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Me at my Worst

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Written by   54
3 months ago

24 June 2022, Friday

For some reason I want to shut a day and just close my eyes and sleep.

A day I do not want to recognize anything. I mean, my life is not an open book. Even colleagues never really get to know the ordeals I am facing at times and I do not want them to pity on me neither. It was more than 3 years ago that I am at my lowest point in life. I overthink, loss weight and almost got depressed.

At my lowest point, I wanted to be alone, but how? I am a mother and a full time employee, how will I get through the day? I wanted to cry at night. I always felt a heavy heart and overthink always. It was a few months of struggles. I go to work thinking it might be my few last days. Before I fall asleep at night, I want to think all the reasons to live. I have so many what ifs.

  • What if I cross the street and be hit by a car?

  • What if I die, what will be childrens future?

  • Will the insurance pay be enough for my childrens future?

  • What if I will not die, I will be a burden then for my family?

  • What if I will go abroad, will I survive?

Those are just thoughts running my head that time. Though I never really try and intend to make those thoughts happen. Because somewhere in my inner self says "NO". My head hurts thinking how will my children be like if I'm gone. My heart bleeds and I cannot die the soonest. Though fighting it all time is so hard and I am glad I made it.

During we ran out of cash on hand, we have some list of options how to survive.

  • First is to borrow money from a friend or family.

  • Second, initiate some loan, from company and other agency.

  • Pawned some jewelry

  • Pawned some appliance

It was some years we survive because of those mechanic in life. Even it is not the proper way because it might end as worsen the situation, we still hang on just to survive.

Though what if those options rans out? What will we do in our worst time? Quite another headache again. But don't you know that at these times have helped us. It was not really on purpose and accidentally being in that platform saves our day. It was a blessing in disguise that lessen us being humiliated for having empty handed.

My journey was a great help at the crossroads in my life.

But what makes it my worst? Often times before we really pull ourselves just to survive a day. Yet I just want to stress out the heavy loads I've got every time I am in this situation.

I live each day just like the normal way and nobody knows around me that it is my worst. And getting better at worst is the best challenges of my life.

So do not pity on me. I have been through a lot but I just want to have a decent life. I work, I sell and live to earn a living for us to survive. I am just one of the many around the world, mine isn't the worst of all.

Thank you for reading.

📷Image from Unsplash and mine.

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Written by   54
3 months ago
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I don't pity you. Our feeling is valid. And as a mother, I know how it feels when everything seems too much. I am sometimes at my lowest/worst. I cried, rested, and let it out. I have to. We are strong. We need help. We are loved. Just want to remind you, how awesome you are! Keep being one.

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3 months ago

Thank you so much sis. That is why I enjoyed being at and because I can freely tell all without being worried. At times it can help ease the pain and lessen the heavy loads. God bless you always and your awesome family too.

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3 months ago