When this year started, I promised myself that I'd write everyday. I passed the first month. I only missed two days I think, so I was doing well. This is the 8th month and counting what I've written so far, it's a little over 150. That makes it 150 days. Too poor for someone who writes if you ask me. The question now is, what happened on those days I missed? Why didn't I do it?
I avoid putting so much of myself out here because, sometimes, I feel like I'm sounding like a broken gong. You know, like when you wake in the morning and instead of feeling rested, you feel incomplete. But you have to stand up because there're people waiting on you. Even when there's no one, you still have to look after yourself. And when you talk about the same thing over and over, it becomes bleak and uninteresting to the listener. They may not tell you to shut the fuck up but they'll sure have the thought and you can't hold it against them because you'll do same when in their shoes. Do you know how difficult that can be? Ok, don't answer that.
There's a connection somewhere
To things that can't be seen or touched
It's sitting there, waiting patiently
But you can't reach it
Sometimes you wonder
If you aren't trying hard enough
If you are doing it all wrong
I want to start reading again. The last book I read was one of Nicole Jordan's erotica. That was last year. I can't even remember the name. That should tell you how detached I was and still am. I was going to read Before the Coffee Gets Cold by Toshikazu Kawaguchi but I stopped at 7%. I have books lined up. I just can't seem to find my appetite. I'm hiding behind writing, I know. I need to do better but I'm mostly exhausted. You know when believers say 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.' It's that bad.
There was a time I used to get this blank flashes, like a spell. It would last for a few minutes before disappearing again. Those short periods, I would feel absolutely nothing, like I wasn't present in this world anymore. This isn't like when you try to shut everything out or when you tell your thoughts and your brain to quiet down because you want some peace. It's absolutely different. If anything physical happens to you at that moment, you won't feel it. But there must be some awareness. Otherwise, I wouldn't remember. Not sure that explains anything
They say you can pray to a god
With head bowed
And eyes closed in concentration
But you have questions
So you keep your head straight
You look the god in the eye
While you await your answers
You're torn between touching
His feet for blessings
Kneeling with prayer beads between your fingers
And make offerings with oil lamps
Either way, you want answers
I don't know how long I have before things can be right, if not completely, then to some extent. They say we shouldn't worry about what the rest of the world thinks. We must do what we have to in order to heal. That includes talking about it. Perhaps by doing that, we find small peace and joy. They say we should be gentle with ourselves and grieve in our own pace. Maybe they are right. But that doesn't matter. In the end, we are all we've got.
I hope your day is beautiful.