A battle within...

Article : 01
Date: March 10, 2022

A purpose-driven life, a happy family, successful career, fame, fortune-- who in the world do not dream and wish for them? Right from the moment we learned to utter simple words, our parents already taught us how to say our names. Little by little, we're taught how to introduce ourselves starting from our names, age and finally what we want to be someday. Is it really what we want in the future or what our parents wanted us to become! As for me, it's none of the two. I am who I am today because that is what's in stored for me.

As a child, I was very imaginative. My imaginations reached as far as the sun,and down to very depths of the earth! I loved to play with other children but my mother won't let me, so I'm often left alone, playing by myself which I guess awakened my imagination. My older siblings always make fun of me when they hear me talking to myself. But what choice do I have, I have no one to play with. I would talk to my dolls, made dresses for them and all stuffs. That was the scenario left in memory during my childhood. I can't say my childhood was stolen from me, but it really took a big part on why I was not able to develop my social skills.

Growing up, I always have insecurities and trust issues. I love to hang out with my peers and other people, but at the end of the day, the fear within me keeps coming back. My greatest fear then was Rejection! I loved to have friends but in my heart, I cannot just trust anybody. At times, I do chitchats but most of the time, I opted to stay in one corner, read a book, do crafts or whatever stuffs that will keep myself  busy. That explains why I am often called a wierdo back then.

"High school life, oh my high school life, ay walang kasing Saya!", a line from a song which everybody else would agree except for me. Well in terms of academic performance, not to brag but I always got good grades. One reason again to push some few friends away. As I was saying, I lack social skills but I met some friends during this time of my life. For the first time, I felt that I belong. Not trying so hard to fit in. We had many wonderful moments together. We even talked about living together when we reach college. That time, what I felt was something really genuine, and it always gives me a  Duchenne smile. But slowly as the years go on, I lost that friendship I never thought I would. It just happened. One stops trying, less talking and more awkward conversations. We were slowly drifting away from each other. They said the most painful goodbyes are the ones never said and never explained. I kept asking myself what went wrong. Maybe there is really something wrong with me! Why would no one wants to be with me, like for real? There I go again, back to being a WIERDO until I finished high school.

Having this kind of personality does not, somehow, affects my perspective towards my ambitions and aspirations in life. I dreamed more, strived harder and persevered. I met more hardships during my college life but I've learned to handle my emotions, started to open my door to some people, slowly getting out of my shell. I needed to heal. I just needed to trust myself to trust other people. Now, I can say I'm taking the right path. I'm not there yet but the way is much clearer. With the guidance of the Almighty One up above, and with the love and support of the people who accepted me unconditionally, I know for sure, I'll win this battle...