I have read a book today and now I'm starting to think that perfectionism is an epidemic.
Here are my favorite clips:
For the perfectionist, achieving his goal is the only thing that matters. The process of getting there - the journey- is meaningless to him. He views the journey as simply a series of obstacles that have to be negotiated in order to get to wherever it is that he wants to be. In this sense, the perfectionists's life is a rat race. He is unable to enjoy the here and now because he is completely engrossed in his obsession with the next promotion, the next prize, the next milestone - which he believes will make him happy.
For the perfectionist there is only one way to get where he wants to go, and that route is a straight line. The path he sets for himself (as well as for others) is rigid and static. Rigidity in the perfectionist stems, at least in part, from his obsessive need for control. The perfectionist tries to control every aspect of his life because he fears that if he were to relinquish some control, his world would fall apart.
The all-or-nothing approach - the idea that work that is not done perfectly is not worth doing at all - leads to procrastination and, more generally, to inefficient use of time.
Research by psychologist Daryl Bem shows that we form attitudes about ourselves in the same way that we form attitudes about others, namely, through observation. If we see a man helping others, we conclude that he is kind; if we see a woman standing up for her beliefs, we conclude that she is principled and courageous. Similarly, we draw conclusions about ourselves by observing our own behavior. (self-perception theory)
In the same way that scientists were only able to make significant advances in technology by accepting the laws of physical nature - of gravity and thermodynamics, for instance - we too can only grow and lead richer, fuller lives by accepting the laws of human nature. And, like it or not, painful emotions are part of that nature.
It is about recognizing that at every moment in our life we have a choice - to be afraid and yet to act courageously, to feel jealous and yet to act benevolently, to accept being human and act with humanity.
If I aspire to win Olympic gold and actually take home the silver, my self-esteem will drop. But if all I aspire to is participating in the Olympics and I end up winning a bronze medal, my self-esteem will rise.
While it seems obvious that you cannot work 14 hours a day and remain fit and healthy and be a devoted father and husband, in my perfectionist fantasy world, nothing was impossible.
The narrow approach of the perfectionist - attempting to attain perfection in every area of life - inevitably leads to compromise and frustration: given the real constraints of time, it really is impossible to do it all.
Happiness is mainly contingent on our state of mind rather than on our status or the state of our bank account.
Tunnel vision - focusing on a small part of reality while essentially ignoring the rest. For example, if there are 20 students attending my lecture and one of them is asleep, focusing my attention exclusively on the sleeping student to the exclusion of all the other students in the class is tunnel vision. Conversely, if nineteen of them are asleep and only one is listening to what I have to say, concluding that my lecture was a success because one student was intellectually engaged is also a form of tunnel vision.
"It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not." - James Gordon
Those who valued a certain positive trait had difficulty changing its negative counterpart - those who valued consistency, for example, had difficulty becoming less rigid because deep down, subconsciously, they feared it would mean becoming less consistent. Along similar lines, people do not give up excessive feelings of guilt because they do not want to lose their sensitivity; they continue to worry out of proportion to the situation they are dealing with, because they fear that not worrying will mean not being responsible.
To be able to change, we need a nuanced understanding of what exactly it is that we want to get rid of and what we want to keep. Researcher Dina Nir writes about the importance of unbundling, the process of taking a particular quality and separating it into two or more distinct and explicitly defined sub-aspects. Ask: What does perfectionism mean to me? What do I gain from being a perfectionist? What aspects of perfectionism do I want to keep? Which elements do I want to get rid of?
One of the most useful methods that I have found for dealing with disturbing emotions associated with failure, whether it is fear of failure or the agony of having made a mistake, is to follow the PRP process: giving myself permission to be human, reconstructing the situation, and gaining a wider perspective.
While coming up with solutions to a friend's problems may make us feel helpful and competent, it often has the opposite effect on the friend.
Barring extreme situations when, for instance, suicidal thoughts and feelings are involved, painful emotions should not be so readily medicated away.
One of the most significant benefits of suffering is that it breeds a deep respect for reality, for what is.
Not only do we make ourselves unhappy when we suppress emotions, when we pretend, but we make others unhappy as well. In this way, the great deception (pretending that we are really happy when we are not) contributes to the great depression (to the rising levels of unhappiness in the world). In putting on the facade, we communicate to others that everyone is doing just great, except for them, which makes them feel worse and even more determined to hide their pain. By perpetually hiding our emotions, we don't give others permission to share their own.
