Presencing the now, searching Focus and security

I am feeling heavy. Heavy on the inside. I am holding my breath and filled again like a balloon with these feelings of fear and confusion. I am tired. I feel like the balloon is getting filled and getting super heavy. Thankfully, witnessing it all allows me to take a deep exhale and release the heaviness and tension a bit. I feel like I keep coming to this place of not being able to figure it out. Feeling this huge pressure, as if my survival is at stake. And it does feel like that. I feel like I am in that a rock and a hard place. I find my focus for a moment and then it's gone again. It's like constantly starting from scratch remembering what I forgot to remember but with enough space in the way that feels like constantly standing at the start line. I feel like I haven't even moved an inch for many years.

I know that's not true. But it feels like it in these moments.

I am realizing the rewiring of the programing and the recalibration and upgrade of the internal OS is coming from an unfamiliar place and trying to think and do from an old paradigm dynamics just isn't gonna do it. Yet being in this in between space and feeling the urge and the desires of the past plus the existential primal instinct and reality of modern day "gotta pay rent, bills and make money for livelihood" fills the balloon yet again with the air of confusion and fear.

It is that 64th Gene Key at my Purpose Sphere and I am yet again immersed in it's shadow of confusion. I remember that the antidote is the it's gift and Imagination and the only way to transcend it is to allow for the pressure of the alchemizing of the elements of all of the emotions swirling within is to allow myself to be the witness with neutrality.

Yeah, there is frustration. I would have thought by now something substantial and solid would have landed and stuck with me coming from this imagination propelling me forward with a feeling of purpose and mission... instead I keep on coming back to this place... this place of forgetfulness. Because there indeed has been lots of ideas and passions that have arisen. And yet... It is my inability to focus... I am working on that. It is requiring quite the effort... I am looking for that traction. For that momentum... in the process, clearing the way, decluttering, clarifying the path to that launchpad.

I will find my focus. I will understand what it means to focus and embody the archetype of the synthesizer for the future of collective wellbeing and rebirthing of civilization. And I trust I will figure out the way to pay my bills and have the resources to support me to be me and let my imagination run wild.

I've been sick for the last few days and was thinking this bug would move through me faster than it actually has been. I envision by tomorrow the congestion would have cleared hopefully closer to 100%. I am grateful that I woke up and I could swallow without a pain in my throat.

I've been in contemplation after looking up the spiritual energetic root cause of sore throat and respiratory issues... defined as inability to speak ones truth and having a hard time and feeling threatened to breathing in life fully!

So I take deep breaths and I will let it all flow here. It's for the highest and best good of all.

All of our Great Work is.

Writing this, which is more of an evening pages before bed has already helped me feel lighter.

I will sit present and go further with the sensations in my heart and my belly and my buzzing head. I envision being washed in golden light within and all around and pray that angels hover over me tonight as I go to sleep and only beings of light who are here to support me accompany me. I pray that in my sleep my wellbeing is restored fully and that I am given the clear answer to what my focus is. And so it is.