I did not want to leave like this. But this time I could not. I could not survive in the end by fighting with the mind. I have already decided, I will commit suicide. I have always been overwhelmed by emotions. I have thought many times before that I would commit suicide and die. It has not been done for various reasons. But this time my mental strength is strong enough. Promised, nothing can stop me.
The first time I thought of committing suicide, I was in class eight. The results of who will be able to take the scholarship examination from the school have come out. All my friends got a fair chance. But I did not get the chance to take the test. I was very ashamed. I don't care if he gets a chance to take the test or not. But I knew my father would be very upset. I was afraid that I would be angry even if I was upset. Even so. I didn't understand how upset Abu was. However, I understood that anger has done a lot. There was a lot of quarreling. He said he would stop studying. Said a lot more, can't remember right now. I thought all night that day, how to die! Surprisingly, an easy way to think and die did not come to mind! It is much easier to die than to live, for the first time in my life that fixed idea was questioned.
I thought I would tie a rope around my neck and hang it. But where to get the rope, what to hang it with, if the binding is not tight, if it hangs loose! Who will see my body first, father or mother! Sati, the only younger sister, will feel when she sees the body hanging on my rope! Will they suffer a lot? My friends will suffer! Will they never play cricket again in my death, or maybe on the same day they will get a little upset and come down to the field again with the bat and shouting! Everyone will forget me one day! Everything will be as it was, I will not be the only one in the middle! Who will go to it! Well, after my death, will my pocket be out ... etc. All sorts of contradictory thoughts kept coming. Once I heard the call of Fajr. The decision has not been made yet. As soon as the morning light came on, I thought, I will try again at night. One or the other simple method will be found.
In the morning, as usual, my mother called me from bed. Breakfast with semolina and fried eggs. I punched Sati twice that day without any reason. I heard the same murmur of my mother every day about going to take a bath in the afternoon.
In the afternoon we went to the small playground in our neighborhood. Rinku Beach Sea has all come. I played cricket. Usually I bat quite well. I was bold with the first ball in the opening that day. I was very sorry for not being able to run. I thought I would have to bat well tomorrow no matter what. I realized that if I can't run something before I die, I won't get peace even if I die. Then whenever I thought of dying, something or other kept coming up. Seba did not die for me.
I wanted to die again before the HSC test. I read so much, but I can't remember any reading. I memorized some numbers. One morning my father let me do a math from there. I could not remember anything. My father became very angry. Dad said, I thought the same thing, I will fail. Better a poor horse than no horse at all.
Thinking of hanging on the rope, I could not die before. So he dropped the thought. We have to find another way A simple method came to mind. Then I just bought new saving kits. The blade is brand new. I decided to cut the ribs of both hands with the blade. I sat down to eat rice at noon and got into a quarrel with my mother again over the chicken run. There is only one thing about mother,- Dad, how many runs does a chicken have.
The mood became very bad. I need to know how many runs a chicken runs! I want a chicken run on my plate every now and then. It is a pity that a little chicken run does not join my forehead! My survival is really worthless. I understood my decision to commit suicide.
When everyone went to bed at night, I brought the blade from the bathroom. At that moment, the poster of the movie 'Qayamat To Qayamat' came out in front of my eyes. Even though it was released in Dhaka, the movie has not come to our Mooseball town yet. I was very sorry, I will die without watching the movie! By no means. Moreover, I cut my hand with a blade, then! When slaughtering a sacrificial cow, blood gushes out of my hands, just as blood gushes out of a finki! As much as there is in the body, all the blood will come out! They will be frozen on the floor of the house thakathake! If Sati enters the house earlier in the morning, will she slip on the blood and fall on the floor! My whole body will be covered in my blood! He will scream when he sees the horrible scene of his brother's hands being cut off! Crying a lot? Or Sati will be happy, the brother who kills him every day, he is the finish! Will her class eight scholarship exam be bad for me? Will my blood flow in his book while sitting for the test? Seba didn't die thinking about Sati.
To be continued.