You're still there, right?

Stage : Denial

I was in denial, YES. I don't wan't to acknowledged it, YET. But don't you say I wasn't hurting just because no one saw me crying. Don't you dare think I don't remember. Don't ever believe that I didn't care.

I care. I remember. Every time, every single day. You always crossed my mind. Whenever, someone would recognized my body, how I lose weight. Your voice would appear on my head. I'll just shrugged it off. Every time I heard I love you's on videos or read it on other's post I'd remember the last text you sent. Your image would flash on my head. I'll think about anything just to let it off.

Whenever someones tells me their stories. Of how their day end. Their struggles. I would remember how you listen to mine. I'd remember your silence, your sighs and the way you pat my shoulder while telling me, everything's going to be alright. I'd just pay attention to the one I'm talking to, just to cut the flow of thoughts.

Don't believe someone out there, I don't missed you. Because the truth is you're all over my head. I would always think about those laughter we shared. Those things we are all worried. And how another year went by and we just aged. How time passed by so fast. Flies in rush. Now no ones gonna tell me, hush.

You are the only person I can count on, lean on. You are one of the reason why I would want to come home. Despite the long travel I'd endure. But now its too dark on the road. Now that you were gone. The sea brings deep sadness. The sounds of waves means no one would be there on the shore. The calmness now were gone. You left us all alone.

I don't want to show any weakness, and I wanted to come home. Badly. But who would tell me I'd become thinner? Who would tell me that I should eat more often? Who else would get jealous on my cute rounded butt? Who would tell me I love you's anymore? Who would laugh and listen to my stories? My worries? How I aged yet nothing much great happened? Who would be my best friend? My big sister? My favorite cousin?

Yes. I remember you. You'll never be forgotten. You'll forever be missed. Who would forgot the lovely, bright, witty, funny and my favorite buddy? But can you just stay alive within my thoughts? You were just home right? I'd stay as much as I can away from home, just to let your memories alive. Live there. Stay. You are alive in there. You didn't go anywhere. I'd wrote down all the stories I will share to you, in case I miss one. You're still the first person I will asked for my Mother, whenever I arrived home. Or whenever she call. Just be there. Stay and I assure you, I won't delete my messenger. I won't deactivate. Just be there. I'd answer your call. I'd tell you I love you too, though you know I am not wordly expressive. I won't get irritated on the constant and overflowing messages. I'd asked more about your day. I'd be more aware. And I'll fight more of my demons. And be okay. I promise. Just stay alive.

I won't cry because you are still there. Laughing, singing your favorite song of Air supply. I will shrug off your thoughts, and believe that you were okay. That nothing happened. That you will still wait for me to come home. I'd screen shot your last text without a date. And I'd response of I love you too. And I'd think your just busy thinking of your next reply, I'd edit it with the three dots saying your typing... I did learned something about few editing these just receny, I'm doing good... just stay..

Yes, it's true, almost a year have passed I am still at it. In the denial stage.

Dedicated : In memories of Lexandrea.

Thank you for reading.