Have you ever gone through the motions of a relationship with someone you had no intention of sharing a future with?
I have, and it f*cking sucks for both parties involved.
Sometimes I feel like I’m destined to end up with someone toxic for me.
I fear he'll be emotionally unstable and will break my heart at some point.
Sure, in passing, I complain to my friends about how there just “aren’t any good guys,” but the truth is, they aren’t unicorns.
They’re out there.
After having an on-and-off romance for a year and a half, I found myself emotionally spent.
I had gotten passed my “angry” and “depressed” phase following my breakup, and I wasn’t ready for another relationship.
I was looking for someone to validate the insecurities my ex reinforced.
I lamented over all the time I had wasted on someone who was never going to love me the way I did him.
I had played with fire and gotten burned as consequence.
After a few months of single life, the doubt set in.
All my self-worth had been jeopardized by the destructive properties of my past relationship.
I was not the same person who had entered that relationship, and I had to start over.
I was broken and under the false impression a different man could “fix” me.
I decided it was time to date a “nice guy” for a change.
He was everything you could want from a boyfriend: kind, strong and thoughtful.
He treated me better than I had ever been treated.
The main difference between him and my ex was the sense of respect he showed me.
He loved my flaws. He celebrated my accomplishments.
He was everything and more, but still, I felt confused.
I hated he was so eager to please me.
I felt frustrated he was willing to give me everything I could want.
I wanted him to make me earn it. I wished he was more of a challenge.
I spent months dating someone I wanted to like.
It was almost as if I was waiting for feelings to develop, but alas, they never came.
I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with him and why I couldn’t fall for him.
The truth was, I was what was wrong with our relationship.
There are some things you cannot “fake until you make.”
Feelings are one of them.
I missed the way I felt when I kissed my ex.
Our on-and-off romance was high-stress, but I was completely invested.
It was messy, but perfect amidst the chaos.
In the new relationship, passion was missing.
I had left my last relationship with the false assumption it is better to be loved than love.
Being loved was low-risk. I thought it was what I wanted.
I spent months dating someone I wanted to like.
It was almost as if I was waiting for feelings to develop, but alas, they never came.
I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with him and why I couldn’t fall for him.
The truth was, I was what was wrong with our relationship.
There are some things you cannot “fake until you make.”
Feelings are one of them.
I missed the way I felt when I kissed my ex.
Our on-and-off romance was high-stress, but I was completely invested.
It was messy, but perfect amidst the chaos.
In the new relationship, passion was missing.
I had left my last relationship with the false assumption it is better to be loved than love.
Being loved was low-risk. I thought it was what I wanted.
What’s worse is I ended up doing exactly what had been done to me to someone who never deserved it.
I broke a heart in the name of validation.
What could be more selfish than that?
It is better to love than be loved.
It may make you vulnerable, but it makes you human.