Like I am a big Disappointment on Myself

Good evening dreamers of read cash universe! How's your Wednesday so far? After so many days of hot weather, finally we experience a rainy day now. Until now, raindrops can still be hear on the roof. I guess my sleep later will be good. Since because it is a gloomy weather, I can't think a proper topic to write here today. We also have movie marathon earlier that's why it occupied most of the day. Actually, I have a drafts about fictional stories but I can't think an ending so I just let it passed and sleep on the drafts haha. So for now, I will just answer some of the random questions that I saw on my Pinterest app.

What was the last time you acted irrationally?

I think it is the time when I made a decision without thinking twice. It seems that I made it on the spot to the point that it almost harm me and I unintentionally hurt someone. It's too late for me to realize that I hurt him so I said my apology to him and good thing that he understand me that time. He also said that he thinks that I'm not on myself that time because I immediately answer yes without hesitation. He knows me well, I will not say my decision immediately because weigh the possible result and consequences.

Have you ever felt like you disappointed yourself? Why?

So many times to be honest. When I failed on a certain thing, I feel like I am a big disappointment on myself and my family. Actually before, I'm so conscious on every action I've made and to my performance in school because I feel like it is the only thing that I can do better. If I failed, they will judge me easily adm treat me like a trash. It's not my family who I am referring but it is some of the people who surrounds me. They are so toxic but I can't cut them off because they are still my relatives. I'm not the eldest among us but I feel like the pressure and high expectations is on me especially when they said that I'm the hope and future of our family. That's why at some point, I'm also afraid to failed because I don't want them to think that I'm a failure.

What worries you at the moment?

There's a lot of what ifs in my mind. What if I died without leaving any happy memories with them. What if I failed again? You know I'm a fan of overthinking so I can't avoid to worry about random stuffs. I actually hated myself for treating a small thing like a big deal. But recently, I realize that being worried is a part of our life but what matters the most is we never stop to continue to strive on this cruel world. As long as our faith and hope is greater than our worries, we can surely overcome everything.

Have you settled for less? Why?

It's good to be contented on what we have right now but it is not bad to aim for more especially when you know that it can helps you to be the better version of yourself. To answer the answer, I can say that I'm not settled for less but rather I'm aiming for more. I have a big dreams and plan about my future and I really hope that I achieve it on the near future. Those dreams is not only for me but also to those people who believes on me.

Do you avoid asking for help?

As much as possible, I find a solution to my problems by myself. I'm not fond on asking help but it doesn't mean that I didn't appreciate somebody's help. I just avoid to have " utang na loob" to others because some people will used it against you. They will treat you as if you are indebted to them and you are obliged to pay for it. I believe that there's no exact amount to pay for it. The best way to pay it is to also help and be kind to others.

What decision you wished you've never made?

Even though that sometimes I am so careless and irrational on making decisions, I still say that I am proud on it. Maybe not all of them have a good result but I'm pretty sure that I've learned a lot on every decision that I've made and it can determine who am I. Sometimes not all of our decisions will aligned according to our plan but the best thing that we can do about it, is to accept and to get the lessons from it so we can avoid it the second time around.

If someone says " I had bad news for you", what do you think happens?

I always received this kind of phrase from my friends and I already know what it means, it's either they broke up with their boyfriend or they failed on their exams. But I don't want to hear this phrase because I will immediately think that someone died. Death is inevitable but it still painful to let go people who actually became part of your life and if you can't see them alive again.

What is your negative self- talk?

There are some who says that negative self talk sometimes motivates them somehow but it's not applicable on me . As much as possible, I avoid negative self- talk because it affects on my confidence and it will lead me to overthink that I'm not good enough. So instead of negative self -talk, I'm much fond on self affirmation.

I guess it is for tonight's blog. Through answering this set of questions, I tend to reflect on myself somehow. Right after writing this, I feel like I'm too sleepy at the moment but I also want to continue watching some movies on Netflix. It's hard to choose between them because I love them both haha.

My warmest Thank you to all of the dreamers who show their endless support to me. To every readers and commenters who give some time to read and leave a comment, Thank you so much. May this platform will stay with us for so many years. Have a peaceful sleep later dreamers.