I love you! This magical phrase is often a seal of endearment, one that is supposed to prove that we are willing to go all in, delve in deep and sacrifice everything, blood, sweat and tears for our partners.
This phrase is often the premise on which many romantic relationships are started, and one on which many marriages are built and are supposed to thrive.
If we aren’t talking about arranged marriage (which I am sure you know we aren't), it is a given then that some form of attraction has to occur between you and your lover, there has to be a spark, chemistry – love, and these are the first sentiments that start the natural progression of a romantic relationship and ultimately marriage.
At first, it is all that seems to matter, all that is needed, you know. I am sure you have heard "I love you and that's all that matters" once or twice in your life. You might have even said it yourself or have been at the receiving end. It can be such a powerful proclamation, a show of faith and loyalty, but without other major ingredients needed to build and sustain such marriage, that's all it will end up as, merely a show.
The emotion that we call love is fleeting, what we continue to enjoy in the long term after love happened isn’t the same love that happened all those many years/months ago. Something different must have come in; something different must have been built on top of that very fiery emotion. New elements of endearments must have come into the equation to cement the first emotion we felt, the one that started the whole thing. But in the unfortunate event that no other good virtue or element is built, the first emotion we felt, becomes too weak a foundation to hold the weight of the relationship.
At the end of this article, we may even end up with the realization that love is not as paramount in relationships and marriages as we give it credit for. But we are not going to jump the gun here; we would first of all input all other ingredients and see what is cooking.
Money as an ingredient:
I know this looks very obvious, and yes, I know money grants you unlimited access in life, but it is deeper than that. But I am not talking about that kind of money, I am not talking about riches, you know, Forbes-list worthy kind of wealth. I am talking about the kind of money that guarantees you know where your next meal is coming from, the kind that makes it possible to pay your bills and meet your immediate needs, the kind that makes sure you live a dignified life.
The presence of money glosses over some of the petty tendencies that you might never think a person possesses. The true nature of our being is made plain when we are in need, when we are lacking.
Money carries so much weight and influence, you can't even begin to imagine it if you have never been in a financially constrained romantic relationship. As a man, you tend to lose a shred of the respect you command from your partner and as a woman, you become so dependent on your man that you lose your voice and capacity for opinions and suggestions. Imagine a situation where the money isn't even coming in from either one of you, maybe for some unforeseen reasons we may not be able to relate with.
This is where you find out that the challenges that face a family with money are usually different from those faced by the family without it.
Not being able to pay rent on time, pay tuition fees; medical bills etc are some of the recipes for nagging and bitchiness in a house without money. Love wouldn't hold out for too long in an environment like this, even love needs money to flourish.
Personality Compatibility as an Ingredient.
There are lots of things you cannot find out about your partner during the courting season, no matter how long it might have lasted.
Like I wrote earlier, the human is a very complex and complicated being and you can't know him to the latter.
Knowing enough about your partner and their personality is as essential as love and money because you have to be sure what you can or can't tolerate and cope with before going in.
As an extrovert, you might find your partner's introverted personality annoying and you might even view it as a disability if you do not understand it, especially when you have the impression that activity equals productivity. It gets worse if your introverted partner isn't bringing any money at the moment. Both personalities ought to complement and cancel each other out, but the difference in personality can also become a hindrance to a strong healthy union.
As a person that has OCD, how do you cope with a partner who doesn't take personal and general hygiene seriously? How do you cope with the demands of a partner that has OCD?
These are some of the things you might not be able to detect during your courting period. As an organized person, how do you deal with a partner that trashes the house without making any kind of effort to clean up after themselves?
These might all sound minute and insignificant, but it compounds and in the long run becomes noticeable and thus problematic.
Sacrifice & Compromise as Ingredients
Life is not a bed of roses, there are ups and downs in life, even in our own individual lives, we sacrifice and compromise a lot just to get by. We work 9-5 jobs to put food on your tables, when we find ourselves working under annoying and insufferable bosses, we chose to be patient and persevere, because maybe the salary is good and we wouldn't want one annoying boss to spoil it for us, or because we have no other option so decide to make do. Whatever the case might be in the office and working environment, the same virtues and sentiments are required in the marriage institution.
They say familiarity breeds contempt, but what is a romantic relationship without familiarity? What do you do to make sure the familiarity between you and your spouse isn't the type that has been made popular over the years? What you do is, learn to manage their excesses and shortcomings, just as they do yours. You learn to be patient with them, deal with their mess when they are sick and incapacitated; you manage them as you would a toddler. This with time becomes a lifelong practice, one on which the long term fate of your marriage might rest upon.
In marriages and other romantic unions, we spend a lot of time agreeing to disagree, breaking up and making up, compromising, sacrificing and being patient, after all, we are dealing with people with varying personalities, different family backgrounds, political views and all whatnot.
Having outlined and discussed these many essential ingredients responsible for a stable marriage, we can boldly say that love alone isn't enough. Build a relationship with love, money, sacrifice & compromise, personality compatibility, then take away love, I am sure no one would notice because money and the rest of the ingredients would certainly keep things rolling and keep everyone busy. But, leave love and take away money and all of a sudden you can smell trouble. Leave love and money and take away sacrifice & compromise and you face the potential of unrest in the family.
However you look at it, love is not the be-all and end-all of marriage, so if you are getting into one, you better enter prepared.
Most times love is not the only thing that's needed