"Are they there because I'm holding on to them or because they want to stay?"
I can't find the words to say something when my own thoughts questioned myself. I feel like it's the scariest thing in the world. Actually that's not the only question my mind is always playing like every night.
Does love exists only because you do effort?
Does love exists under conditions when you take a halt, you're totally forgotten.
I was in a relationship before. A kind of relationship that I always doubt if it's worth to keep. It was November. I met him at my friend's birthday. He was wearing a white shirt and black shorts. Just a casual wear but the way he carries the coordinates totally left an impact. His eyes are also talking, and captivating that I couldn't resist to take a glimpse of them. And then he caught me which means he was staring too. I hurriedly change my gaze at the food and eat the whole, sliced pineapple. He seldom talked. He just looked at everyone and then do something on his phone. I was thinking if how old was he because he looked younger than me. I was also wondering if he's even enjoying the party. His friends were friendly and we easily got along well except him. But anyway, to know him was not my purpose why I'm in there so I forgot him for a while.
Meanwhile, I didn't notice he was sitting beside me. I just realized when I was about to sip a wine when he grabbed the glass too which made our eyes met and his hand touching mine and mine were touching the glass.
"Oh sorry, you can have it" he said.
"Thanks!" I mumbled.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Maria. Yours is? I replied.
"John" said he.
"Nice meeting you, John" I uttered.
Then he gave his phone to me which left me puzzled like I'm lost what am I going to do with it. Not until...
"Can you give me your number?" Yes, it's him speaking. It's John. I don't know why my hands and fingers totally cooperate and typed my number. It just happened in a snap. That was the start of our friendship. Party's over but we aren't. He kept on texting and later on we exchange our social medias and always video chat when we both have time. Honestly, we got along well easily because he knows all my soft spots. He knows that I care for animals which made him to sent me pictures of adorable cats and dogs everyday. He even went to our boarding house surprisingly right after my office hours at 10 PM. I couldn't say no because he was already there. That would be so mean. So he was there and I was there too spending my supposed to rest time talking and having late night road trips with him at full speed. I was even scared of fast cars or at high speed motorcycle run but with him, I extended my trust to the fullest.
His actions were also consistent in trying to win me. He is persistent even in sending me good morning messages and late night messages. I never doubted his feelings because what his mouth speaks, his actions do it too. When he said he'll sleep, I believe he would sleep because I didn't see him online anymore (tho I didn't have any idea what he's doing and where he is after we talk). I like chocolate cakes but I didn't found it sweet anymore. His words are my favorite sweets I wouldn't trade for any expensive chocolate in the world.
Days and nights went like a blink of an eye that I didn't even noticed I was the one who missed him big time now. Geez! I did not expect myself to fall so quick but I rather fall than to live with "what ifs". After work, I want to see him wait for me outside just like usual then we will savor the moment staying up until 3 AM not considering I need to go to work at 9 AM. That night, we also went to a place where we can see the calm, azure ocean filled with lights from boats sailing. The overlooking view is mesmerizing and his stares were also melting me down to the ocean. He then broke the silence.
"Can you be my girlfriend?" - John
"Oh! I didn't know you were courting me." I didn't know what to say
"Is that how you try to pursue a girl?" I said. Lol. I was not used to this as well because mostly, I entertain some through online only. My hands are cold but my face is so red and warm but I still kept myself composed.
"Why would we make it longer when we both know we like each other? Time spent waiting would be a waste." He firmly said.
I don't want to say yes too early but I also didn't want to let him go and see him around with someone. What if we'll work? What if he's genuine? And what if it would turn out the other way? Well, I am not the kind of girl who will just die after broke up (that's a lie). So I said,
It's been a month that we are on. We're still happy and the feelings are overflowing. The butterflies are still everytime I see him. He also consistently waited for me outside our boarding house and wait for me there until 10 PM. He even introduced me to his whole family and am glad they welcomed me warmly. I was ecstatic, crazy believing it wouldn't fold through time. Until one night, we went to a friend's party. We actually had photos during that time but they were captured on his phone so I didn't got any of it to show here.
Everyone's enjoying really hard. I just drank a little because I have an early work for tomorrow. John was there beside me catching every drink friends would give. I know something was wrong why he was like that. And the he was drunk -- his head was at my shoulder and he dropped his phone. I grabbed it and suddenly it blinked and I think that's a notification (hidden notification). I just hold it and kept on waking him up so we can go home but the phone blinked again. It wasn't my attitude to invade someone's privacy but girls' instinct got me. I knew there's something. Without a second thought, I grabbed his finger and placed it on fingerprint censor to unlock his phone and voila! I unlocked it. I immediately looked for that notification and that was in messages and then and there, he was still reaching out for his ex-girlfriend.
I couldn't take to read the whole conversation because I felt like I am falling into pieces in every word I read. I just saw recent ones and I stopped. I stopped because all thi time, her ex knew about us but then she was too confident John still loves her because of these lines from him: "I am happy with her but all I am thinking was you."
Oh man! Where was I all throughout the time we were together? If he doesn't love me why would he act so in love?
He kept me so he could deal the isolation without his ex. He kept so he would not feel lonely waiting for her to come back. Knowing that angers me most and left myself with resentment over them. I left him there. Blocked him in all possible media and contacts where he can reach me out. He fooled me once and he can never fool me twice.
I stayed away from him without leaving a word. I was broke so I stayed away.
I stayed away to see if it was all because of me.
And I discover that it was all because of me that's why he stayed... without love. He stayed not because he wanted to, he stayed because I'm holding on to him.
I love him.
Now I loved him.