered the room and the procedure happened. While the doctor was checking my tummy, she asked the same questions that my OB asked so I answered the same. Then she finally blurted out the news every mother's fear, my baby is dead.

I thought it only happens in movies but it happened to me too. My time stopped. For a moment the only thing I can hear is the last four words the doctor said. I didn't feel anything too. I was dumb, deaf .. nearly dead. She touched my hand that made me come back to at least a normal state. She asked me if my partner is with me or someone with me, and told her none. I can see in her eyes that she was sorry. She never wanted to tell me the news but she had to that's her job. She explained that maybe the baby's heart is too weak that she didn't make it.

I was in my 16th weeks but my baby was only on her 13th weeks. I went out of the room and immediately called my partner to tell him the sad news. He was already on his way to the hospital at that time. I was patiently waiting for him in front of the Ultrasound room. I can't feel my feet so I didn't walk too far. He finally arrived and the next thing I can remember is that I was crying on his chest as he hugged me. I can also hear him crying but he continues in saying encouraging words to soothe what I was feeling.

What I thought the biggest blessing turned out to be one of my worst nightmares. How can a mother accept that she just lost a child inside her? How can a parent move on from this kind of tragedy? Why is it me? I have so many questions for Him. I was never prepared for this kind of situation. I never imagined, to be honest.

No words can describe how painful it is to lose a child. For a mother who loses her child in her womb, it is tragic. Devastating. I cried every night blaming myself. Unending questions, unanswered why's. I reached the point that I don't want to go back to work and just be in the world where I was at that moment. All I wanted those times were to vanish and be with my little angel but reality hit me. I just woke up one morning realizing that I may have lost our angel but I realize that I still have my heaven.

My partner and I decided not to push through with our wedding that year. We let ourselves heal from the pain that this incident has caused us. It was not an easy journey. The pain, the agony they will haunt you until you forgive yourself. Accepting the fact that it wasn't my fault that I lose her is hard to do but I should.

For me to continue living, I need to lift myself. I am pretty sure that my little angel doesn't want me to be wasted. So I gathered myself and decided to live my life again. I started working again. I chose to be away from my old office so I can breathe. That place reminds me so much of my baby because most of my friends are also pregnant at that time. I also started to read books about life and love. Reading words of encouragement and positivity helped me to think better and be calm. My faith in Him grew even stronger than before. My family and some friends were also a great help in my healing process. And of course, the support and love of my partner who chose to stay beside me and never made me feel that I was in charge of the incident.

Losing someone dear to you is never easy. Let yourself cry, be numb, be mad if that's will make you feel a bit better. Those are normal. For us to move forward from unwanted loss, we need to accept first that things will never be the way they used to be. Hold onto your faith. Let Him be your light in the darkest path of your life.

Right now, I am happily married to my partner and we have now one adorable baby. In the end, I realized that not all things will go out the way we wanted them to be. To my angel, you may gone too soon in this world but never in Mommy's heart.

Lead image from Unsplash