Growing up queer - learning to unlearn the self hate.

I’m jealous of people who are effortlessly comfortable in their own skins. Especially those who never had to go through subconsciously internalizing the shame that came with getting bullied for being different.

Every time I look in the mirror, I am filled with full confidence about my looks. But once the proof is out of my face, in comes the self doubt and the barely suppressed self loathing that was forced into my mind as a gender non-conforming child.

Was I really bullied into hating myself? Or did I judge myself too harshly for not blending in nicely and fitting the beauty standards that “girls” are supposed to mesh right into?

Maybe a little bit of both.

Up until 3 years ago I was still trying so hard to alter my gender expression so I could fit in a little more, if not completely. And hating myself a little more because nothing is working.

20 years of believing I’m ugly because I don’t look like a “girl” wrecked havoc on my self esteem. The insecurity was extreme. It affected every single facet of my life.

I hid myself, I didn’t want to been seen, feared being perceived because I believed I’d be judged, cast aside, weighted against the beauty standard and found lacking.

Couple that with being naturally quiet and hesitant to be fully vulnerable enough to genuinely connect with people and you have a very lonely person. Of course that reinforces the idea that I am somehow unlikeable (as crazy as that is).

It took therapy, hours of journalling and finding a community to unlearn most of the self hate. But I am at the point now where I completely believe that I don’t have to change anything about me for my identity to be valid, for my humanity to be respected.

My worth should not be determined by how much I fit into the gender binary or how strictly I follow traditional gender roles.