Don't let the anger, linger

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The visit of the legal team this week drained my energy. He asked a lot about my endeavors and what I did during my days off. He even asked people if I had sidelines. He assumed I got commissions and had connections for material deliveries and suppliers. He even mocked my degree in front of my colleague.

I never imagined someone could think of me that way. I was sent to Cebu for only a month, yet I'm still here four months after that. I was pissed. I had to suppress the outburst I was feeling. The overflowing hatred words wanted to come out of my mind and wanted to be heard. It wasn't easy to calm down. I feel sick.

I could feel my heart racing, heavy breathing, and the misty heat from my body running through my head, blocking my mind, slowly making the place black and white. With gritted teeth, jaw clenches, slowly making a fist. Taking all the words of insult running free in my head, making it even worse. I knew if I didn't stop, I'd speak out about my negative thoughts and feel bad about it in the end.

I learned from the past that no matter how valid your feelings are at that moment, it is much better to collect your thoughts together and decide what to say when you are calm. Once you let your emotions overtake you, you lose control.

I was known to be "the calm one," but the truth is, I am not. I easily get angry. I had only learned to avoid getting angry a long time ago because I knew what could happen next. It could be worse. I shout back, I curse back, I take revenge. After all, I am a human being able to feel remorse, hurt, pain, and weakness in processing bad judgement. After getting things said, it feels even worse since you said words you did not mean to say.

To go beyond, no matter how much you avoid, you will meet a certain individual that will provoke your bad traits hidden in your closet. You have to expect that all the people around you are not good, even if you choose to be, even if you think goodness exists. But I didn't know that some people could be this bad. I guess I miserably failed to take that note.

This year, I have realized that there aren't 100% good communities. Some communities promote family and camaraderie as aspirations, yet doubt and suspect each other. It is even more laughable when they suspect you of being as bad as they are, even without proof.

I have never thought that though I have been a good follower and did everything I could to help improve what was needed to be done. I will be facing such an accusation. And thinking about it, I have been plotting an exit from this organization as revenge for the insults I received. I would think in my restless nights that I don't f*cking care about my project. Truthfully, this is one of the many things that keeps me moving from day to day since I live far from my family.

I keep on asking myself what should I do. And later today, I have read this article from medium, where it teach me a lesson to ponder, 

I realized then, that I am not the one who should suffer from that big accusation throwns at me, it is whom that doubtful of others. It is not me who should suffer or the one questioning my worth. I should sleep peacefully because I've got nothing to do with it and my conscience is clear. 

Reading the article, this is the line that makes it even more helpful "Why get angry, if angers doesn't change it? Or even change their perceptions?" Most importantly, "Don't let anger linger instead, prove that they are wrong and make them realize their judgment does not apply to all."

I still have 3 months to decide whether I will sign a new contract, but that incident shattered my will to continue and reconsider. It always boils down to the realization that there are plenty of companies that will help me grow and appreciate how I contributed to the project instead of dragging me down.

How about you have you ever been angry? Or did you experience similar scenarios like this? How did you deal with it? Did you shout back? Did you hold back? Let me know below!

If you are in my situation would you rather go home and file an immediate resignation? Or just wait for the contract to end?

Hi! Again, thank you for reaching this far. Xoxo Really appreciate it!

Credit

By the way photo is a screenshot from the article link above!