There is no doubt that divorce is a misfortune in all its forms and one of the tribulations that we always pray to God to distract from our homes, but at the same time, unfortunately, it may be a solution for many families and a safe way out of a life filled with pressure, disputes and many problems, but before making The divorce decision There are several important questions that you must know in order to make the right decision.
Divorce, although one of the most difficult solutions is not the worst, but rather a life that lacks stability, love and affection among its members, but are all disputes their only solution is divorce?
Can you take this decision simply like this without thinking about the other parties?
What are the signs you see in deciding that a divorce has become necessary?
And many questions that need answers, and it is certain that they are going on in your thinking day and night, and today we will try to help you thinking orderly, and by asking specific questions and answering them, so that you can make such a decision, and the second part of the article will talk about how to get Divorce or separation security, especially in the presence of children.
Questions that must be known before deciding to divorce
There are many questions that you must know before making the divorce decision in order to make the right decision, and among the most prominent of these questions is when can I think about the divorce decision, as well as whether your marriage was real or is it just a social form, and other important questions before making the divorce decision Or think about it.
1- When can I think about a divorce decision?
Most of the married couples had a time and the idea of divorce occurred to them, but when does thinking about it become necessary?
Not with every problem we necessarily resort to this solution, but when does it become inevitable?
There are many people hastening to this decision, perhaps because of their inability to go through the experience of reform, which is not the easiest, of course, so they resort to this solution.
On the contrary, others think about divorce and do not dare to make this decision, although it may be the best decision for them.
The question now is when do I start thinking, or at least re-evaluate the relationship?
And sometimes the decision for the other party or even just thinking about it is a shock.
How did the idea come to your mind in the first place, regardless of the problems we face.
Everyone suffers from problems and endures, no one thinks about destroying homes and starts to throw accusations.
It is necessary to ascertain what you want before engaging in a conversation like this with the other party, as for the answer to our question, you will find it as follows:
Signs that make you think about divorce
If you wake up unhappy because of the other party.
If you are thinking of someone other than your partner, and if you are afraid to speak in the presence of your partner.
If you find yourself isolated from the world, separated from your family, retired from your job and unhappy with this.
Of course, if you are exposed to violence in any form, verbal, sexual, psychological or physical.
If you are blaming yourself for every word you say or every action you take.
If you are repeatedly being betrayed.
If you live in any of the previous states, then you should start thinking about this decision, and this does not mean that the result is done, but rather just starting and we have to make sure after that the degree of correctness or lack of the decision.
2- Before deciding to divorce, ask yourself: Do you have feelings for him?
You have to be very honest with yourself before everyone else. This will not be easy, and it may take you some time to discover it.
Many of those who want to divorce still have feelings for the other party. Perhaps the love still exists in some way, or at least it is still a part of you that loves it.
It is necessary, before proceeding with the implementation of your decision, that you know the answer to that question as accurately as you can.
Within the torrent of problems and responsibilities, we may imagine that we have stopped loving the other party, but perhaps not.
In this case, our decision may be completely incorrect and the distance for a period is a good step to discover the best solution for everyone, before our hearts are broken and we lose more through the terrifying details of the divorce.
So if you still have some feelings for your partner or even don't know exactly what you're feeling from the pressure, you should stay away.
The distance for a period may be an ideal step and a perfect fit for that stage.
3- Before making the decision to divorce, ask yourself whether your marriage was real or was it just a social form?
The number of spouses is not counted in our country, but the most important question is, have we ever had a real marriage?
Or was it just a social form in front of people with joy and ceremony, and a house in which you live together, sharing the bed, the trip, the days, and perhaps we have children.
And during all this we did not have a real marriage, we never thought of a family or a complete entity made up of two, three or four individuals.
We also did not care about the other party’s issue or ask about its needs, and we did not assign responsibilities or talk about duties, and we did not do anything of this. We did as people do.
And when we have matured enough, we discover that this is not life, that our life will pass and we have not experienced sharing and life on the family level.
In some cases, too, the party considering divorce is the party entirely responsible.
And he is also responsible for participating in securing the livelihood to raise children, take care of the home, organize responsibilities and buy what the family needs, even entertainment programs are the ones who set them.
And also he spends days calculating the cost and searching for suitable programs for the available amount.
And the other party does nothing but save some money, which causes it to explode at a certain point and cannot continue.
It is like swimming while you are loaded with weights in a rough sea, no matter how full of feelings it is, fatigue will eventually overcome it and resort to a decision that may not be in anyone's interest at all.
4- Before making the decision to divorce, ask yourself, has the life between you and your partner ended, or is there still hope?
