Toughen Up!!!!

Last night I heard some banging on the front gate. Because there`s been some robberies here, we now close everything at nigh. It was a woman in her early 30. She told me that A... sent her, saying I would help

For a moment a catapult of memories rushed in, some pretty painful, like giant boulders chattering me... again...

I wasn't awful (I hope) but I wasn't kind either. I just turned my back and said: Sorry, I cant help you. And I closed my gate again

The thing is... maybe I could have helped 😢 I have so much in my garden, in my fridge...I didn't even asked her what she needed

All because A... sent her...

And A... was my friend for years.

I met A... with a toddler breastfeeding on her lap. She was a very large woman, after 4 pregnancies she had gained a lot of weight and was at least 150 kg. But she was smiling wide and she made me laugh. You know, when you met someone and feel instant connection. And she has 4 children - 1 boy and 3 girls still very young -, I have 4 sons.

She was way too young to be that "big", only in her early 30, 16 y younger than me. But her husband was much older than her, a 65 y old man, kind but too beat and tired.

We met because a reunion we had between several solidarity groups that "work" with the church helping ppl struggling to keep a life with a minimum dignity. Drugs and alcohol are major home breakers here - around the globe, I guess.

It was easy for was to connect, she was easygoing, always laughing, so positive, so helpful. We kept in touch and she even started her weight lost path, with the help of many supportive common friends.

Some months later her husband had a heart attack. She was too dependent on him, didn't drive, had no job, she needed help for everything. Their money ran out in just a few weeks and needed help, badly.

It was so easy to get help for A...Everyone knew her and her kids, everyone liked them. So for several months, while her husband was recovering, several solidarity groups came together with donations to pay for rent, food, utilities, ect.

I took my van to her house several times, each time looking like Christmas, because she and her children loved the cloths - many ppl even bought new ones- new beds because the 2 youngest girls were still sleeping in the parents bed, they had more than usually had before.

A chance came for her to have a job and A... took it. it wasn't a dream job, but she had dropped out of school too young, never worked before, so this factory job 15 minutes walk from her house was a blessing.

For 5 months she was stable there, not needing anyone's help, managing financial balance on her own, and it was great because she was 30 years younger than her husband, it was time to have some independence.

Than one day I get a call from her saying her husband was tired of being home alone and wanted her to quit the job. I told her not to do that because chances are our friends with the solidarity group wouldn't help in those circumstances. Yet she did quite the job and asked for help again.

As expected, after many many months helping this family, most people decided it was enough, there were many other families asking for help and were left behind because "our money" - we live of donations only - was channel to A... family and even when it wasn't enough many of us would pay from our own pockets, me included.

When I told this she was really mad. I really dont understand what they were expecting. I mean, she knew all our efforts, she knew I had paid many things myself. But it was a helping hand on a bad situation, not a life time.

She just blocked me!!! Seriously!!! That same day I tried to talk with her about a different way to help with some of her utilities, until she had another job, but she blocked me on FB, Whatsap and her phone. Even her daughters blocked me. I mean...WTF???!!!!

I helped for over 1 year, driving her, paying for shit, making sure the kids were well fed and happy, and she does this to me!!!

Well, this is one in a thousand stories, "working" in solidarity can give us many happy moments, but many many bitter feelings too

After over 4 years since she did this and moved to another place without a word, yesterday she sent a woman to knock on my door.

And I couldn't sleep all night because I could have helped and I didn't. I just sent her away, dont even know her name, where shes from, what she needed. Yesterday that woman payed for someone else s mistakes. And I am here ranting about it because I thought it would help

But it isnt. Im only opening old wounds that I thought were completely healed😭😭

Than I got a "not so nice" comment on Noise and I broke down!!! It was the drop that shattered me, because I was already over sensible

So YES TOUGHEN UP MARISA!!!!

Time to go to the woods again, peopling is too hard for me today