She's been hurt but I'm also Hurting

Good evening dreamers! Hope that you have an enjoyable weekend!

Sad. I'm still sad and somehow felt guilty because of what happened last night. Though, I don't know if I did something wrong but I know that she is hurting. But I've also been hurt.

So this what happened last night. My cousin lied to my Aunt that she will having a sleep over to her best friend. They let her to sleep there for one night but my cousin requested again to sleep for another night. Since she was a minor, my Uncle call her and tell her to go home. One night is enough. They want to talk to the best friend and by that time, they discovered that my cousin is not with her best friend but with her online friends. They only talk for some quite time then she already hang out with them. And most of them are boys that's why my uncle got worried so he commanded my cousin to go home right now.

They got mad on my cousin because she lied to her. He told them that it's not good to lie just to hang out with her friends. They throwing lines and what I don't like is they involving my name. My Aunt said that " Look at your cousin(me), she is already an adult but she knows her limitations". My cousin talked back and said that I am always the perfect girl in everyone's eyes. I know that she's been hurting because she is being compared to me. On the other hand, I also don't want that kind of scenario when others being compared to me. I am also hurting because I know how it feels. It is also painful to me because I know that their expectations to me are too high.

My cousin got mad on me because of that. I know that she is only process what happened last night. There is a flashback running in my mind. Before, when I was a kid my brother told me that I should not be live in this world. That he doesn't want me to be his sister because I'm always an apple in the eye of the family. It is so painful for me because I don't know what I did wrong to them. But me and my brother are okay now. Maybe they thought that being labeled as " favorite" is such a blessings. No it's not. I also don't feel that I am the favorite one. It's really far from their thoughts because the real is, being called like that results to high expectations and pressure. Since I was a kid, I feel like I need to be good in academics because I believe that it is the only thing that I can give to my parents for all of their sacrifices. So since then, I study hard for them and I really thankful that they appreciate all of my efforts.

But it's quite tiring. Sometimes I'm thing what if I didn't choose to be good on school, did I still feel like this way? I envy those kids who enjoy their childhood while me, I need to read the books. I envy my brother before because he has a freedom to do what he wants while me, I need to review my lessons. I envy my cousin because she have time to bond with her friends while me, I being lock on the four corners of my room because of the pressure they instill in me. They have someone to talk to when they are not okay while me, I have no one. I admit that I am afraid that I might disappoint those people who believes and supports me from the start. So they are wrong, living in this kind of world is not a pleasure but pure of pressure. That's why I don't know why they got mad in me without knowing that I also suffered within. I just choose to carry all the burdens by myself because I don't like others being worried to me. But you know what, the only thing that I want is to be free. Free to express my feelings, to cry without being judge. I want to be free from the pressure and expectations. But for now I am still at the middle of the battle so I need to continue it. She's been hurt but I am also hurting.

I'm sorry if this article is feel like a drama. I feel like sharing it here is much better than telling it with someone close to me. I actually don't know what to feel like right now. By the way, thank you for still reading this one. I hope that you get a good night sleep.