The second question, after you have reached the stage of thinking about the decision, if these previous signs are present, then most of you are those who think about this matter day and night.
And it comes to your mind whenever you look at two partners with mutual understanding.
But the decision is difficult and starting to implement it requires enormous energy in order to be able to go through all that war and completely drain your energy and resources and accept the loss that may not be easy.
And for science, there is no person or healer in the universe who can assert that you must make such a decision, whether or not to divorce.
G. Also, there is no person who can make those decisions except you.
But it is only aids and signals to bright spots so that you can take the appropriate decision.
But in the end, let's be realistic, the decision is not easy, and only you will bear its consequences.
So only you can make the decision, but let us help you if you want.
And before making a final decision on that issue, you should think that is there still anything you can do to save this family?
And did you do everything you could?
At least, so that you do not regret going through all the painful details during the divorce journey and beyond.
Therefore, to answer this question, we will enumerate for you what can be done in the first step to save your marriage, or at least to find out that there is no longer a way to something else.
So don't start thinking about it until you take the next steps.
A- Talking with the other party about the problem and its causes
The natural thing in the sacred relationship, which basically aims for a long life, is for the conversation to be connected between the two parties.
However, in some relationships, communication may be lost and they cannot have a full, constructive dialogue.
But in all cases, you must reach that dark area, which is to talk to the other party about the problem that led to your explosion.
And trying to explain that you can no longer tolerate coexistence with that problem, and that it is necessary to think and work together to find a solution.
But always remember that when talking about the status quo, talk about your feelings and not the mistakes of the other side, no matter how angry you are, always remember that this is an attempt to save the situation and not a match to prove who is wrong.
For example, say that you recently felt that you were alone all the time, or that you were afraid or you became unhappy and did not feel safe.
Whatever your feeling, be specific in expressing it without making an accusation, for example if you feel fear as a result of exaggerated anger attacks from the other party, do not say you are constantly angry and screaming and make me in a state of tension and fear.
But say, I feel afraid and I cannot communicate always and we need to talk about the reasons for this.
Of course, this is an example of a problem that may seem simple, but if it disturbs its owner, no problem should be underestimated.
The response of the other party always clarifies whether there is hope for treatment, or you need another stage of attempts.
B - Listening to the other party
In most problems, the other party may be under pressure and thus behaving inappropriately.
Therefore, talking with the other party about how they are feeling, may be one of the most important things that can be done at this stage.
You will try to talk about how you no longer have feelings that are suitable for the completion of the marriage and that you feel that there is a big gap.
And the feeling of that may be due to the problems you are experiencing and I leave it to him if he wants to talk.
But if he opens his heart and speaks, and this will undoubtedly be good, do not try to interrupt him, or deny what he may feel even if you see in it injustice to you.
Listen to him with real sincerity and try to overcome the desire to boycott, it will undoubtedly be strong.
You are going through a conversation in a dangerous phase in your relationship, but try to focus on the idea that it is all about healing.
What if what he said, you will return to respond, but after good listening.
And believe me, in most of the problems you will discover a huge amount of misunderstanding and interpretation of situations from two sides with two completely different points of view.
So, be patient and make every effort to save the situation, as it is undoubtedly worth.
T- Hiring a specialist to help
If the dialogue between you failed, matters became complicated, and if you sincerely tried to reach a solution and found denial from the other party, or you faced a revolution of anger or even ignorance and mockery of your feelings.
You have to reach the second step, which will start the conversation as well.
There you will show that whatever the matter to you is not important or not within the circle of your interests, but that the problem for you is real and needs a real and immediate solution.
Therefore, if you are ready or have the desire to save the remainder of your marriage, you must seek help from a professional.
There are people whose field of work is to help couples who want to save their marriage.
But remember always not to try to seek help in solving your marriage problems from a friend or girlfriend or a relative in the two families.
Completely move away from acquaintances and relatives and go to the specialist, and they are available and their prices are different.
And some of them accept support if you need to.
But it is necessary for both parties to agree to do that step, and there must be a strong desire on both sides to do so.
The desire of only one party is not sufficient.
5- Before making the divorce decision, ask yourself, are you ready to make the decision?
If you really made every effort to the best of your ability and the partner did not help you, or he tried with you and you were not able to reach results in the interest of continuing and all efforts failed to save the situation.
You now have to think about are you able to bear the consequences of the decision?
And are you really ready to delve into all the details of a divorce?
The psychological pressure may make us think of nothing but escaping by ourselves and escaping from those pressures, which is a natural thing, which is the survival instinct.
