Willingness to Survive

Have you been on the point of your life when you felt that it is time to give up? That you are almost tired of everything around you? All of those hatreds, judgements, criticisms, etc. All of those negativity that are happening with your fucking life?

People call you failure and a part of their disappointments. But what hurts the most is that most of them are coming from your blood line, meaning? Our families.

This is based on my life story, experiences and how my family, cousins, relatives and some friends that I know treat me as ME. I am going to share to all of you on how I survived with all of these things caught up on me. How , who and what inspired me to survive in my everyday life.

Way back when I was ajust a kid I got teased, bullied, forgotten and felt unwanted. Most of the time wherever I go people discriminate me for being me as a lesbian in a society where people are acting normal as if they do not have any faults and mistakes in this world.

My relatives hated me so much at it led me hating them much more. The way they treated me was unlikely and was never been fair. Rudeness and was never appropriate. Everytime I tried defending myself and standing for myself, they look at me as if I am always a black sheep for them they never let me speak up and always been misunderstood. This cycle went on from the time and moment me and my family moved to my father's parents community.

The aide of my mother was very loving and they accepted me as Me. However, being with my father's side territory it was really a different thing going on. They hated me so much and all they love was my sister, who looks like a good character for them. Maybe because my sister is well educated with a degree holder and I did not graduated from a university or college.

I remembered one time when we had a get together with my fathers part of the family, I was just there in one corner like a tree or more like a ghost to them without them talking to me and all they would listen to was from my sister and they are all talking to each other forgetting about my presence. One of my cousin had lit a cigarette on and they would just ignore it. So, I lit my own cigarette and to my shock they all looked at me with dismay and felt like being disappointed on what I was doing. I just looked at them with aw and didn't bother on what their eyes are telling me. I know for sure what they're up to.

When one of my cousin graduated as an engineer they are all happy and celebrating same with my other cousin who in that part graduated again with a degree all of them are very happy. Well, I am happy too for all of them. Until one of my aunt asked me "What is you job right now?" I was happy that someone noticed me and I answered, "Aunty, I am a call center agent." They laughed at me and my aunt said, "So, is that what you wanted for the rest of your life? That is not even a job my dear." I was just like sinking in my chair that time. My heart is bursting with pain but I cannot cry and I just smiled at them and walk away.

All of my life I had been discriminated and being left out even with my own sister. She left me hanging handling problems on my own without her thinking if I am still alive or okay.

When my mother died, I was left with nothing and no one to help me. I was already stuck in a reality that I think not all can survive. What I did to battle all of this hardships in life? Prayers. I prayed a lot. I went to the metro to find a decent job and when I did I never let go of becoming a call center agent. I tried my best to cope up with all of the pains I had felt in the past also the hardest part was living alone without anyone to held on to. I battled with stress, depressesion and anxiety. I was able to cope up and redeem myself with this things bothering me during the time I was down, hurt and wounded.

Prayers are the key that led me to become a warrior battling my everyday life. There is also this one person who had helped me through out the process of me healing myself, and that is the person who loves me and accepts me as ME. I also made myself busy for quite some time for me to not think of all these shity things happened in my life.

This goes out through all of my fellow people who are experiencing the same as I am experiencing, don't give up, life is a constant change. Everything always happens for a reason. Bad or good it will take you to places that will be part of your life's adventure.