What is more terrifying than dying alone

"*Trigger Warning. Please read with caution or just don't read at all. Some dark thoughts are better said but best to write. Hope this does not bring the buried memories alive. And if it does, I'm sorry but from the start you have been warned."

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Do you live with someone? With family or friends perhaps? Or have you been living alone all your life? Or since you moved out from your parents?

Back when I was a teenager, I have always wondered how it is to live in a different city that does know who you really are. Have you ever thought the same? Whenever I think of it there is some flow of excitement that gushes through my veins and makes my heart beat fast. I have always imagined that I could be whoever I wanna be. I could be a married person, I could be a girl or a dude or I could be a waitress. Oh heck I could be even one of those people who offer prayer on the buses and ask for donations. No one knows who I am and I won't care if they judge.

Currently, I am living that imagination, I am enjoying living alone in some random area far away from people that I love. It gives me more freedom, except that I am not married or some dude. Lol. And it was the best experience ever. Though honestly, I miss my family but still won't trade the freedom I have from the meantime. Of course It won't be for a lifetime. So I'm making the most of it.

However, just yesterday my coworker told me a story. It is about the ex-husband of the caretaker of the other units in the subdivision where I work. As per my coworker, the ex-husband of the caretaker who is living alone in his boarding house has been found dead four days after his death. If it was not from the foul odor of the dead body, no one would discover that he is already dead.

And it hits me, he died and lives alone. And what terrifies me is that knowing that living alone means dying alone. No matter how good it is to feel the freedom, the truth is, no one will be there in your last breath to tell you that it's okay to go and it's over. Nobody is there to give you water when you want a sip of it. Even if it is your last wish. Nobody would be there to share the warmth of their skin when you needed it. And even if you have been given a .99% chance to live, you would just refuse. Because what's the point?

Wasn't that lonely? To be in pain for a span of time without anyone present to ease the pain? Also knowing there could be no tomorrow that is waiting for you? This somehow, made me realized things, living alone might smell freedom, but have it always been light and secured if you have someone to lean on?

I may not be as compassionate or as empathetic as the others, I feel like we all deserve someone who will be there as we say goodbye to our last breath. Because as clichè as it may sound, we were born surrounded with people that love us, why not die surrounded with the people we have love in this lifetime?

All I can say is even it is freeing to be alone, give people a chance. There could still be someone, waiting, ready to accompany you in your worst and in your best. In sickness and in health. And no matter how much differences we have, let us try to further understand.

It is one of the scary thought by a 27 years old me who has just started to explore the world alone and still have a long way to go. And still have a dream to pursue.

And before this end, I just want to check up on you, are you living alone? Or you're living with your family? How are you feeling?

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Hello!

If you reach this far --Thanks for reading! Xoxoxo. Been missing for so long and all I have here is the dark thoughts of mine. Well you can't blame me for that words are always overflowing when you feel like you are on the dark side. Meow. Haha

Anyway, it's my pleasure to be back, hopefully I could catch up for the things that I missed.

Credits

Thanks to Noah Silliman @noahsilliman for making the lead photo available freely on Unsplash 🎁 https://unsplash.com/photos/gzhyKEo_cbU