But good thinking is necessary. Are you really ready for that step, can you be financially independent?
If there are children, how will you deal with them? where do they live ? and with who ? And how will their relationship be with the other party?
The matter needs more preparation, which includes many pictures, for example.
A- Financial preparation
Are you willing to live independently in your own home, or will you return to the family home, which is pressure from another party?
You really need to answer this question, which is followed by other questions if you want to make this decision.
Of course, this is not a matter of intimidation or exaggeration at all.
The idea lies in realism and calculating each step before making a decision for many parties without accounting for every detail.
This does not mean that your decision is inevitable or that no other solution is possible, and we ask you to cancel it on the grounds of realism and calculations.
But you just have to find a way out or a solution, nothing in the world deserves to waste your life in eternal misery or emotionally draining or the ugliest thing that you are subject to violence.
But you only have to find solutions before starting the implementation. If you are not working, then you have to find work to sponsor you.
As well as searching for housing and thinking about what is best for children, and you have to bear in mind that divorce changes people.
B - Psychological preparation
While delving into the details of the divorce, expect that you will find someone other than the one you were completely with, if he was a good person.
And the reasons do not relate to his person, let alone whether his person or bad character is the problem.
The matter is progressively worse. Therefore, it is necessary to prepare well, and perhaps also openness to accept concessions, and emotional or psychological readiness should not be ignored.
You will have to go through the many details that need your full psychological energy.
And you will have to stick together in front of everyone, especially if there are children, so they should not feel any of the problems, no matter how big.
T- Community preparation
The term may sound strange, but before delving into this sea, you are in dire need of support from those around you, your acquaintances, your friends.
Of course, you do not expect much. This decision in our country is among the angry and completely unpleasant decisions even if they are necessary, even if the marriage is in front of them in a state of complete death and the parties are all affected.
But try to find someone who supports you and talk to relatives if they will not support the decision, then at least silence is their position.
There is no need for them to take a counter stance and increase the pressure at the time, talk privately to the first-class family and explain to them that this is what you really want.
This does not really mean that you will be happy or relaxed during the coming months, but it certainly is the best for you.
Try to ask for help as you need it, as this is not a shame at all.
Many people around us are just unable to understand the way they are helping us, and they only need us to explain how they can help.
And if you find that some will weaken your resistance or represent a burden on you, do not hesitate to move away from it immediately, regardless of the degree of his kinship.
You are in dire need of support now, not that an additional front be formed against you.
So choose your own interest and that of your children in the first degree, at least at this stage.
6- Is your decision based on a full awareness of all aspects, or does emotion play the biggest role in it?
And this question in particular takes a long time to answer.
It is difficult to release emotion and anger from such a decision until you can make it without anger.
But at least as we help you here to do that, your decision is fully aware and not for the purpose of revenge or harming the party that caused you harm.
So try to avoid the feelings of anger aside as you can, even if I know completely that this is very difficult.
If you cannot do that, postpone the decision. There is no time to quench the anger, unveil the curtain, and clarify the vision.
But always remember that taking such a decision is a rage or outburst of revenge for betrayal.
For example, it will eventually lead us to regret or at least live for years after our break-up unable to move forward.
And the worst of all if the other party was able to move forward in his life and find another partner and his life stabilized.
Which increases your anger and the desire for revenge and perhaps hate your self-image.
Some people also end up blaming themselves for making this decision, almost self-flogging.
And he keeps repeating and adding to it in common moments, which makes him in constant torment and the other party no longer cares about everything that has gone past.
Therefore, it is imperative to find an answer to this question before even starting to talk about such a decision with your partner.
And at least make sure that you are not in anger, distracted, or under the influence of a wound.
7- Before making the decision to divorce, ask yourself what is your intention exactly to ask for divorce?
You might think that the answers to these questions are very similar or that most of them take place in the same area.
But on the contrary, each question measures a specific part that is very important in decision-making.
After you made sure that the decision was not emotional, it remained to know whether the divorce application is based on searching for the best for everyone?
Meaning that you are looking for a better life for you and your children and the other party as well, or at least for yourself or your children.
Or is the intention to divorce, to avoid problems and escape by yourself and your children from physical or psychological violence.
And it is an existing and legitimate issue as well, your intention may also be that you do not wish to raise your children in an atmosphere devoid of understanding and participation, and it is your right, there is no doubt about that.
But also your intention may be that you are searching for an imaginary life that you will not find easily or that you are under great psychological pressure.
All that is controlling you now is that you want to escape with all your energy without thinking of anything else.
Therefore, you must define your intention precisely in order to be sure of the correctness of your decision.
