Love, First Dates and Life

Disclaimer: I wrote this article for a friend who wrote about love and why she can't find any. And this is my response. It is tough love. I know that. But usually, the uncomfortable truth brings us further than comfortable lies. However, keep in mind that everything I wrote comes from a place of good intentions.

And yes, writing any of this may backfire on me in a major way. As you probably know the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Let's hope this is helpful to her.

Anyway, here we go.

Hello my friend,

I really love your article and I enjoyed reading it. And it does have some truth to it. Yes, you are technically correct that it's much harder for you to do certain things due to your circumstances, but I believe the reason these men were disappointed when they first saw you was something else. (And of course, it's kind of a moonshot to try to analyse that half a world away based on a few articles I read written by you. 😅 But maybe it's a lucky analysis.)

You wrote that they knew your true self before they met you. By writing that you probably meant that you told them about your physical limitations. And yes, maybe it only hit them when they met you in real life, but I believe that they pretty much knew what they should expect - and they consciously made the decision to try. Therefore, I don't think that this is the actual reason for what you describe as a disappointment which you noticed in them.

I believe that men like feminine women. And in order to be and act feminine, you need to love yourself. Because when you do, it really shows. In your behaviour, in the way you act. Put aside your insecurities and your preconceived notions that men won't be interested in you - and be open for luck to happen to you. Because when you believe that something will fail, it definitely will fail.

I believe that your behaviour in these dates probably didn't come from a place of excitement about the good things that may happen. I believe you always had these doubts in your mind. Or even the conviction that the date will probably not lead anywhere. Ask yourself: Did you feel strong, attractive and sexy during these dates? Or did you feel insecure, vulnerable and out of your comfort zone? And ask yourself what is more attractive to men. A woman who actively flirts with them - or a woman who probably hides her insecurities and acts cold and possibly even manly? (Please forgive me if I'm guessing wrong. As I said, this is just a guess. 🙈)

I know all of the above is easy for me to say and hard for you to follow. In fact, it is even hard for me to follow my own advice - as I'm struggling with insecurities myself. Who isn't? We all have a past. And in this past we all probably experienced something traumatic. But fvck that. You are not your past. What's done is done. And what happened shouldn't limit what you're doing now.

Another life lesson m that took me decades to realise is that a date is not a job interview. You're not there to show how smart you are and how capable you are of doing the job of being a girlfriend or boyfriend. (That's literally how I went on first dates for decades - and needless to say, they led nowhere. 🙈) The first date is about building physical attraction. To get butterflies. To enjoy yourself.

By the way, it's also a good idea not to have a checklist of things you expect from your possible future partner. Do you want kids? How many? What do you think about marriage? And so on. - All of this is important, but they are not good topics for the first date. First of all, you have to figure out if you like each other and feel attracted to each other. And once you both see that you could work as a couple, it's good to find all of that out little by little.

And hey, yes, it's true. Some men like physical activities. Maybe even most men do. But not all of them. And not all the time with their girlfriends. Maybe a man who works a physically demanding job just wants to chill in his freetime. (I know I do. 😅🙈) I believe that your limitations are not actually holding you back nearly as much as you believe they do.

People commonly give the advice to just be yourself. Of course, that's BS, because it's never wrong to work on yourself and improve yourself. Instead of saying "just be yourself" I'm saying "become yourself". Figure out what you want. And try to achieve it, but accept your limits. Be happy with yourself, learn to love yourself and I'm sure that you will find someone. But please don't get too many ideas about love from Hollywood or even Disney movies. These are just as realistic as movies about Santa Clause or talking animals... 😅

But that is probably a topic for another article.

Best wishes,

Martin