Although I am a supporter of the rules being there to be broken, there is only one rule in the gay world that can cost you and that should be strictly followed - Don't fall in love with a straight person.
We concluded a long time ago that we cannot choose when we will love and when we will fall in love. However, it is a big problem when that best feeling happens to you with your best friend, who is also straight. Bojan and I spent a lot of time together. I was versed in every detail of his life and vice versa.
We agreed on many things and had the same view of everything, which somehow brought us closer day by day. I liked that in those immature years I really had a friend in front of whom I could be what I am. The time spent with him was precious to me, and the agony in my head began to arise the moment I realized that he pleased me in a completely different way.
On several occasions, I "caught" myself as it bothers me when he talks about the girls he sees. Imperceptibly, in those moments, that unpleasant feeling of jealousy and possessiveness that I kept under control crept under my skin because I knew what it could take with it if it came to the surface.
I knew that I was not answering the phone and inventing many naive situations because of which we could not see each other, and all that just to distance myself and try to "cool down" my head and the uneasiness I felt. Although he loved me as a friend and fully understood me, he even had that kind of protective attitude towards me. I thought that I would not be able to understand what I felt towards him.
At that time, Facebook was slowly gaining momentum in the lives of all people, and that social network was slowly but surely becoming a platform for expressing feelings, and that trend did not bypass me either. I was often able to upload various quotes with the wish that he would see them and in some way indirectly understand what was happening to me.
I wish I could now remember what exactly I hung up that night when, a few minutes after the quote hung up, he called me. I didn't want to answer, because I knew he was calling me because of what he saw on Facebook.
ANSWER! The text message in large letters cut me in half. Out of fear, only then did I not know what to do, so as an immature and frightened being, I remained in the position that it was better to avoid than to face reality.
After several attempts to get in touch with me he stopped calling. I knew there was only one solution to end the battle I was fighting with myself, but it took a lot of courage to do so.
Before dawn, I decided to go to him and tell him what he already assumed was happening. Angry because I ignored his calls, he agreed to see me. Neither the snow that blew nor the minus could distract me from the decision to tell him everything, which became harder than ice on the streets overnight.
While there were a lot of conversations in the cafe where we were around us about the plans for the New Year's Eve, the atmosphere at our table was a bit unpleasant, but as the body began to relax slightly from the cold, so the words started to come out. from me.
He listened to me carefully, and immediately after that he started with his usual jokes, wanting to let me know that nothing would change between us. The only mistake was that I was the one who thought that something would change after all, because I looked at the whole situation as it pleased my feelings towards him.
I took unrealistic expectations with me to that meeting, like a bad weapon that drove me away and hurt me. Then the whole world collapsed on me because in those immature years I didn't believe that time heals everything… We remained in a great relationship even after that conversation, but I distanced myself from him, aware that I was distancing myself from a really good friend, and on the other hand aware that I am doing a good thing for myself.
He may not have taken me most seriously when I told him I loved him in a different way than he loved me, but he definitely took my feelings seriously the following year when I didn’t show up at his birthday party. After that we didn't hear or see each other anymore…
I know what I lost, but I also know how I felt!
Awww. How I wish he will make a move to get near you again for real and don't keep distancing.