8- Before deciding to divorce, ask yourself, did you solve your problems with the concept of divorce itself?
This question measures the extent of your understanding of the concept of divorce itself, as many people understand the concept of divorce for them confused and unclear.
The worst thing is that it is linked to them with previous experiences and two cultures, for example some of those who lived the experience of separation or divorce while they were young.
Parents may behave badly when they think that they may have caused such a situation for their children.
Knowing that despite the bitterness of the experience of divorce for children, what they lived was due to the bad behavior of the parents during the divorce and not the divorce itself.
And it is what makes these people bear the insults and humiliation that humans cannot bear, because guilt fills them towards their children.
And it does not occur to them that children are tortured in this case a thousand times more than if it was a safe divorce.
Quite the opposite, in other cases, her experience is reversed, and her experience was that of life between religion, which has many problems and disagreements, and there is no measure of understanding or stability, and they did not think of divorce under the pretext of children.
They are quite the opposite, as soon as she feels the problem, her mind runs away to separate immediately.
She does not want her children the same fate without even trying to find a solution.
Childhood experiences
Thus, most of the time divorce is related to our experiences, our experiences, and our confidence that we came from.
Therefore, before embarking on the implementation of such a decision, it is necessary to make sure that you have handled your concepts well and are rid of the influence of the past.
And if you cannot do this yourself, you should seek help from a professional.
I would like to repeat a specialist, not an ordinary person who is also influenced by his personal experience and his own concepts.
Divorce is a difficult solution that requires energy and has undoubted downsides, but in many cases it is the only solution and the mercy of the Creator and without him the suicides and murders would multiply at the same time.
Make sure that you understand the divorce well and can deal with its consequences without being affected by the past.
9 - Before making the divorce decision, ask yourself, are you able to deal with the consequences of divorce?
Divorce is not a decision taken and implemented and then we return to our life anew, as if nothing had happened.
Perhaps you live alone and face miserly ones around you, you will be disappointed and feel that your dreams have been burned.
It may also cause you to feel like a failure or at least part of your life topple completely.
And the most difficult of all is that you have to face your children while you are solid and nothing appears on you.
Indeed, he is able to face their grief and deal with their tantrums that will undoubtedly arise as a result of the new situation.
You also have to face society, go to work, and continue life as if it was not something that is difficult to go through.
Because the life inside has already stopped, you don't pretend to be.
And to make sure that you are capable of all this, there are signs that if they exist, you have not yet found a way to deal with the consequences of divorce.
This makes it an incorrect decision at this stage, and these signs, for example, are:
Signs of unwillingness to break up:
If you are still unable to change your habits and daily routine, and perhaps your living space, then you are now unable to bear such a decision.
If you are unable to cope with your children's grief or outbursts of anger, or deal with their psychological crises as a result of the change, you are unable to tolerate this decision.
If you have not yet freed from the emotional or spiritual control of your partner and cannot bear the distance, or are unable to imagine the situation after the distance, then you are still unable to bear this decision.
If you are not helpful to accept that you will experience a time of loneliness, low self-confidence, fear, and anxiety, then you are not ready for this decision.
10- Before making the divorce decision, ask yourself what steps should be taken to separate security?
At the outset, all that was said previously about the importance of deep thinking and building on foundations for making such a decision.
It doesn't mean it is better not to take it, but it really does mean that you are sure you really want to do it.
And that the meaning of safe separation here means that separation takes place with the least possible losses for both parties and for children in the first place.
Therefore, there are some steps that you must follow for the thief and the result is satisfactory.
These steps are as follows:
A- Agreement with the partner on the method of completing the
Now you are completely confident in your decision and you are supposed to have talked with your partner about how you are feeling and what you should do.
It is also assumed that you both discussed whether the marriage could be saved, or at least each of you wanted about it.
Of course, as long as you reach that point where we are talking, of course you have decided that divorce is the best solution for both you and the children.
Also, there is no longer anything left but how to start the procedures, which is the most ugly part in my opinion and depends on the extent of the spouses' understanding and their desire for a security or not separation.
There is no doubt that going out well while maintaining a good relationship, especially if there are children, is the best solution at all.
And that is why if only the two of you can sit down with a lawyer after each of you has thought carefully about what to waive or not.
As well as agreeing on all material matters by mutual consent between you and trying to maintain friendliness, by compromise on both sides.
Whatever the size of the material loss, it will not be worth anything in front of what children suffer if you enter the court cycle.
So put your children in front of you and try to reach a compromise.
I write official papers legally with the help of only one lawyer.
