In case they've forgotten, I'm also Vulnerable

"If saying No is an indication of being a bad person and can considered a mistake, I'm sorry but I just rather choose to be bad than doing the things that ruin my peace again. I can't afford to lose myself even more while I'm still searching the way on how to fix it".

Lately, I can't deny that I'm that not on myself. What I mean is that I feel that I'm gradually losing myself again. I don't know if what happened to me,maybe I'm just tried on life. I'm tired juggling two and more responsibilities I have. I'm trying hard to give my best in everything but at the end, it seems that the tiredness also double up. It seems that I don't have a will to move anymore. I just want to rest but I can't give it to myself because everytime I tried to, I hear some voices on my mind saying that I don't have a right to rest because I'm not successful yet. I'm still far from my journey. I'm too harsh to myself right? But what can I do, even if I want I just choose that vacant time to accomplished something rather than resting.

I have a thesis subject right now and it's one of the reason why I'm so exhausted at the moment. I tried to understand my groupmates situation, that they have work and so on but I hope that they can understand me too. Being a leader is not easy especially that I'm also bombarded with the responsibilities in other subjects. I'm willing to help them to be honest, I even talking to them until 4AM just to be clear that they understand well their part. But unfortunately, they didn't. Some of them only pass their part only for compliance without actually reading it. And you know what's worst about it? They plagiarize everything and they even include the ads that you can see on that source. You know, my patience is long but it seems that right now, it challenging me. I talked to them in the nicest way but I only receive a useless respond. They said that " At least we did our part" and "If you want, you can edit that one.That's your role right". It seems that my blood goes up on my head. I actually want to tell some bad words to them but I can't. As much as possible, I don't want to stress out myself too much but arghhh, they really getting in my nerves. They still proud saying that they did their part even they just " Control C and Control V" everything.

What's the point of arguing them if I already know that they didn't listen right. So instead of mumbling and talked to them, I just edit their part because I don't want to pass it to our prof. I know that I'm the one who will be blame because they are my groupmates and I don't want to affect it on my grades. So I'm doing that part until the morning and honestly, I didn't still have a sleep right now. Road to zombie lol. I just wished that my prof is in the mood while checking our chapter 1 or else, we will be back on the scratch. Good thing that they still 2 members in the group that is willing to did their part well.

But I thought that my frustrations will end there but nope. My Auntie message me and she is asking to do the assignment of her son. I already shared it to you that Auntie of mine. She tends to spoiled her son to the point that she oblige me to do all of his requirements. Actually,I'm willing to help but this time, I refuse not because I want to but because I'm tired. I'm already have a lot of unfinished task and I want her son to be responsible enough. I believe that he should learn on how to be independent somehow especially on the things that can give a learnings and knowledge to him. And the fact that he is already a 3rd year college right now but still, he depend his requirements on others. But as expected, my Auntie will said some painful words to me. That I don't have Utang na loob to her and it's just a simple request but I can't give it to her. But I said to her that I'm also bombarded with so many task and I don't know how to handle it anymore. But she didn't stop nagging on me and she even called my Mom to say that I don't have a manner. So, I just block her on Messenger. Am I so bad on doing this? I'm sorry if I am. I just want to lessen that stress that I shouldered.

I can't help it earlier but to cried while looking on the screen. Why it's so hard for me now? Before, I can still manage everything without feeling so stress but right now, I don't know anymore. I cried silently because I don't also want to people here in the house notice my pain. I don't want to add their burden. Hayst but after that crying moment, I immediately shed my tears and do my responsibilities again. I should not give up because there's so many people who also hoping for my success.

It seems that they forget that I'm a human too. That I also tend to get tired, drained and exhausted. I'm vulnerable too but it's seems that they forget that. I'm just only want to be understand by them just like how I understand their situation. I just want to create inner peace so for now, I choose to avoid them. It's too much to handle so I decided to just focus on facing my own battles. I hope that they will suddenly realize it by the time because I'm already tired to explained my side. Let them think what they want. At this moment even I'm broken, I will try to create the peace within me. Hope that I can give it to myself.

I'm sorry if I am like this now, I used to give some advices to everyone but it seems that I can't find the right motivation or quotes for me to get better. Pardon me of this article is full of rants and problems of my life. Hayst I just wished that tomorrow if I woke up, everything will fall on its place. That everything will gonna be fine.