Meaning that neither the interference of relatives or acquaintances nor the presence of a lawyer for each party, so the matter turns into a battlefield in which every lawyer tries to appear as a hero by obtaining more rights for his client.
But at the same time, this lawyer should be neutral and not affiliated with any party, and you announce to him your desire to reach a compromise solution that preserves all their rights and psychological peace as much as possible.
And do not surprise the other party with a sudden move, such as sending him an announcement that you have filed a case before trying to talk to him.
This will bring out the worst in his character, and you only blame yourself.
B - Appointing a lawyer for each party
The previous solution is undoubtedly the best, but let's be realistic, many will not be able to reach this level of constructive communication.
And maybe it won't even close until divorce changes everyone and shows the worst of all.
In some cases, one of the parties rejects the idea of divorce in the first place, and acts like a child.
At other times, the parents intervene and the battle begins, and the two parties cannot stop the family at their borders.
The important thing is that if this is the case, then when you feel that there is no way to reach an amicable compromise with the help of one lawyer.
Therefore, each party must appoint a trustworthy lawyer and leave him to go through the divorce proceedings on his behalf.
Because, unfortunately, the matter is filled with gaps, and there is no clear law on which we can rely.
There are always holes and crooked games, but what they gain from the struggle is not worth a single tear on the cheek of a son.
So let the lawyers do the matter and separate yourself and your children as much as possible.
Whatever your anger at the other side, never try to express it in front of your children.
T-Parents meet with children to inform them
Until we reach this stage, the children should not have known anything.
But we have reached the point that one of the parties will leave the house now, so the parents must meet the children, all the parties are present.
And after that, they together explain the situation in a comprehensive and understandable manner without going into the reasons or details that might hurt one of the parties.
For example, we unfortunately will harm us to separate from each other because we are no longer happy as we were.
And maybe each of us found my comfort in a different way.
But of course, this does not include you completely. We love you with an unconditional and eternal love, for you are our children.
And we will never stop loving you, and nothing will change for you. Your daily routine will go as it always is.
You will go to school, club, hiking and visits all on time.
Also, you will see Mama and Papa anytime you want and we will always share your care.
Thus, certain points must be emphasized during the conversation that cannot be overlooked, as follows:
C- The basics of talking
Emphasizing during the conversation that the matter does not concern them completely and that they are not because of this from near or from afar, on the contrary, they are the best product of this marriage, and that you will remain proud of them and grateful for their presence in your life, and that you love them as they are without any conditions, demands or obligations. .
It must also be emphasized that they will still be able to see each party at any time they want, or communicate with him in any way they want, and that you will always be available, and you will never go away or absent, with a full explanation of what will happen and what the matter will be, knowing the details on Despite their pain, it contributes greatly to controlling their fear.
It must be emphasized that their daily routine will remain constant without changing the same school and the same club, and it is preferable that they not move from the house if possible.
As much as possible, we try to reduce the variables around them because this makes them feel afraid and enhances their sense of insecurity, and whenever their routine remains as constant as possible, this helps them overcome the crisis.
This conversation must be conducted in the presence of parents together. There is no need to conduct this conversation by one party, it will not be convincing at all, for whatever our disagreement we try to overcome and separate children from the matter and present their interest to everyone.
Accept the outbursts of anger in which they may face the situation or even will confront them later, all we tried to do will not deny that they are going through tantrums and a difficult period, we just have to be patient in accepting this period and try to stay close to them and help them as much as possible.
There are children who feel terrible guilt and imagine that they are the reason for these decisions, and some others hate a parent who often thinks that he made the decision, and so we do not know what is going on inside this small psyche, which we do not find an explanation for yet.
D - distance from differences
Excluding children completely from all our differences, so there is no need to use children as a method of pressure on the other party, such as not going to see them because I do not want to communicate with the other party, or including them in our conflict and expelling them with their mother from the house because I do not want to leave the house to their mother.
Do not tell them how the other party was bad with me, which is what prompted me to make such a decision, and perhaps I stopped paying them or participating in their care to put pressure on the other party, and some leave them to the other party and go forward without waiting for what they might suffer, and many Which may happen and cause the destruction of children and then we say divorce, the truth is that it is the bad and wrong performance of divorce.
Conclusion
In the daytime, remember that divorce is a decision for many parties and a good choice of partner from the beginning.
It also facilitates marital life, but also if there is a dispute, there is no fear that they will form a good team to take care of children.
Divorce is only between spouses, but children never divorce them.
Try to present their interests to everyone, because you are the ones who choose some of you and choose to have children together. You bring children for life, so you must take care of them to the end.